Misery

Oh, another film theme? No, I'm about to put folk out of theirs by revealing my answers to the true or false statements.

Here goes, ahem...

1. I refused to meet one Health Secretary and was abusive to another. True. While working in my lab, I received a phonecall from another part of the hospital to say that a research poster of mine had won an award and I was to be presented with a certificate by then Secretary of State of Health (top health minister in UK), Frank Dobson. I refused to go, but was told in no uncertain terms that I had to and was essentially dragged along to receive the award. It was horrible. A couple of years ago, I encounted Dr John Reid (another recent Health Secretary). He and his entourage wanted to use the room in which I was holding a training session and I told him that the room wouldn't be free until the time which had been agreed beforehand. I was accused of being abusive.
2. I have engaged in sexual activities in the workplace. True again, but I'm not elaborating.
3. When I was a student, I had a regular summer job in an abattoir. False. (You don't know what an abattoir is April? It's where they kill animals for meat). When I was a student, I had a summer job as a chemist in the QA labs at a factory that makes huge batteries and things. It was good fun. You wouldn't get me anywhere near an abattoir.
4. I was once run over by a horse. True. I was backstop at rounders and had to retrieve the ball from a nearby horses' field. While in there, I was knocked over when a horse got a bit excited. Another horse jumped over me and clipped my knee with its hoof. It really hurt.
5. I have broken into a house to retrieve my cat. True. Max is a complete dick and keeps getting himself locked in houses when the council have workmen in doing rennovations on unoccupied properties. I had to break into the same house on two separate occasion to get the little shit back. The workmen always left the doors open for him to escape, but he hid under floorboards and things because he was scared of them. So he always ended up getting locked up again when they went home at the end of the day. As it was weekend (on both occasions), I didn't want him stuck in there for over two days so I went in to get him - once through an open window and the second time by using the key that they thought they'd hidden under a stone.
6. I have lied under oath to protect a friend. False. No, I've never been called on to do this. But I have told the truth to protect a friend and that was possibly more difficult.
7. I used to play bass guitar in the school band. False. Although I was in a guitar group with a load of my teachers, we all played accoustic (badly).
8. I don't always brush my teeth before going to bed. Guilty as charged. I always intend to brush my teeth, but if I take a can of pop to bed to finish off, I won't brush them until I've finished it and sometimes fall asleep before I do either. Tut, tut, tut.
9. Driving at 30mph pisses me off and I only slow down if I know there's a speed camera. FALSE. I'm actually a stickler for the rules of the road and I always try really hard to drive at the speed limit in urban areas (although I get really annoyed with drivers who drive under the speed limit). Motorways and dual carriageways don't count though.
10. I am an alcoholic. True, believe it or not. I have always had a very rocky relationship with booze and used to drink a fair bit every evening. I gave up 6 years ago and am now teetotal.
11. I once offered to be a surrogate mother for my sister. Hell no!
12. I have never eaten cottage cheese. Truth! Why would anybody eat this shit? It looks like puke, for fuck's sake.
13. I have met the Pope. False. Although I have stood at the foot of tomb of PJP2 - and all the other dead Popes for that matter.
14. Drunk at a Christmas party, I called my boss Jacob Marley and told him to fuck off. True. My boss had actually left us, but returned to have regular updates, one of which was on the day of our Christmas do. Unfortunately, he'd really pissed me off at the meeting and, tongue loosened by a couple of litres of house red, I told him what I thought of him (or so I've been told). Despite the fact that he'd left, he kept coming back for one leaving do after another and this is where the Jacob Marley thing comes from. I said, "You're just like Jacob Marley you..." And when asked why, I said, "...because you keep coming back!". Not an episode that I'm particularly proud of and I couldn't apologise enough. In spite of everything, I had and still have a lot of respect for the man and it was a rather childish, if highly amusing, thing to do.
15. While at university, I considered taking holy orders and joining a convent. Get outta here!
16. When I was a student, I stole garden furniture from the halls of residence that neighboured our flats. Absolutely true (and there are photos somewhere too). Not only did I get a garden umbrella and chair, I also got a police "no waiting" cone in which to prop the garden umbrella. During my time at University, I also acquired: a beer keg; a shower curtain from the Union; an 8 ball.
17. I was evacuated from Marks and Spencer in Manchester city centre the day when the IRA blew it up in 1996. False. I was supposed to be going into Manchester that morning, but I got up late and I was in the bath at the time when I heard the bang (6 miles out).
18. I have been engaged to be married. Have I bollocks!
19. I was arrested during the Poll Tax AND student loans demonstrations. Nope, I took part in none of these demos. I'm not the demonstrating kind and I didn't really have an argument against either the Poll Tax or student loans.
20. I graduated top of my class. True indeed. I have a first class honours degree in biochemistry and I won the prize for being the top swot. This pissed off all the girls who'd spent 3 years in the library while I'd been making time to enjoy myself as well as study.

So there you have it.