Careful analysis of the public vote held on 15th October 2005, gave some interesting results. Despite some surprising opposition, Uma Thurman returned a landslide victory and was voted in as Shag of the Week by 90% of the electorate.
Let's see how Uma reacted to this outcome...
"Naturally I'm delighted that so many of you think so highly of me", she said demurely.
While relaxing over a celebratory cigarette donated by Mr Coldearth, she continued: "Of course, it was a total shock to find myself in this position after so many years in the shag wilderness. However it's amazing how much a good dye job can do for a girl. My campaign manager, Mr Tarantino, has been amazing.
"I'm totally taken aback. I had no idea people thought so highly of me, I mean, I'm just a plain old girl from Boston. You'd have thought my 6'1" frame and slender, toned body, blonde hair, piercing blue eyes and full lips would have gone against me, so I'm surprised and delighted to see that people can look beyond outer appearances and see the real person inside. I'm touched."
As voters filed away, contemplating Uma being touched, the muffled screams of Bronwen were briefly heard as she was taken away to be re-educated.
Voters had been polled on a number of pressing issues. Here's how Returning Officer Cakesniffer gave the results breakdown:
1. Spiders
A resounding NO FUCKING WAY. I hate spiders, they are evil. This chap is a garden spider that lies in wait for me near my back door. I'm sure he's going to jump on me one day (once he's recovered from the flash gun of my camera). Garden spiders are the least evil of all arachnids. We are currently suffering a plague of monster house spiders. These bastards are VERY fast and very big. They even jump. They serve no purpose apart from making humans very scared of entering darkened rooms.
2. Orange wee
Yeah, it's OK. It's much better than your average bland yellowish stuff. Let's face it, you go the loo, have a yellow wee and think nothing of it. On the other hand, if you have an orange wee, you take notice; it actually makes you think about whether you're having enough water, whether your kidneys are working OK, whether your diet is deficient in something, or whether you're eating something you shouldn't be.
Orange wee gets the thumbs up.
3. Black cherry yoghurt
You must be fucking joking. Why do they do multipacks of yoghurt that include this crap?
4. Spring greens
Yepadoodledoo. Love 'em! My favourite of the green cabbagey things, I like them drizzled with olive oil and accompanied with plenty of white pepper.
5. Aunt Flo
As a child, I actually had an "Auntie Flo" - she wasn't a real auntie, but you called all older people auntie or uncle back then. Today I found out that Aunt Flo is a euphemism for "menstruation". While periods can be rather inconvenient and uncomfortable, I give them a YES. You see, if you happen to fiddle with yourself while you're on your period, you can actually have a truly amazing orgasm. Or so I've heard. Give it a go and report back to me.
6. Poisoning your date
No, I can't condone this sort of behaviour, no matter how much you want to avoid getting into a "situation" with somebody who you feel no attraction towards. Take note Whinger!
7. Christmas decorations in October
Fuck right off
8. Rollerskating
No, no way, never. Rollerskating (and icy equivalents) was invented as a(nother) form of public humilation for unpopular tubby kids. Fucking hate it.
9. Slot machines
They have some really good ones that you get special prizes from in the ladies' lavs.
10. Uma Thurman
Sigh....
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