Not my cup of tea

I don't like tea, I never have.

This statement could lead to a person being cast out of some families, particularly those with Liverpudlian parentage.

Mother (awwwww, bless her) insists that I used to drink tea up to the age of about 10 - used to LOVE it, apparently. And this is where we run into a problem: Mum's recollection of my life isn't exactly the same as mine. She essentially makes things up about me to suit whatever story she's telling to friends or family members.

"You did have a pin in that toe when they did that operation to straighten it"

"You always used to love wearing dresses and playing with dolls"

"You couldn't get enough tea when you were a girl"

Y'WHAT? Bugger off, Mother. It's my toe and I know damned well there was no pin went in there - why do you think the op was unsuccessful? Hmmm?? HMMMMMM????

Dresses and dolls? Foxtrot romeo oscar, dear heart. It'd take a pretty severe bang on the head to grow up from being that type of little girl to becoming, well... as you can see... Dolls indeed! Action Man and Lego for me. Although I could never climb trees.

Tea my arse, Mum. As a toddler, I remember being force fed it with a tube and funnel device, but Social Services put a stop to that.

Tea? It's horrible stuff, apart from trying some for a dare when I was pissed out of my head (I couldn't do it), not a drop has passed my lips since I was a nipper. Even the smell of it makes me feel poorly.

So yes, Mother likes to make things up about me. She'll be telling folk that I was left on the doorstep by a band of travelling gypsies next!

The cheek on it.

Hot drinks hassles

Making a round of hot drinks for yourself and family members should be fairly straightforward: 3 coffees, 1 tea - easy. So you'd think.

In la casa della famiglia Cakesniffer "sorting the brews", as some uncouth types would put it, is a logistical nightmare.

Mother: Tea (yeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuchhhh!), white with 2 Canderel (artificial sweetener tablets) + half a spoon of "diabetic sugar" (essentially a powdered form of Canderel). All solids must be in the mug prior to addition of boiled water. Milk must be added following removal of teabag.

Tina: Coffee, strong. Two heaped teaspoons instant coffee; 3 heaped teaspoons of Coffeemate (light, not original); heaped teaspoon of Silverspoon "Half Spoon" granulated sugar. Must be in Liverpool FC mug. If this isn't available, use Hamster mug or Tina Lego mug.

Anna: Coffee, white. Use a Kenco coffee bag for this: place bag in her china cup, add boiled water, let stand for 3 minutes (no less!), remove bag, add milk.

Dad: Coffee, white, strong. Two teaspoons coffee, 2 teaspoons sugar (normal sugar) add boiled water, stir, add milk. Tea: strong, white - as for Mother only with 2 tsp normal sugar instead of Chemical Ali combination of poisons.

Of all the preferences, some might say that mine is most particular. But mine tastes wonderful. I think there should be a UN programme to destroy all tea plantations and turn them into something useful. Will coffee grow in that climate?