Forests of blood

Britain is under threat from immigrants that are taking over huge areas of the entire country. The indigenous population is being forced into ever smaller habitats, where they cower and hide from the impending threat.

Run, run for you life, little one!

Integration is not on their agenda; oh no, it's a complete takeover or nothing for that menace that is:

Yes, the grey squirrel, or scoiattolo grigio, or even “that fucking bastard is on the fence again!” as we say in our house, came to the UK from Canada. Having a maximum lifespan of 10 years, the grey squirrel will, on average live for 3-4 years. That’s 3-4 years of annoying the fuck out of little Otto.

Whereas Max has had a constant battle of wills with the local magpie population, to the extent where one once pood in his eye, Otto has been trying to capture one of these things for the past four years.

If only he could understand me when I tell him: “No chance”. Although we did once find the tail of such a beast, its body was nowhere to be seen.

Curiouser and curiouser.

I’m actually wondering whether Otto lost his eye in a scrap with a squirrel, it wouldn’t surprise me.

He’s now after them for revenge in a fashion similar to Elle Driver after she lost hers to Pai Mai.

There are better photos of Elle Driver, but this one had Uma in it too.

As I type this, I am becoming increasingly arsed off with my internet connection, which is very patchy today. Thank you ntl, you cocks. Why don’t they warn you when they’re doing maintenance work? Nobheads.

Bollocks, at the 5th attempt to upload a photo (cannot find server), it’s the wrong one afterall. Tit.

Of course, another popular import to Britain is the sycamore tree. These ugly fuckers have spread like wildfire since their introduction. You can generally tell a proper British tree because they have good “ug” names, such as oak, ash, elm, beech, alder, holly, lime, hazel and birch. Fancy imports have longer names, such as “fucking shitting bastard sycamore cunt”.

There are four huge sycamores in neighbours’ gardens. They overhang my back garden where they:

• Block out the light


• Drop sap all over my car and the path


• House birds that crap on my car


• Drop leaves and seeds on my car


• Try to get in to the bathroom through the window


• Trap dirt and dust that gets blown into the house


• Attract insects and flies that invade the house for 6 months of the year

This is me in my back garden. You see I’m wearing sunglasses? That’s because outside my garden it was nice and sunny, but inside, all the light had been blocked out by the fucking bastard sycamores.

I washed my car yesterday. Today it is covered in tree sap, stuck to which is dust and a load of aphids and other assorted creepy crawlies. The air vents are filled with leaves and the “helicopter” seeds. There are 4 or 5 dollops of bird poo.

I hate these trees, they serve no purpose. I want them all dead.