In the dock: Combat pants

This is the first in a new series of posts about "everyday" things that are cause for heated debate throughout the world.

Today, I'm tackling the thorny issue of combat pants.

Before continuing, I'll just cover the UK/US differences in terminology. I'm not sure what the etiquette is over that way, but in the UK, we call long-legged garments, "trousers" and underwear is generally called "pants" or "knickers" or "briefs" - that kind of affair. That's the rule unless you live in the North West of England where "trousers" are often called "pants". No idea why there's the difference here, but there is.

"Pants" is also used as an adjective for something that's a bit crap. So if you hear or read: "That's totally pants", it means that whoever said/wrote it didn't think much of something.

What I mean by combat pants are the new fashion diversion from the army surplus design. They come in all sorts of colours and fabrics, but commonly in khaki, beige or brown - in sort of cottons and shit like that. Another fashion idea is to tart them up with embroidery, suquins and things.

OK the charges brought against combat pants are as follows:

1. You can only wear them if you're under 35
2. You can only wear them if you're less than a size 14 (fuck knows what that is in foreign, you'll just have to work it out for yourselves - let's just say, size 14 is getting on the tubby side of the scales)
3. You can only wear them if you're tall
4. OR you can wear them if you're a shortarse, but can get hold of the right length
5. You can never wear them with high heels under any circumstances (but the type of lasses who usually wear combat pants don't tend to wear high heels anyway)

There are probably lots of other charges to be brought against combat pants, but I can't be arsed to think of any.

EVIDENCE

Exhibit A: 34 year old, 5'4" Cakesniffer in combat pants from TKMaxx

Combat pant fashion models required:

Shortarsed bloaters need not apply

However disappointed I am with combat pants, my Cargo pants more than make up for it.

Jumping for joy in sturdy, correct-length cargos

With the confidence to try anything - even dangerous things

Closing remarks from Judge Cakesniffer
Are combat pants and their derivatives simply the shell suit of the.... errrm what's the terminology for the noughts?... for the 2000s? You are the judge and jury on this one. Let the waiting world know your verdict.