Consumer champion in shock defeat!

John Lewis is fucking shit.

I don't care what people say about it being "Ever such a nice store, with some lovely things", it is overpriced and its staff know fuck all about customer service.

Yes, I've been Christmas shopping. No, it wasn't successful. And no, I didn't even get to try on any shoes; one of my main priorities for going shopping.

My sister wanted some leather gloves, that's all she wants for Christmas. I thought I'd give John Lewis (just to reiterate: a shit, overpriced department store) a go, what with it being recommended so many times by people who I usually trust. And there they were: a good selection of ladies' gloves in the "Hats and gloves" section. I picked a pair, checked the specification with my sister, and took myself to the unmanned Hats and gloves till.... nobody serving. There were two lasses on perfumes, and a little man busying himself around the nearby watches till, but nobody was interested in gloves or hats.

An assistant approached me and, after asking if I'd like some help, I told him that I wanted to pay for the gloves. He told me that the man on the watches counter would be able to do that for me. I took the gloves to the watches counter and the man took the gloves from me, took them to the cash desk and proceeded to put them... in a paper bag. A paper fucking bag. He brought them over, "Thirty pounds, please".

Deep breaths

"Do they not come in a box, wrapped? They're a gift.. surprisingly" He looked at me blankly, then like Les from Vic Reeves big night out, acted as if he was looking for a glove box under the till at the watch counter.

"No, there's no box"

"Well, if was to bring you an expensive hat from the Hats and gloves section, would you put that in a paper bag? Do your watches just get put into a paper bag? Perhaps there's a box over in the Hats and gloves section?". He wandered over and returned with a standard gift bag, placed the gloves in. No tissue paper, nothing.

I am still fucking furious.

You go to Selfridges and they go out of their way to giftwrap things and always ask if things are being bought as a gift. John Lewis? No, they're completely shit and they'll be getting an e-mail. For fuck's sake, even Debenhams have gloves already boxed!

John Lewis have an interesting motto: We will never knowingly charge more. But this means they don't actually bother doing price checks against other retailers and it's up to the customer to haggle. What sort of way of operating is that?

It's a completely shit way, that's what.

This episode happened after I'd been astounded by the Estee Lauder girl at Boots. I think she'd worn herself out putting all that fucking slap on her face.

"What other things come in the Pleasures range?"

"Well," roll of overly made-up eyes, "there's, errm something and something else". She did mention a couple of things, but I wasn't even listening because I could tell there'd be no point.

"I'll just go and look, shall I?"

"Yeah, that's for the best. Thanks for buying from Estee Lauder".

No need to thank me, thank my mother for wanting this. I actually think I've bought the wrong shitting thing after all.

So that was essentially my Christmas shopping: Costco, plus two other shops in a 5 hour adventure.


Not-so secret Santa's revenge
Last week, I pulled the name of my Secret Santa victim out of the hat. Our Secret Santa isn't secret and each recipient knows who's buying for them. Despite asking my "I'm so easy to buy for" victim to jot down some ideas so I could find something, I still hadn't got any ideas from her. In an inspired moment of vindictiveness, I bought her something that ANYBODY would be thrilled with: Rudolph Buckaroo. How good is that? It should cheer up any dull Christmas Day, I reckon.


Can I have my codeine now?