Ahem!

Bloody blog's disappeared again.

On the eve of All Hallows

That'll be Hallowe'en or "Trick or Treat Night" if you're stupid.

I'm quite looking forward to having the kids coming round to disturb my tea with their pathetic renditions of "We're witches, of Hallowe'en, oooowwooooh. The scariest you've ever seen...". I've a mind to have two prize bags: one filled with delish sweets and chocs and the other into which I've emptied a couple of cans of cat food for them to dip their mucky little paws into.

Failing that, I might turn off all the lights in the house and stand right in front of the window, staring out into the black night. Or I may dress as a monk and hide next to the front porch and chase them up the garden path, making ghoulish noises. Or perhaps even goulash noises.

On the radio this morning, they were going on about "How will you all be celebrating Hallowe'en?" - do you celebrate Hallowe'en? Personally, I "celebrate" it by spending the evening opening the door to begging dwarves who steal all the chocolate that I bought. All the time trying to look amused and scared by their outfits. I'd be scared if one of them was dressed as my French teacher from secondary school - she was mighty frightening!

Bloody hell, Kate Bush has done a cover version of Sexual Healing on the B side of King of the Mountain. How bizarre.

So yes, Lancashire is quite famous for its witches, funnily enough. They burned a load in Pendle and Clitheroe.

It'd be quite good if there really were supernatural beings that emerged every Hallowe'en; I'd quite like to meet a ghost and have a conversation about way back.

Actually, I wouldn't. I'm fucking TERRIFIED of the thought of seeing a ghost. No idea why, but I am. It goes against all my beliefs, and my logic tells me that there's no such thing as them. I suppose that's why I'm really scared of seeing one. (Cue April).


A matter of life and death
Just had a distribution list "Awwww"/"Read this, it's really hilarious" e-mail. This one is entitled Animals are really people in disguise, sent with HIGH PRIORITY, READ ME IMMEDIATELY BECAUSE I'M REALLY IMPORTANT! status. Animals, people in disguise eh? I think that's pretty insulting to animals.

I get a lot of e-mails at work and it's my preferred method of communication because it means you a) don't have to speak to people and b) have documentary evidence of information that you've given to folk. Some people INSIST on sending all their e-mails with those little red high priority exclamation marks on them. Fuck right off. Nothing's that important and if it was, you'd be either phoning me up, or knocking on my door and hand delivering it. Nobheads.

The equivalent of this in the office is putting papers on people's chairs so that the would-be occupant can't take their seat before picking up the oh so very important bits of paper that have been put there. I've informed my colleagues that stuff gets put on my chair goes in the bin

I am truly a joy to work with.


Run like the wind!
Does anybody know what a runtime error is, why I've started getting them and how to make them FUCKING STOP???

It's too orangey for crows, it's just for...

...me and my hog

Bastard bike riding in this weather. Never been so fucking wet in all my godforsaken life.

Ok, an edit now as my blood sugar is back up...

It was actually a lot of fun and the sun shone from the moment we got back to our cars.

I think it was a baptism of fire in terms of an introduction to fun on two wheels; I really don't think I'll ever experience weather as bad as that again. Which is good, because it means that it'll be a breeze from now on.

My entire bottom half was soaked (including my knickers), but my top half (with the exception of head and hands) were pretty dry - that jacket was a godsend (and only cost a tenner).

I'm definitely getting myself some mudguards. I had mud spalshes all up my back and onto the back of my head. I'm getting a rear mudguard that's about a foot wide, and also a little plastic canopy to cover the rest of the bike. In fact, next time the weather's like that, I'm staying in my car, or in bed.

We did 10 miles. This included lots of up hill and lots of down hill bits - and lots of mud. I thought we'd just be going for a gentle pootle round the reservoirs (see blue bits on map that aren't motorways). I was wrong about this, but there was certainly lots of water.

My chain came off twice, I said "fuck" (and derivatives) on about 47 occasions.

Life on Mars

Mars is supposed to be quite close at the moment; the closest it's been for years and will for 13 years. I don't understand planets and space and crap like that, but I do like to have a look at these phenomena when they occur.

Of course, being in the UK my enjoyment of such events usually amounts to a big fat ZERO because of clouds and street lighting and stuff. Not knowing where to look (except "up") doesn't really help either.


Step back in time
Clocks go back tonight, thank fuck. If I was a proper single person, I'd be out clubbing till about 4am and the change back to GMT would give me another hour to enjoy myself. As it is, I'm just looking forward to an extra hour in bed.

Of course, I'll need my rest because tomorrow is the big day for my: maiden bike ride. It's going to be wet and windy (now, there's a surprise), but it should be fun.

As far as two-wheeled torture goes, it seems that having a bike is quite the in thing at the moment. When April mentioned dusting off her bike and taking out so she could piss people off, I kind of pictured her on a sedate Miss Marple type of thing. How wrong I was, she's got a fucking monster! Apparently, it's also very "in" to refer to your bike as a "hog". No idea on that one, pheraps somebody could explain.


Toxic soup
It's soup season. Well, when all you have for your lunch at work every-fucking-day is a minestrone cup-a-soup (Bachelors, mind you), it's always soup season, but it's now proper soup season. Got back from my abortive and hungover trip to the shops to find that Mum (awww bless her and her axe-wielding ways) had made a pan of soup - an excellent cure for the ill effects codeine metabolites. It was delish and not at all toxic, but it provides a good link to Funny Thing's blog, "Toxic Soup".

If you can forgive her for being Welsh, you'll find that this is actually quite a good, well-written and funny blog. I didn't think the Welsh could read or write, but there you go. She gets extra Brownie points for hating pink and girls with dolls.


Voice of an angel
Not an earth angel, another WELSH angel, of all things. Is Charlotte Church Welsh?

Charlotte is a young woman who found fame as a little girl, singing things that you'd hear in churches and the like. It was all very sickening and she was far too sweet. Anyway (I'm hearing heavenly choirs again), she's all growd up now and I quite like her: she smokes; goes to the shops in her slippers and I also think she has a fab voice for pop music. She's a touch naff, but she sings effortlessly.

Not like the fucking terrible Joss Stone, who is quite frankly, talentless and very boring. She's developed for herself one of those husky rock voices that she belts out. Joss dear? sometimes you can try a bit too hard, love. Give up.


New CD
And now for your amusement, the track listing of a new CD that I've just burnt for myself:

1. In between days - The Cure
2. Hung up - Madonna
3. So good - Rachel Stevens
4. Lola's theme (extended vocal) - Shapeshifters
5. King of the mountain - Kate Bush
6. Too funky (that's me!) - George Michael
7. AKA Only time - Lemon Jelly
8. Hallo spaceboy (Pet Shop Boys remix) - David Bowie
9. Once in a lifetime - Talking Heads
10. Crazy chick - Charlotte Church
11. Lola's theme (radio edit) - Shapeshifters
12. Superfly guy - S'Express
13. True blue - Madonna (not sure how that got on there)
14. Pump up the jam - D.O.N.S. feat Technotronic
15. Freak like me - Sugababes
16. Love on your side - Thompson Twins

Freaky mixed up shit, but it's OK for the car.

I'm off outside to look up.

Cake fear

Fear, anxiety, worry, fright, horror, trepidation, terror, dread, apprehension...

Of these synonyms, we're lucky in that we rarely, if ever, experience horror, fright or terror. However, we all encounter fear, to some degree or another. I've been asked write something about my top ten fears, but I honestly don't think I have that many. I'm scared of trivial things, but there are only a few things that I really worry about that I know I would never want to experience.


Losing my parents
Not in terms, of not being able to find them, but in terms of them dying. It's one of those things that I've always dreaded since being very young and I really don't want to contemplate a time when they're not around, to the extent where I'd prefer to die before them. If only they weren't so fucking annoying, then I'd be able to appreciate them a bit more while they're still here.


Losing my independence
My family and friends are under strict instruction to switch off the life support if I ever end up in a situation where I'd be faced with losing my independence (for example, if I became quadraplegic following an accident). I also have a fear of developing some sort of degenerative conditon such as Parkinson's, Alzheimer's or MS, mainly because you'd know that you'd eventually come dependent on others, but there wouldn't be much you could do about it.


Being alone in old age
I don't really have anybody and although this is fine for now, I'm a bit scared of having nobody around for companionship, or even somebody to care about me, should I ever reach old age. I like my own space and my own company, but I find I tend to go a bit mental when I don't speak to people. It'd be nice to find somebody to settle down with, but I really don't think it'll happen.


Dying scared
Death doesn't worry me. I'd be OK dying tomorrow so long as it was quick: I've done all things I ever wanted to do and, quite frankly, I've had enough. However, I really don't like the thought of dying in a situation where I was scared, for example being kidnapped, tortured and murdered, or dying trapped somewhere like a car that's been submersed in water or is on fire.


Being homeless
I don't really have a home of my own, I live with my folks. This can be a nightmare, but if you look on the bright side, it's reasonably comfortable, my cats are here, my parents are generally OK. I couldn't imagine anything worse than being homeless, it must be bloody horrible.


Being in constant pain
I'm pathetic and I told cope with pain very well, I would hate to have a condition that meant I was in constant pain.


Going bald
Seriously! Some might think it would be a blessing with my hair, but I would really hate to lose my hair.


Other things that I'm scared of

1. Spiders and creepy crawlies
2. Noises at nightime
3. Unfamiliar situations
4. Heights
5. People invading my personal space

Gosh, that was a cheery old post!

PS Did you get the title? Cake Fear, as in Cape Fear? Fuck, I'm wasted.

Seriously, I'm completely wasted. I've got a terrible codeine hangover and I feel fucking dreadful. Went for a walk to the shops earlier, had some stuff to buy and was stood in the queue at the till when I realised that I'd not brought any cash or my bank card with me. Turd.

Happy...

...400th post

Is this going to be something special? Nah, is it heck. It is going to be a short list of only a few items, detailing why I'm happy at this particular moment.

1. Dear Herge is back with something brilliant. I was so very pleased to see that he'd posted yesterday evening and it looks like a break from blogging has done nothing to stem the flow of his creative juices. Anyway, for those that haven't experienced Angry Chimp, what the hell are you doing reading this crap? Get over there, find the archives and start right at the beginning, way back from February. You won't regret it, I promise you.
2. I am happy because I'm having a codeine moment.
3. My finances seem to be getting settled at long last. Down to only £1000 on credit cards (only!) and my car loan.
4. Max is on the bed next to me, he's gorgeous.
5. The clocks go back tomorrow night and we all get an extra hour in bed on Sunday morning.
6. I have managed to keep to my promise to get back to the gym - at last - I've been twice this week. Plus I'm going for my first bike ride on Sunday - really looking forward to this.
7. I'm going to see the League of Gentlemen stage show on Tuesday.

Such a lame post.

OK then, 6 things that I'm happy about, but there are hundreds of things that I hate about my life - really major, arse-ache things, but I can't do much about them.

You know when you've had a cut and it heals and the scab gets itchy, but it's still sore? I've got one on the back of my hand and it's getting right on my tits.

And you know when you're doing a bit of exercise and you can feel something giving and you should stop, but you don't? Well I felt my knee tweak at the gym earlier and now it's fucking killing me.

Grief junkies

I recall posting something about this sometime shortly after the 7th of July terrorist attacks in London, but there's something going wrong whereby a large proportion of people can be classed as "grief junkies". These are folk who jump on any bandwagon after a natural disaster, death or murder of a child, terrorist attack - for some reason, they need to demonstrate their grief for people they've never even heard of, let alone met. I'm at the other end of the scale and, rightly or wrongly, tend not to care.

Because of the tragic events involving fans of Liverpool Football Club, the people of the city are used to trauma and grief. And, not wanting to say anything out of turn against the victims and families of the Hillsborough disaster, there were a LOT of people who, with the loosest of connections, really jumped on the grief bandwagon and have stayed firmly on it ever since. This type of person revelled in the retained organs scandals at Alder Hey Children's Hospitals and they loved every second of the kidnapping and murder of Ken Bigley (who I don't think had lived in Liverpool for decades).

Rightly or wrongly, because of the grief junkies who have hijacked certain events, people from Liverpool have managed to get themselves a bit of a bad reputation for wallowing in the sorrow of others. And this is a very roundabout way of getting the main point of this rambling pile of crap:

Tributes left for a dead chicken
Flowers and tributes were left in an alleyway where the body of a mystery dead baby was found - before police realised it was only a chicken foetus.

A member of the public discovered the remains in a back alley in the Anfield area of Liverpool. Police cordoned off the scene but soon realised that it was not a human but a chicken foetus. Well-wishers had laid more than a dozen bunches of flowers at the scene, along with cards and teddy bears.

Local gossip
One of the cards read: "RIP Little Baby. Safe in the arms of Jesus. From someone who is a loving mother xxxx."

Merseyside Police told the community on Monday to "stop grieving, it's only a chicken". A spokeswoman for Merseyside Police said: "It seems a member of the public saw the remains of a foetus, which possibly resembled a human foetus, and called us.

"We cordoned off the area to investigate, as we would with any possible suspicious death, but it became apparent it was not a human foetus.

"The flowers and cards are obviously the result of local gossip, but we can assure people that the remains were not human."

Conservative MP and editor of The Spectator Boris Johnson was criticised last year after commenting in the magazine that Liverpudlians were "hooked on grief".

BORED!

The problem with tasks at work is getting started in the first place. Given a blank sheet of paper, it's sometimes difficult to get those first words down. You have the overall idea of how something should look, but how to build sentences, paragraphs and all the rest?

Sometimes things are made complicated when you have a finished product that you need to modify, or customise for a particular setting. Faced with a huge document that needs adapting for this locality, my initial thoughts are "Fuck, where do you start?". One factor that's making the task more difficult is that I've got the PDF and not the original files; although I have Acrobat, it's a complete fart to use it to edit large portions of a document - another thing to give me an excuse to wait until next week when I can retrieve the stuff from my other base.

So I'm left contemplating. No, it's not as grand or constructive as contemplating, I'm left like this:

Of course, I could just get on with it and the day would fly by, but it's much more fun setting the world straight with the wonderful Marie. Marie is a 50-odd year old, straight-talking Scouser, who I see as a sort of "auntie" figure. I just managed to share my feelings on my disinterest in society - a disinterest that some might call "hatred" - before she had to leave for an hour or so. In a short while, I shall leave for a trip to the local shopping centre where my "disinterest" in society will be fuelled by the skewed spectrum of the population that patronises the place. Time to see if Jamie's School Dinners and associated bandwagon jumpers have had any impact on the consumption of pasties and other savouries; I think people are moving on to Subway because they think that "assmbled before your eyes" equates to "healthy". Tsk. What difference does it make? It's people's choice what they eat, let them get on with it.


Tackling underage criminals
Good to see that the management of the afore mentioned shopping centre are tackling the problem of unruly children head-on. They've installed a cage in the centre of the shopping area with 10 foot high chicken wire fence that the screaming monsters are locked into. I think it may have an electrified floor too because there was a lot of jumping and sqealing going on. EVEN BETTER was the contraption down which children are hurled from an upper level. I'm not sure what they land on, but judging by the screams, I think it might be a spike pit or acid bath.

I was going to take a photo of these torture chambers, but I fear I may have been charged with infringement of these dwarfish criminals' human rights.


Missing
Notice anything missing from this picture?

The Earth Angel respondeth!

Thank you April

Queuing quandries

I'm not sure what's wrong with people when they go to the shops; it's as if they lose all common sense and awareness of their surroundings, thus becoming the most irritating, punch-deserving fucktards that ever walked the earth.

Or perhaps it's just me that comes across such utter mongoloids on my (increasingly) rare trips out amongst fellow "humans". I wish life could be more like cat world, where they just about tolerate each other at best, but generally have a good old scrap with ones that piss them off. No need for false niceties, or holding things in, just go for it and slap the fuckers that wind you up. Quick slap: they know they've pissed you off and go away to consider how to alter their behaviour; you can move on and forget about it.

Ahem...

Having returned to that beacon of retail wonder, Costco, to conduct a successful transaction for contact lenses, I'd had a wander round and picked up some stuff to buy (if you're interested: new winter coat; dried prunes; pizza for tomorrow night's tea; plums - can't go wrong with shopping lists). I'd also had some more fun trying on specs - still not sure, hum-hah. Anyway (choir of heavenly angels sings out: "Ahhhahahahhh, fay-vour-ite woooo-oooo-ooorrrd"), me and Mother (awwww) made our way to the till....

All the tills were fairly bustling and ours had 2 sets of shoppers in front of us. The first set loaded the conveyor with their stuff and the second pair of people stood there, in front of us, oblivious to the fact that there was a space the size of, oh at least a huge pizza, on the conveyor for them to place their soul purchase of a bottle of screen wash. And they waited, and waited, not paying attention. Worse still, they were stood a good metre from the end of the till and it was so tempting to jump in front of them with our very heavy items.

Why don't people pay attention to what's going on? I'm not advocating that people push up against each other and rush other shoppers, but fair's fair, get a fucking move on, for fuck's sake.

It reminds me of a time..... the sound of a harp as the scene fades, we're cast back to January and a novice Cakesniffer had just returned from Tesco...


Supermarket etiquette

I love Tesco! However, there are certain things about supermarkets that I cannot stand. I went to my local store this evening and the thing that always hits me there is the laziness of the customers: this is evident in the car park, with trollies strewn all over the place, taking up parking bays - all because people are such lazy bastards that they can't walk the 30 or so yard to the trolley park. Stupid twats. I think it's quite a well-to-do area (in comparison to where I live) and some of the customers must find that sort of thing beneath them. Either that or they're just inconsiderate and lazy. Second annoyance is changing stocks: you'll go there for ages, get used to a certain product and then you'll find it's been discontinued. I always find this with hair styling products and it really pisses me off - why do they do it? My family also became rather partial to Tesco's own brand chilli peanuts over Christmas and they too have been discontinued. There were a few confused and forlorn-looking punters scouring the salty snack aisle while I was there. A popular snack - gone! Yet there's a whole bloody aisle given over to Easter (25th March) and bastard Valentine's Day (14th February - I'm not bitter). I'm not just knocking Tesco for this premature assault of goods on its customers because all the supermarkets do it, but I wish they wouldn't. The year passes quickly enough as it is without bringing things forward months in advance. It won't be long before they start selling Christmas things again.

So I negotiated the shop (and they only had organic papardelle) and got to the till where the woman in front of me waited till she'd paid and my own goods were being scanned before she decided to think about packing her three items very slowly. I told the lad on the till to hang on a minute because our stuff was getting mixed up and she gave me such a glare. She was so slow and fucking retarded, but looked bright enough to know better, I could've killed her. All my stuff had been scanned by the time she picked up her bloody stuff and pissed off. I think she was one of these hippy types who refuses to be rushed by the pressures of the 21st century, but she was coming close to getting a slap - that'd have brought her into 2005! Stupid bitch. Then I got charged for three cans of borlotti beans and not two as I'd bought. Still, I should get them for free because of it.

I think I'm going to e-mail Tesco and tell them to start stocking their chilli peanuts again - they're DELISH!

You see, ten months on and I bet Tesco have started stocking those chilli peanuts again in readiness for Christmas. I shall investigate.

Misery

Oh, another film theme? No, I'm about to put folk out of theirs by revealing my answers to the true or false statements.

Here goes, ahem...

1. I refused to meet one Health Secretary and was abusive to another. True. While working in my lab, I received a phonecall from another part of the hospital to say that a research poster of mine had won an award and I was to be presented with a certificate by then Secretary of State of Health (top health minister in UK), Frank Dobson. I refused to go, but was told in no uncertain terms that I had to and was essentially dragged along to receive the award. It was horrible. A couple of years ago, I encounted Dr John Reid (another recent Health Secretary). He and his entourage wanted to use the room in which I was holding a training session and I told him that the room wouldn't be free until the time which had been agreed beforehand. I was accused of being abusive.
2. I have engaged in sexual activities in the workplace. True again, but I'm not elaborating.
3. When I was a student, I had a regular summer job in an abattoir. False. (You don't know what an abattoir is April? It's where they kill animals for meat). When I was a student, I had a summer job as a chemist in the QA labs at a factory that makes huge batteries and things. It was good fun. You wouldn't get me anywhere near an abattoir.
4. I was once run over by a horse. True. I was backstop at rounders and had to retrieve the ball from a nearby horses' field. While in there, I was knocked over when a horse got a bit excited. Another horse jumped over me and clipped my knee with its hoof. It really hurt.
5. I have broken into a house to retrieve my cat. True. Max is a complete dick and keeps getting himself locked in houses when the council have workmen in doing rennovations on unoccupied properties. I had to break into the same house on two separate occasion to get the little shit back. The workmen always left the doors open for him to escape, but he hid under floorboards and things because he was scared of them. So he always ended up getting locked up again when they went home at the end of the day. As it was weekend (on both occasions), I didn't want him stuck in there for over two days so I went in to get him - once through an open window and the second time by using the key that they thought they'd hidden under a stone.
6. I have lied under oath to protect a friend. False. No, I've never been called on to do this. But I have told the truth to protect a friend and that was possibly more difficult.
7. I used to play bass guitar in the school band. False. Although I was in a guitar group with a load of my teachers, we all played accoustic (badly).
8. I don't always brush my teeth before going to bed. Guilty as charged. I always intend to brush my teeth, but if I take a can of pop to bed to finish off, I won't brush them until I've finished it and sometimes fall asleep before I do either. Tut, tut, tut.
9. Driving at 30mph pisses me off and I only slow down if I know there's a speed camera. FALSE. I'm actually a stickler for the rules of the road and I always try really hard to drive at the speed limit in urban areas (although I get really annoyed with drivers who drive under the speed limit). Motorways and dual carriageways don't count though.
10. I am an alcoholic. True, believe it or not. I have always had a very rocky relationship with booze and used to drink a fair bit every evening. I gave up 6 years ago and am now teetotal.
11. I once offered to be a surrogate mother for my sister. Hell no!
12. I have never eaten cottage cheese. Truth! Why would anybody eat this shit? It looks like puke, for fuck's sake.
13. I have met the Pope. False. Although I have stood at the foot of tomb of PJP2 - and all the other dead Popes for that matter.
14. Drunk at a Christmas party, I called my boss Jacob Marley and told him to fuck off. True. My boss had actually left us, but returned to have regular updates, one of which was on the day of our Christmas do. Unfortunately, he'd really pissed me off at the meeting and, tongue loosened by a couple of litres of house red, I told him what I thought of him (or so I've been told). Despite the fact that he'd left, he kept coming back for one leaving do after another and this is where the Jacob Marley thing comes from. I said, "You're just like Jacob Marley you..." And when asked why, I said, "...because you keep coming back!". Not an episode that I'm particularly proud of and I couldn't apologise enough. In spite of everything, I had and still have a lot of respect for the man and it was a rather childish, if highly amusing, thing to do.
15. While at university, I considered taking holy orders and joining a convent. Get outta here!
16. When I was a student, I stole garden furniture from the halls of residence that neighboured our flats. Absolutely true (and there are photos somewhere too). Not only did I get a garden umbrella and chair, I also got a police "no waiting" cone in which to prop the garden umbrella. During my time at University, I also acquired: a beer keg; a shower curtain from the Union; an 8 ball.
17. I was evacuated from Marks and Spencer in Manchester city centre the day when the IRA blew it up in 1996. False. I was supposed to be going into Manchester that morning, but I got up late and I was in the bath at the time when I heard the bang (6 miles out).
18. I have been engaged to be married. Have I bollocks!
19. I was arrested during the Poll Tax AND student loans demonstrations. Nope, I took part in none of these demos. I'm not the demonstrating kind and I didn't really have an argument against either the Poll Tax or student loans.
20. I graduated top of my class. True indeed. I have a first class honours degree in biochemistry and I won the prize for being the top swot. This pissed off all the girls who'd spent 3 years in the library while I'd been making time to enjoy myself as well as study.

So there you have it.

I've written a letter to Daddy

I haven't really, but it's an appropriate title for a post about the wonderful Whatever happened to Baby Jane? The Joan Crawford/Bette Davis classic about sibling rivalry taken that touch too far.

It's ages since I've seen the film, but something brought it to mind the other night: pissing about with a phone camera, I took this shot of me and my lovely sister

"I swear Jane, if I wasn't stuck in this chair..."

Nothing remarkable about this. We're both mingers, so it's no great surprise that a photo would turn out this way. However, at a second glance, one thing sprung to mind:

"Butcha are, Blanche! Ya ARE!"

Hammer Horror
I love Hammer Horrors and was thrilled at this shot in which Anna bears a remarkable resemblance to Vincent Price.... priceless!

And look what chasing me through the streets of central Manchester this morning!

True or False
There's time to give your answers to the True or False statements until tomorrow I think. Some folk have been very close, while I'm quite shocked and appalled at what some people think of me.

Cakesniffer confidential: true or false

Well, good old Coldcoldearth had a fantastic post in which he made 20 outrageous statements about himself - 10 of which were true. I've now been invited to do the same thing here. Deep joy.

Can blogworld be bothered to strip fact from fiction? Remember, 10 are true, 10 are false. What do you think?

1. I refused to meet one Health Secretary and was abusive to another
2. I have engaged in sexual activities in the workplace
3. When I was a student, I had a regular summer job in an abattoir
4. I was once run over by a horse
5. I have broken into a house to retrieve my cat
6. I have lied under oath to protect a friend
7. I used to play bass guitar in the school band
8. I don't always brush my teeth before going to bed
9. Driving at 30mph pisses me off and I only slow down if I know there's a speed camera
10. I am an alcoholic
11. I once offered to be a surrogate mother for my sister
12. I have never eaten cottage cheese
13. I have met the Pope
14. Drunk at a Christmas party, I called my boss Jacob Marley and told him to fuck off
15. While at university, I considered taking holy orders and joining a convent
16. When I was a student, I stole garden furniture from the halls of residence that neighboured our flats
17. I was evacuated from Marks and Spencer in Manchester city centre the day when the IRA blew it up in 1996
18. I have been engaged to be married
19. I was arrested during the Poll Tax AND student loans demonstrations
20. I graduated top of my class

Blimey, that was hard work. Doing things like that makes you realise how dull your life really is.

Bluetooth redemption
I've acquired a USB bluetooth adapter for my PC. It's such fun and it makes it really easy to transfer stuff between my phone and PC (photos, music, etc). It's a phone, for fuck's sake, why does being able to transfer photos and music to and from it matter? I've no idea, it just does.


Flattery will get you everywhere
In case readers here haven't noticed, Piggy and Tazzy have been running a Cakesniffer special over at the Chocolate Starfish. Their efforts are well worth a look.

I spy with my little eye, something beginning with...

NUMPTY!

Just been to order my next supply of lenses from lovely Costco. This would have been the fourth occasion that I have done this. The procedure should follow this sort of script:

Me: "Hello, can I have 6 months' supply of contact lenses please? Here's my membership card."

Them: "Sure, let's just check your prescription. That's great, £59 please. We'll call you when they're here."

Me: "Lovely, thank you. Cheerio."


On three previous occasions, this has gone without a problem. However tonight, this happened:

Me: "Hello, can I have 6 months' supply of contact lenses please? Here's my membership card."

Them: "I'll just check your prescription....." couple of minutes later "...I think there's a problem, your prescription isn't written down."

Me: "It must be, I've had lenses from it three times now."

Them: "Well, it is written down, but it's not written for the type of lens that you have. You see, it's written down for Softview lenses, but not Softlens lenses."

Me: "...And....? It's still the same prescription."

Them: "But I can't be sure unless it's written down."

Me: "It's that prescription that's always been used to order my lenses. Why can't you just search the past transactions on my account and copy that?"

Them: "Because I can't be sure that's the right prescription. Do you know what your prescription is?"

Me: "Yes, it's that that's written down."

Them: "But I can't order that prescription because it's for Softview not Softlens. Can you come back tomorrow?"

Me, glaring, top lip curling into a snarl: "No."

Them: "Oh, well why don't you phone up tomorrow and we'll try and sort something out that way."

Me: "Grrrrrrrrr"

Bloody hell. I can't blame the woman really because she was on her own and she needed to follow the rules and the rules are: no prescription, no lenses. However, that's akin to saying that the prescription for my specs lenses was for Zeiss and refusing to supply Pentax lenses of that prescription. Bonkers and very annoying.

Anyway, I was looking at specs while I was there too. What do you all think to these?

Or even, these?

Or perhaps even THESE???

I'm not sure about getting any specs unless I have somebody with me who's a little more enthusiastic and less likely to laugh at me than my 20 year old cousin. Wonder if Piggy and Tazzy fancy coming for a trip to Costco with me?

Frapper

Thanks to everyone who's taken the time to add themselves to my Frapper map, btw - although the url is having a bit of trouble for some reason. Never mind.

The not-bad Samaritan

Walking down the street to where I park my car at hometime, I wandered by a people carrier that had its driver's door open - an Asian lady was reclined in the seat. When I'd passed the car, she sounded the horn and called me back ("What does she want then?"); she was feeling faint, very dizzy and sick and could I go and get her some water. I asked if she was with somebody and it transpired that her husband was on his way. I set off to go and buy a bottle of water for her then changed my mind. No, I didn't fuck off home, I told her that I was going to call an ambulance and then proceeded to do just that. So I called th'ambulance and stuck around until her hubby showed up, but scarpered as soon as he'd arrived - didn't want to get stuck in rush-hour traffic, did I?

Dream on, dreamer

Life certainly does get in your way!

You need your sleep to recouperate from a hectic day of scowling at siblings, being put out by their requests for technical support, eating fucking delish curry...

As part of the Sniffy Experimentals programme of fully validated and peer reviewed scientific work, I conducted a sleep experiment last night. Interested in knowing how much I move about while sleeping, in order to make an informed decision on easy-care or Egyptian percale bed linen, I thought I'd employ the full technical capability of my camera to find out.

My camera is no slouch and it is has an "intervalometer" setting, whereby it will automatically take a picture at a set interval for up to 100 shots. You can use it for taking photos of flower buds opening and that kind of shit.

Anyway (!) I put it to the test last night. I set the camera on its little tripod on my bedside table and set the shutter to fire every 5 minutes. The green AF assist beam and shutter noise (must remember to turn off that sound effect) were only disturbing for the first two hours and I fell into a deep slumber. Unfortunately, I forgot to set the shutter speed appropriately, so there are about 80 frames of complete blackness until dawn started to break. My last hour of sleep was caught thusly:

How earily still is that? I missed the last one off where my eyes were half open, which gave me the appearance of a victim of a strangulation.

So that was fun.

Me and Anna did a hill this afternoon. The plan had been for her to come round this morning, we'd then do some shopping, then go up a hill. She arrived at 2.30, ate two lunches, was on the phone for an hour and we left at about 4pm. Still, this is us atop Holcombe Moor near Ramsbottom.

That's Winter Hill in the background and those are the masts that bring the North West of England its television. Blow the fucking things up and get the thick fuckers to learn to read is what I say, but I'm not in charge.

Holcombe Moor is home to Peel Tower, which was constructed in honour of local celebrity Sir Robert Peel, the former black pudding salesman who brought us or Boys in Blue (overweight, useless Nazis in stab-proof vests who never leave the safety of their vans unless they can get on the telly when it's a murder). You can see right into North Wales from up there. Well you could if the visibility wasn't always hampered by the shit weather we get here.

This is me in front of the tower. Yes, my trousers are tucked into my socks, I apologise; it's been raining a lot and, it being moorland, is very good at retaining water and being muddy.

There's also an MOD firing range near there. If we'd gone early enough, I was going to get Anna to try and find it.

Tell you what's good VFM? Flickr Pro: you pay £15 a year and you don't need to worry about reducing the size of photos before uploading them.

Oh! Feel free to add yourselves to my Frapper map thing over there>>>>>> (under my e-mail address). It'd be nice to build up a map of where everyone comes from. Does anybody get any Aussie visitors?

Wrap up warm in winter

With November rapidly approaching, the relentless fall of leaves from trees, dipping temperatures and short days, there's no escaping the fact that it is well and truly autumn and that winter will soon be upon us.

Ah well, there's no point giving in to depression. I might as well embrace the changing seasons (groan) and make the most of it. Winter has its positives: there's Christmas; and the run up to it; and the food; buying lovely pressies for lovely people.... and wrapping up warm.

There's something nice about wearing your big quilted winter coat, pulling your gloves and hat on. It's kind of like being cuddled. Even more so if you've got a nice scarf to wear. Oooh, wrap it round your neck to keep the chill out - a nice long one will even add extra warmth to your chest.

Fantastic.

Why then, do I hate THIS:

For some reason seeing a scarf worn in this particular way really winds me up and I don't know why. I think it's because I work near the universities in a large city that has the largest student population in Europe. Each day, I'll see these nubile young things hopping off buses, laughing, thin, optimistic, attractive, fashionable, popular. There are LOADS of them, all wearing scarfs tied in this way - but they never wear an overcoat!

"I was wondering if you could help, I seem to have forgotten my coat"

This is called the "European casual" or "European loop-through" method of tying a scarf:

What are the alternatives? Well, as it happens, it seems that I tend to go for the Single Knot:

Or the Double Flip:

But never the through loop.

Fuck, the things that I find annoy me get more bizarre and worrisome each day. Today I got annoyed because I had to leave the house. Withdrawal from society is becoming more appealing to me. This is probably not such a bad thing since I don't really like the society in which I live, or the people in it. Dealing with people on a daily basis is such a chore and god forbid anybody should attempt to engage in conversation with me while I'm trying to conduct a transaction at the shops.

Pay at the pump for petrol, online shopping for everything else.

Anyway (a favourite word for a swelling tide of people it seems), that's my reclusive side dealt with.

Tina's techno traumas

Bluetooth is the shittest of all technologies ever. New phone: trying to transfer music from PC via SD card in old phone and employing super bluetooth to magic the files from one phone to the other. Fucking waste of time, especially since the phone's headphones are completely shit.

Bluetooth shite reconstruction:

People shouldn't be allowed anywhere near a computer unless they've rudimentary lessons in how to use one. Are people allowed to use a car without having driving lessons? No. So why do people buy computers, only to rely on others to sort out their problems when they realise they haven't got a clue what they're doing?

Ever tried to teach your mum (or similar elderly relative) how to use predictive text messaging? No? Don't bother. Although Connie is thrilled with the camera on her new (my old) phone and she also likes having Kelly-Marie's Feels like I'm in love and Kylie's Hand on your heart as ringtones.

Top ten

I've been given the near impossible task of compiling my top ten favourite songs. Cheers fellers!. Let's think who it'll have to contain songs by, then work from there (perhaps if I list the artistes, they'll realise their mistake and withdraw their request).

Draft 1

• Blondie (from: Picture this; Hanging on the telephone; Union City blue; Dreaming)
• B52s (from: Summer of love; Ain't it a shame; Song for a future generation; Queen of Las Vegas; 52 Girls; Give me back my man; Dirty back road)
• Tori Amos (from: Cornflake girl; A sorta fairytale; Precious things; Yes, Anastasia)
• Kate Bush (from: The big sky; The man with the child in his eyes; James and the cold gun; Houdini; Rocket's tail; Never be mine; L'amour looks something like you)
• Madonna (from: Into the groove (original); Ray of light; Revenge; Like a prayer; Beautiful stranger)
• George Michael/Wham (from: Cowboys and angels; Freedom 90; Too funky; You have been loved; Club Tropicana)
• Kylie (from: Hand on your heart; Better the devil you know; Shocked; What do I have to do?)
• S'Express - Superfly guy
• Lemon Jelly - The Saunton lick

Of course, these are just the ones from my favourite artistes. There's also a huge selection of one offs that I could make a top million out of.

I'll work on it, I've noticed there's no Abba in there. It needs work and lots of careful consideration.

King of the mountain

Eeeh, I'm happy. Just downloaded the new Kate Bush single. Even if it was totally shit, I'd love it. But it's not shit, it's fuckin' ace.

My music acquisitions this week have been:

Downloads
Madonna's Hung up
Rachel Stevens's So good
Kate Bush's King of the mountain

Real music
Lemon Jelly's '64-'95

About 10-15 years ago, I was really into my music and there was rarely a moment when I wasn't listening to something. It's weird how habits change, but with all this stuff on my PC here, and the fact that I'm ALWAYS on my PC, I should really listen to more; I think it's quite good for me.

Aahhh, Kate Bush eh? Fantastic.

Around the world in eighty clicks

Playing with Google maps, it's dawned on me that you can essentially click and drag yourself around the entire world, with a satellite view of the land below. It's sort of a weird hot air balloon experience I suppose.

This one shows where I live (blue) and the places I travel to for my job. The furthest orange blob is over 30 miles from the blue blob.

Looking at the close up satellite image of my locality,

The proportions have been stretched a bit oddly in this one, but I can see my front lawns that are a pain to mow, but not the back garden because it's completely obscured by a sycamore canopy. There's my fucking shitforbrains neighbour's minibus that, after over 6 years, he STILL can't manoeuvre off his drive without the world knowing about his huffing and puffing. I can see the store over the road, path I take to go for walks down the local woods, the motorway slip road, the wagons at the transport dept over the road from me...

The wagons that, despite having loads of room to park in the transport depot, repeatedly block my drive when the dickhead drivers park on the road. The wagons that provide a constant wave, after wave of noise as they set off, seemingly in convoy from about 4am. The wagons whose drivers stand on the roadside and have conversations with each other (about the considerations of parking in a residential area no doubt) in the early hours of the morning - it obviously gives them something to do while they're waiting for their cabs to warm up with the heat of the massive engines that they leave running for ages before setting off on their journeys.

Utter cocks.


Yay! Utter cocks
I've had a comment from the Finnish Yay! Cakesniffers who have called me a bully for picking on people who can't look after themselves.

"You are a very mean person. You are a bully. You pick on people who are not capable of looking after themselves. Shame on you.Why?"

Gosh, who have I upset? A religious group, people with disabilities, black people, Chinese people, greedy lazy dolescum?

No, I've "picked on" some Finnish kids. Apparently I'm an aggressive blogger who's been leaving nasty comments on their blog (in my sleep obviously), so they've changed something or other.

Yay!

No idea what they're on about, but never mind. I don't feel the need to defend myself, however, I'd like to reiterate that I'm not in the business of leaving comments on people's blogs unless I'm being complimentary, if I've got a valid point to make or something to add in keeping with the ongoing discussions. There's no way I'm giving comment kudos to utter shit. On the other hand I have been known to make observations about other people's efforts here and there and in some other places, but this is every blogger's right.

I'm sure if I did a search for comments about me or this blog, there'd be quite a few that were not particularly complimentary, but so what? It's everybody's right to have their say about stuff, so let them get on with it.

Grow up.

An edit: Shitting trickster! (See comments)

Eeeuuurrrrrgghhhhh

Eaten too much.

Rocket science

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)

Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, and military jets , all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console,snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken."

Sowing the seed of love

My dear, darling sister is a year older than me. This means that, biological clock-wise, it's a rapid tick-tock countdown to her being barren. Her plan for 2005 was to meet the man of her dreams, convince him that she's not completely mental, get married and get pregnant so she could have a baby before it was too late.

You remember Anna, don't you? The one I went to Rome with? Remember how many times I wanted to kill her in that short space of time? So, are we surprised that Mr Right keeps slipping through Anna's desperate clutches? And her insistence on wearing makeup and fussing about her appearance! Then again, given what she has to work with, I should really be more understanding.

But I do love her to bits and it'd be great for her to find happiness, to have her dreams come true.

I have a cunning plan. She's buying a house with her lovely friend, who is a gay chap. They've known each other for years - since they met up a mountain in Vietnam of all places. Anyway, fed up of living in their separtes terraced houses, and resigned to the single life, they're taking the plunge and buying a semi together in one the leafy suburbs that used to be a red light district, but is now very up and coming - apparently.

I'm going to suggest that they have a baby together and I'm going to buy them a turkey baister as a moving in present.

It'll be SO FAB!

My only fear is that she's already thought of it and that she steals my thunder. We're going out for a family meal to celebrate Dad's birthday tomorrow; I think I'll brink it up over the bruschetta. It should go down rather well I think.


What the world is waiting for
Remember the Stone Roses? Weren't they great?

Anyway, cakesniffy yes/no responses:

1. Ginger beer
YES, FUCKIN' DELISH! Nice and spicy. People in the UK should try "Bottle green" ginger and lemongrass cordial diluted with cold fizzy water, it really is the business.

2. Toe nails
No, not really. No matter how they're dressed up, they're pretty fucking disgusting, especially big fungal ones that come out to torment people in the summer.

3. Getting new technology for no justifiable reason
Hrrrm, yeerrrrsss, or at least I would if I was completely stupid with my finances. It's so tempting to get an iRiver, new PC, new stereo with the "spare cash" that I've got, but I'm going to be good and pay a chunk of a credit card (boo hoo). I have, however, just acquired a new mobile phone. The old one is more than adequate, a lovely phone, and does all that I want, but I fancied a new one, so I got one. Dick. At least it was free.

4. Flirting with your line manager
Yes, I'm afraid I've found myself doing this a little bit over the past few weeks. Tut, tut, tut.

5. Tinned spaghetti
No fucking way! Never tried it, don't want to go near it. Strange that I like macaroni cheese and tinned ravioli.

6. Wrapping up warm in winter
Yessiree! But only if I get the go ahead from the government. I love being nice and toasty in the winter, to the point of inducing febrile fitting. I'd love to see Herge in his duffle coat too.

7. Sycamore trees
Yeah, love em to bits, absolutely love the fucking things dropping their shit all over my car and garden and blocking all the fucking light. Right on, more sycamores!

8. Grey squirrels
Fucking cunts, but I do kind of like them for their audacity. They're pretty cute.

9. Anchovies
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! I adore these little fishies in all their incarnations: marintated or salty, I can eat 'em by the dozen. On a proper oven-baked pizza with black olives is simply deeeeeevine. Also, the marinated ones are perfect on a nice tomato salad bruschetta - fuckin delishiozo!

My birthday lunch

10. April pissoff
Abso-fucking-lutely! Love this woman, love her blog. She's a goddess, she's clever, she's witty, she makes me howl laughing. A definite "yes" to April.


The song was Native New Yorker by Odyssey. This was correctly recognised by my sworn enemy Treacletrade, but good on him/her/it. A temporary truce has been called until they piss me off again. Won't take long


A night off
I'm not going to be around until Friday night because of the family meal tomorrow evening. Oh boy, what a fun time I'm in for!


Coming up...
What NOT to wear... Quiz show contestants... Hammer House of Horror... Photography tips for Canon S2 IS owners (yep, that's you Lisa!)... People who call their daughter Bryony then fail to own a Porsche!

Inspire me

I've hit a creative nadir. Well, I'm not particularly creative anyway, I guess I'm just using "fancy words" to say that I can't think of anything to write.

Fuck it then, don't write anything! That'd be too easy.

Ok, watching The Weakest Link earlier, I noticed a bespectacled young lady (yes, those sort of specs with thick, black rectangular frames!) who was called Bryony.

Now, there's a name that when you see it, you automatically want to punch the person to whom it belongs. It screams "I'm a stuck up spastic" and "Daddy's got a Porsche!". It's the sort of name that somebody who is a completely affected, stuck up nob would call their child. Other names that fit in this category are:

Jocasta,
Vida,
Hermione,
Cressida,
Candida,
Tomassina,
and my all-time top of the "slap me" shop.... Verity

These names scream "I've got a name that people will automatically hate me for, but I'll always have enough money for it not to matter."

Bryony, for fuck's sake.


Ministry for speaking the blindingly obvious
I'm not sure whether I'm just more in tuned to my absolute hatred of politicians because my loathing of our current Government, but I'm sure that this Government must have a Minster for Speaking the Blindingly Obvious.

As well as being nannied over just about everything - to such an extent that you have to ask permission to take responsibility for your own life - the Government seems to have done remarkably well at fooling the people by saying things that are completely obvious, but dressing them up as fantastic policy decisions.

"We are introducing new legislation that will enable all UK citizens to wrap up warm over the winter months!"

"Education is vital for any young person's development"

"We need a reliable and modern healthcare system"

"A dwindling pension fund means that people will have to work past retirement age"

"If you eat crap food, you grow up to be thick, obese and diabetic"

"A robust and prudent economic policy is good for the economy"

"Stability in the Middle East is vital for international security"

"Keep your workplace safe: mop up spills and don't leave trailing cables that people might slip or trip on" (This is an actual radio advert that's running at the moment)

The latest rumour is that, having failed in its bid to increase literacy and numeracy skills amongst school leavers, the Department for Education & Skills is to ask schools to introduce lessons in text messaging to our youngsters. At least they'll get a high pass rate in the national exams for that one!

Fuck me. I'm sounding like a grumpy old woman. I am a grumpy old woman.


With inspiration low, it's always great to know you can fall back on:

1. Ginger beer
2. Toe nails
3. Getting new technology for no justifiable reason
4. Flirting with your line manager
5. Tinned spaghetti
6. Wrapping up warm in winter
7. Sycamore trees
8. Tree ratsGrey squirrels
9. Anchovies
10. April Pissoff

As highly valued members of the blogging community, your responses will be treated with the utmost respect. Thankyouverymuch, we couldn't have so much fun without you.

Musical interlude?
You grew up ridin' the subways, running with people
Up in Harlem, down on Broadway

Too bloody easy, that one.

Monday fatigue

Today is Monday and Monday is never a good day for most people. Having been kept awake for a lot of the night because of a tickly cough, I'm now pretty boogered. Creativity sapped from too much codeine (I was eventually forced to take a swig of codeine linctus to get to sleep last night), Cakesniffers is having the evening off.

But here's something for people to try. If you haven't already got the Google toolbar, download it, go to "options" and turn on the word translate tool. I'm hoping to have a full Italian vocabulary by Christmas.

Oh look, I managed to get that photo of Uma in again.

Beauty and the beast

Poll analysis
Careful analysis of the public vote held on 15th October 2005, gave some interesting results. Despite some surprising opposition, Uma Thurman returned a landslide victory and was voted in as Shag of the Week by 90% of the electorate.

Let's see how Uma reacted to this outcome...

"Naturally I'm delighted that so many of you think so highly of me", she said demurely.

While relaxing over a celebratory cigarette donated by Mr Coldearth, she continued: "Of course, it was a total shock to find myself in this position after so many years in the shag wilderness. However it's amazing how much a good dye job can do for a girl. My campaign manager, Mr Tarantino, has been amazing.

"I'm totally taken aback. I had no idea people thought so highly of me, I mean, I'm just a plain old girl from Boston. You'd have thought my 6'1" frame and slender, toned body, blonde hair, piercing blue eyes and full lips would have gone against me, so I'm surprised and delighted to see that people can look beyond outer appearances and see the real person inside. I'm touched."

As voters filed away, contemplating Uma being touched, the muffled screams of Bronwen were briefly heard as she was taken away to be re-educated.

Voters had been polled on a number of pressing issues. Here's how Returning Officer Cakesniffer gave the results breakdown:

1. Spiders

A resounding NO FUCKING WAY. I hate spiders, they are evil. This chap is a garden spider that lies in wait for me near my back door. I'm sure he's going to jump on me one day (once he's recovered from the flash gun of my camera). Garden spiders are the least evil of all arachnids. We are currently suffering a plague of monster house spiders. These bastards are VERY fast and very big. They even jump. They serve no purpose apart from making humans very scared of entering darkened rooms.

2. Orange wee

Yeah, it's OK. It's much better than your average bland yellowish stuff. Let's face it, you go the loo, have a yellow wee and think nothing of it. On the other hand, if you have an orange wee, you take notice; it actually makes you think about whether you're having enough water, whether your kidneys are working OK, whether your diet is deficient in something, or whether you're eating something you shouldn't be.

Orange wee gets the thumbs up.

3. Black cherry yoghurt

You must be fucking joking. Why do they do multipacks of yoghurt that include this crap?

4. Spring greens

Yepadoodledoo. Love 'em! My favourite of the green cabbagey things, I like them drizzled with olive oil and accompanied with plenty of white pepper.

5. Aunt Flo

As a child, I actually had an "Auntie Flo" - she wasn't a real auntie, but you called all older people auntie or uncle back then. Today I found out that Aunt Flo is a euphemism for "menstruation". While periods can be rather inconvenient and uncomfortable, I give them a YES. You see, if you happen to fiddle with yourself while you're on your period, you can actually have a truly amazing orgasm. Or so I've heard. Give it a go and report back to me.

6. Poisoning your date

No, I can't condone this sort of behaviour, no matter how much you want to avoid getting into a "situation" with somebody who you feel no attraction towards. Take note Whinger!

7. Christmas decorations in October

Fuck right off

8. Rollerskating

No, no way, never. Rollerskating (and icy equivalents) was invented as a(nother) form of public humilation for unpopular tubby kids. Fucking hate it.

9. Slot machines

They have some really good ones that you get special prizes from in the ladies' lavs.

10. Uma Thurman

Sigh....

Forests of blood

Britain is under threat from immigrants that are taking over huge areas of the entire country. The indigenous population is being forced into ever smaller habitats, where they cower and hide from the impending threat.

Run, run for you life, little one!

Integration is not on their agenda; oh no, it's a complete takeover or nothing for that menace that is:

Yes, the grey squirrel, or scoiattolo grigio, or even “that fucking bastard is on the fence again!” as we say in our house, came to the UK from Canada. Having a maximum lifespan of 10 years, the grey squirrel will, on average live for 3-4 years. That’s 3-4 years of annoying the fuck out of little Otto.

Whereas Max has had a constant battle of wills with the local magpie population, to the extent where one once pood in his eye, Otto has been trying to capture one of these things for the past four years.

If only he could understand me when I tell him: “No chance”. Although we did once find the tail of such a beast, its body was nowhere to be seen.

Curiouser and curiouser.

I’m actually wondering whether Otto lost his eye in a scrap with a squirrel, it wouldn’t surprise me.

He’s now after them for revenge in a fashion similar to Elle Driver after she lost hers to Pai Mai.

There are better photos of Elle Driver, but this one had Uma in it too.

As I type this, I am becoming increasingly arsed off with my internet connection, which is very patchy today. Thank you ntl, you cocks. Why don’t they warn you when they’re doing maintenance work? Nobheads.

Bollocks, at the 5th attempt to upload a photo (cannot find server), it’s the wrong one afterall. Tit.

Of course, another popular import to Britain is the sycamore tree. These ugly fuckers have spread like wildfire since their introduction. You can generally tell a proper British tree because they have good “ug” names, such as oak, ash, elm, beech, alder, holly, lime, hazel and birch. Fancy imports have longer names, such as “fucking shitting bastard sycamore cunt”.

There are four huge sycamores in neighbours’ gardens. They overhang my back garden where they:

• Block out the light


• Drop sap all over my car and the path


• House birds that crap on my car


• Drop leaves and seeds on my car


• Try to get in to the bathroom through the window


• Trap dirt and dust that gets blown into the house


• Attract insects and flies that invade the house for 6 months of the year

This is me in my back garden. You see I’m wearing sunglasses? That’s because outside my garden it was nice and sunny, but inside, all the light had been blocked out by the fucking bastard sycamores.

I washed my car yesterday. Today it is covered in tree sap, stuck to which is dust and a load of aphids and other assorted creepy crawlies. The air vents are filled with leaves and the “helicopter” seeds. There are 4 or 5 dollops of bird poo.

I hate these trees, they serve no purpose. I want them all dead.

Dirty dozent

Cleanliness is lovely. There's nothing like that feeling you get when you're nice and clean out the shower. You have freshly laundered everything on and your hair smells nice and looks ok for the next five minutes and that's about it. You've just had a squirt of your favourite perfume too. Or even better, imagine the same and getting into a freshly made bed.

Ahh, lovely.

Ahhhhhhh.

Now, this lovely feeling is even better if you're absolutely minging before you get in the shower. I once set myself the ming-challenge, whereby I tried to see how long I could go between showers. I think I lasted 4 days, it was ace. Even better was the fact that I was decorating my bedroom at the time so I was super pongy; covered in plaster, dust, wallpaper, paint - the lot. I obviously didn't leave the house during that entire period and my folks only just stopped short of making me sleep in the shed, but it was well worth it for the shower at the end of it.

DIZGUSSTING

Time for a...
I was every little hungry schoolgirl's pride and joy, And I guess it was enough for me

Oh yes!

1. Spiders
2. Orange wee
3. Black cherry yoghurt
4. Spring greens
5. Aunt Flo(????)
6. Poisoning your date
7. Christmas decorations in October
8. Rollerskating
9. Slot machines
10. Uma Thurman

Musical musings
Heaven knows, I was just a young boy
Didn't know what I wanted to be

Artiste and title OR next two lines please. Ok, there's a clue here somewhere if you look close enough.

Testing testing testing

This is a test, surprisingly enough.

Codeine confidential

Codeine

Dihydrocodeine

I nick cocodamol tablets from my dad. They're crap for pain relief, but brilliant for sending you a bit squiffy. The dose is pretty good in prescription cocodamol; you get 30mg codeine "cut with" a bit of paracetamol in each tablet. So long as you don't take them too often, i.e. no more than once a week, you get quite a nice effect from taking a couple of them - unless you're my sister, then you die (she's terrible allergic, you see).

While others around the UK are nursing booze-fuelled hangovers, I'm still feeling slightly like an out of body experience, but my coffee (which all of Cakesnifferdom knows how to make for me) will soon kick in.


Not all fun
But it's not all fun with codeine. Cocodamol are actually prescribed for pain relief of all things. A couple of years ago, I did my back in. It was so severe that I couldn't walk, sit, lie - nothing. After being gingerly placed in my mum's car (accompanied by much agonised screaming), I was driven to the GP who didn't really examine me or look me in the face, but wrote me a script for cocodamol.

Whereas cocodamol are great for sending a person squiffy in the head, they're pretty useless for relieving agonising back pain. Worse still, given enough of them, they make a person feel a bit sick and soon have the effect of causing constipation. One of the worst things about doing your back is sitting up straight is just about impossible. Sitting on the toilet is just as bad, and sitting on the toilet while using your back and other muscles to squeeze out a poo can actually cause enough pain to make a person faint. Imagine then, the added problem of your poos developing codeine-induced grappling hooks that effectively make them hang on to your colon for dear life. Fuckers. So much pain and a really bloated abdomen.

So that's my take on cocodamol: never take it for its intended purpose because it's not very good.


Threadbared
I recently took to blog cruising again and I came across the delightfully entertaining and eloquent Whinger - she's in California, you know.

Being on the lookout for new blogging experiences to add to the excellent ones that I already read, I followed the links that Whinger had on her blog (she seemed pretty shrewed and I trusted her taste). One of the links was Threadbared and I highly recommend it; I don't think I've laughed so much in ages.

Specstacular or speculiar?

People can be afflicted with all sorts of disabilities or impairments, some of which can bring about severe handicap. A common affliction is poor vision, and people can be either long- or shortsighted to varying degrees of impairment. This can require correction through wearing glasses, contact lenses or even surgery.

I love long-sighted people; they really make me laugh. Not only do they have to hold pieces of paper at arms' length to read, which is hilarious in itself, they also look fucking ridiculous in specs:

What's even better is when you get somebody who REALLY longsighted in one eye, but quite normal in the other - especially if they have a squint in their bad eye too. This isn't much fun if you're being interviewed for a job by somebody with this appearance because a) you don't know which eye to look at, and b) it's hard to contain your laughter.

This may seem a bit cruel and it is indeed completely unacceptable to take the piss out of people because of their disabilities. To even things up, take a look here.

Being visually impaired myself, I know only too well that the choosing the right pair of glasses is serious business. Potentially, your specs are the only item that you wear every single day of your life, so they have to be up to the task. After years of suffering from rubbish glasses, I finally got a pair that I liked and have stuck with for the past 5 years. Something nice and subtle that suits the (changing) shape of my face, hair colour, complexion - that's what's called for. What I really cannot stand is when people make a feature of their glasses, especially if they're famous. Here are two people I'd gladly slap:

Given all that fame and wealth, why would anybody choose glasses like these? Wearing specs that were traditionally piss-take fodder says something about the wearer. It says, "Look at me, I'm being ironic, yet challenging stereotypes because I'm wearing specs that you'd laugh at on a normal person, but I'm using my fame and wealth to show that I don't care". No, and I don't care for your music, Jarvis, or your broadcasting abilities, Chris. You're both a pair of cocks.

WHY?

Another thing that makes you question Why, oh why do they do it? is the use of photochromatic lenses in specs.

But it's not even sunny!

Reactolite, transitions, reactions, whatever you want to call them, they're a bit daft. Theoretically, these are a good idea: they go dark when it's sunny and it saves the wearer switching to their prescription sunglasses. However, they also go dark when the wearer is sat next to a window, if their computer screen is a bit too bright and on days when "normal people" wouldn't even consider wearing sunglasses, rendering the user ridiculed by people who fall about laughing at their inappropriate use of shades. This used to be particularly funny when these lenses first became available because it used to take about half an hour before they'd go clear again.

Oh what fun we had, laughing at our collegemates.

An edit for Coldsore