The Pepsi Max Challenge

It's no secret that I'm almost addicted to Pepsi Max; the high-caffeine, no sugar cola drink. Moreover, I prefer it when Pepsi Max comes in cans, rather than plastic bottles. I detest Coca Cola. I hate being patronised.

I was a bit narked that the Italians didn't really do Pepsi, being monopolised by Coca Cola instead. They're very good at monopolies in Italy, it helps keep prices up. Therefore, you can only buy cigarettes from a tobacconist (tobogonist), certain grocery stores shut on particular days or at certain times of day to allow their competitors chance to open, petrol stations do the same. Everybody wins, especially the Coca Cola company.

Here in the UK, we have a very open market where anybody's business is fair game to the huge supermarkets. Corner shops are disappearing, local high-streets no longer have green grocers, butchers or fish mongers because the small independent retailers can't compete with the big boys.

You'd expect, therefore, that the big boys would be better. You know that they sting the producers and buy things as cheaply as possible because they can, but you don't mind so long as what you buy is of decent quality and is cheap.

However, when they fuck about with the availability of my favourite soft drinks, they're looking for trouble with a capital T.

The following is an e-mail I sent to customer services at that giant of retail, Tesco.


Dear Tesco,

My query is about favouring particular products over others.

I'd just like to know why Tesco clearly promotes Coca Cola over other soft drink brands in its stores. This ranges from product placement and dominating entire aisles with bottles of Coke, to stocking only Coke in its refrigerators. I recently visited the Tesco Extra in Horwich, Bolton; it was a very hot day and I'd have loved a can of icy cold Pepsi Max, but the only cola products available in the chiller were Coke brands. Don't you think you're being a little unfair on your customers who'd like a choice of brand of cold drink from the chiller?

This was the reply I got:


Thank you for your email.

I am sorry you feel that the store are only chilling Coca Cola drinks, however they also have fanta, and other makers drinks in the chilling compartments.

Next time you are in the store please contact the customer service desk to see if they will put some pepsi in the chilling compartment.

If you have any further queries please do not hesitate to contact us at customer.service@tesco.co.uk quoting TES1189387X.

Regards

Jean McKinlay

Tesco Customer Service


I'm sorry, Jean, but that was the INCORRECT answer to my query. Your answer should've been:

Dear Tina,

You're absolutely right. As a result of your query, we're reviewing our product placement policy and will be putting an end to our biased chilling of shit-tasting Coca Cola products in favour of delicious Pepsi Max. Moreover, we shall start to offer chilled bottles of plain fizzy water in addition to that still and flavoured shit. In fact, we will start a programme of introducing vending machines for both Coca Cola and Pepsico products, thereby introducing true choice to our customers and to show that we're fair and that we're not in the pocket of the Atlanta megalomaniacs.

You have made us see the light and we recognise that we're a bunch of fuckhead bully boys who think we can get away with anything.

Please accept 2 million Clubcard Points and a place on the Board.

Yours with head bowed in shame,

Jean

Tesco Customer Services

What's the point of asking somebody to put a can of pop in the fridge for you while you do your shopping when a) it won't be cold in time and b) some other person, desperate for refreshment will buy it from under your nose? Stupid fucking suggestion. Go back to remedial customer care training and don't come back until you know how to REALLY care for your customers, or at least offer them a proper service.

I wonder if Jean ever Googles herself? Hello Jean.


An edit: Unnamed and shamed
I love it when anonymous commenters have a go at me. I got this as a comment on my post about pelican crossings and people being fuckwits on the road...

At 02 October, 2005 14:53, Anonymous said...
The green man on the nearside is to anable poor sighted people to see it and hopefully cross in safety. No chance of that with drivers like you!


At 02 October, 2005 15:12, Tina said...
Fuck off, wanker. How dare you pass judgement on my driving ability or consideration for other road users, you complete fucking tosser. The old pelican crossings used to beep so that visually impaired people knew when it was safe to cross.

Now fuck off and don't come back.

Oh, and it's "enable", not anable, you thick twat.

I wonder if that was Toilet trader again??