The strange noises we hear, the weird happenings we attribute to "The Others" are actually occurrences caused by the every day lives of living folk who've moved into our homes.
Or it could be the neighbours being inconsiderate, noisy cunts again.
For the past three days, large parts of Britain have been seeing a lot of this:
No, not trees, fog.
I don't mind the fog; from being a child, it has always held an eerie mystery for me - particularly the way in that, when I was very young, a bad fog would be guaranteed to give you really black bogies because of all the soot and other airborne pollution back then.
Driving through the stuff isn't much fun, but it's generally OK so long as you follow simple rules - put your lights on, keep your distance and don't speed. Put your lights on. Simple enough really, but you tend to find that drivers, of silver and grey cars in particular, seem oblivious to the fact that you can't seem them in poor weather unless they have theirs on. Stupid cocks.
Put your lights on. I don't know why I did it, but having found them useful the other night, I decided to put my front fog lamps on for the journey home this evening. Now, these are the least-used lights on the car, so why is it that one of them only works for 14 minutes before the bulb goes? Fucking annoying piece of shit!
It was such a friggin' palaver replacing that same bulb less than a year ago. First off I had to pick the right one from Halfords, then Trillion's feller didn't half get a cold bum taking the exisitng one out before realising the the guide had been mistaken and I'd bought the wrong one. Such a mither for him to go to Halfords to exchange the bloody thing and then for him to crawl about under the bloody car to replace it. I was worn out watching him.
And now the fucking thing's gone again. It put me in such a bad mood driving home because I could just sense all the friggin "Look at me, with two functional fog lights" bastards looking at my filthy, handicapped car and gloating to themselves.
Thawing, defrosting, deicing
It may seem hard to believe, but some things get right on my tits. I'm no expert in English, but I get by and I know that you:
- Thaw a frozen biological sample
- Defrost a frozen chicken
- Deice the car
Wonder if radio and TV stations' media people and legal teams check the web to see what's being written about them? I fucking hope so! They can go back to bloody Darren Proctor and tell him what a nob he's being.
"This hardware will work faster through a USB 2 port"
I'm sure it will, but I haven't got one, so this'll have to do.
Windows XP is a bit clever. When you first set it up, it scans your hardware for all your PC's components, then registers that component profile with Microsoft. What on earth for? Well, it's so that copy of Win XP can only be used with the one computer. The consequence of this is, that after 5 component changes, it won't recognise further additions to the system since it sees the whole thing as a new computer.
Fucking bastards.
So yes, my camera may well download and work a lot faster through a USB 2 connection, but if you think I'm losing one of my 5 fucking lives over it, you can go ninnies.
Meatball marinara
What the hell is a marinara sauce? My limited Italian tells me it should be something seafoody or fishy, but that would be pretty disgusting with meatballs. Somebody please explain.
Actually, I don't really give a shit. My mum (72 today!) makes the best meatballs on the planet so you can keep your fishy crap on your Subway because I don't want to know.
I think that'll do for now.
And yes Rowan, I love to feed the ducks.
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