In the dock: April pissoff

All rise in court to hear the case of the Crown against April pissoff for the brutal murder of her fucktard nemesis "Scott", aka Fuckwit.

April pissoff:
She confesses to being fed up and a woman, but what else?

The charges were brought against April (above) after the body of Fuckwit was found in the kitchen of her house, an undisclosed address in British Columbia (that's in Canada, where they have bears and snow and fish and things).

Arresting officers of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police took a statement in which the accused said: "I thought he was a seal pup, so I clubbed him to death". She then changed her story after being overheard saying "...he's too fucking ugly to even resemble a seal pup. I could however club him to death and claim I thought it was a distressed beached whale".

When questionned by defence lawyers, April's account of the events leading up to Fuckwit's death became clearer: "I thought my house was being broken into by a whale so I clubbed it to death. I did wonder why its screams sounded like pleas for help, but I was too scared for the safety of my cats, and the children were asleep in their beds too".

The defence drew upon some compelling evidence to help April's cause.

Exhibit A: Fuckwit as a child

Fucktard

April also pleaded that she had suffered years of abuse from her nemesis: "Three fucking minutes. That's a waste of my fucking time. Everybody always laughed when I told them that my daughter was the result of my Nemisis three minutes of fame. Fucking pathetic tosser".

When questionned about whether her nemesis was any good around the house, April answered succinctly:

C - Can't
U - Use
N - New
T - Technology

She went on to describe him as a "Fucking, lame-ass fuck", and continued her convincing performance by stating that, "I swear I should have done him in right after I had the baby and blamed it on postpartum".

On hearing April's statement, and on seeing the evidence put forward in her defence, Judge Cakesniffer stepped in to dismiss all charges against the accused.

The coroner's verdict was changed to "mercy killing".

CASE DISMISSED.