They vary in size, shape, colour, flowering and there's an abundance of flora to suit any householder's requirements.
Why, oh why, oh why then, are we inflicted with this sorry shower of shit?
I'm going to indulge in a blogtastic game of Houseplant Big Brother whereby our contestants face a public vote for eviction from the house. Slightly different to the TV version, you cakesniffers can suggest an interesting fate for whichever useless piece of green (or varigated) shit gets kicked off.
Let's have a look at the contestants.
Housemate 1: Some furry-leafed, semi-suculant, boring crap thing that sometimes flowers. It might be a violet of some kind, but who gives a flying fuck? It looks dreadful.
Housemate 2: Not strictly a houseplant, but indoors is the only place you'll get good old Basil to grow in the UK. Hardly a hardy perennial, this guy goes mad in the sunshine then drops dead as soon as we get to October. Pathetic.
Housemate 3: This is interesting. This is a photo of a Spider plant that I got from Google images. If spider plants looked like this in real life, then I might be willing to forgive them, but they don't do they? To see what spider plants look like in real life, see Housemates 5 and 11.
Housemate 4: Oh goody, the Peace lilly! This specimen had one flower on it when I bought it 4 years ago. It's had one more since. Truly the ugliest, most unreliable waste of space, light and water anybody could imagine. BIN IT!
Housemates 5 & 11: I can't bear the thought of revisiting the Spider plant again, so I'll do these pathetically shit examples together. Whereas Housemate 3 showed us what a spider plant could aspire to (no doubt after taking anabolic steroids), this sorry pair show us the grim reality of spider plant world. They just can't be arsed, can they? In fact they're so unattractive that they have to resort to asexual reproduction. So not only are they fucking gross, they're in-bred with it!
Housemate 6: Aahh, the good old Weeping fig, which has the potential to be a very impressive bit of greenery. Get yourself a weeping fig, put it in a nice big pot with lots of lovely compost, find a nice bright spot in the room and NEVER MOVE IT EVER AGAIN! They just cannot cope with being moved, these things. Shift them from their favourite positions by just a tad and all their leaves fall off. I'm rather fond of my weeping fig - we shared some pretty grim times when we were in Sheffield together, but it almost died when it moved to Manchester with me. Nice plant, but surprisingly crap.
Housemate 7: This is just some sort of boring old parlour palm that never really does anything. It's not particularly attractive or impressive and it has the propensity to fall over when it gets too tall for its pot. Boring.
Housemate 8: Oh look, a Peace lilly that's decided to flower. Well done, have yourself a drop of Baby Bio and take a rest, you must be tired after all that fucking hard work! Pile of shit. I wouldn't mind, but you wait YEARS for it to finally flower and the flowers themselves are the ugliest fucking things you've ever seen. Crap, crap, crap!
Housemate 9: Some other variety of palm that looks particularly good when it's had all its leaves chewed to bits by a neurotic ginger tom.
Housemate 10: Don't know what this is, it's just brown and spikey.
Housemate 12: Don't know what this is; it's just green and spikey.
So there you have our contestants. Leave your vote and any interesting houseplant anecdotes with me and I'll compile a top ten of eviction preferences.
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