Think! Don't phone and drive

Think! Don't drive and drive.

Think! Don't drive tired, take a break at the services that just happen to be a mile away and who'll charge you a fiver for a can of pop.

Think! Don't let somebody wank you off while you're doing 90 in the fast lane (but it's ok if you pull over into hard shoulder).

I'm referring to motorway information signs that we have over here. They can flash up a variety of messages that warn drivers of trouble ahead or, in other circumstances, they'll just given general road safety messages to attack the conscience of the wayward motorist. Unfortunately, they just cause people to slam on the brakes as drivers automatically think that there's been an accident up ahead when they see them flashing from a distance. They're all linked up to a big computer and you can track what each one is saying on the Highways Agency website. I'm not joking - some sad fucker actually thought this was a good idea. I'm sure they'll go far... in the NHS.

Blah..... Anyway, another useless waste of money from The Ministry for Speaking the Blindingly Fucking Obvious.

Certain things are supposed to be absolutely unacceptable whilst driving: drinking is the main one. Over recent years however, the great British public has got itself whipped up into a right old lather over people using mobile phones while driving. I've known of people get so angry at seeing other motorists on the phone that they've lost concentration and crashed their own cars.

Britain really is great.

So, and we finally get to the point of this post, we're either supposed to use a hands-free system of some sort or not use the phone at all while in charge of the car. Fair enough.

My mobile came with a bluetooth earpiece and a little cradle that holds the phone in the car. I was thrilled. However, bluetooth headsets are fucking rubbish. Here is the procedure for using your bluetooth headset for making a call while driving:

1. Get to your car
2. Place phone in cradle, ensuring that bluetooth is activated
3. Retrieve bluetooth earpiece from ashtray of car
4. Press and hold "on" button for 5-10 seconds to turn it on
5. Press the "on" button again to connect to phone: "Connected: crap earpiece" Success!
6. Place earpiece back in ashtray and commence journey
7. Get on motorway and get bored very quickly: decide to see if Trillion has left work and if she fancies a chat on her way home
8. Retrieve crap earpiece from ashtray and balance over ear and slightly in the ear
9. Press "on" button to activate voice dialling
10. "Speak now"
11. "Trillion"
12. Nothing
13. "Trillion"
14. Nothing
15. Press "on" button to end call
16. Press "on" button try again
17. Phone dies
18. Press and hold phone "on" button to turn phone off
19. Press and hold phone "on" button to turn phone on
20. Enter pin
21. ****
22. "Welcome to Orange"
23. Emergency brake to avoid stationary traffic ahead
24. Repeat step 5: "Connected: crap earpiece"
25. Activate voice dialling AGAIN: "Speak now"
26. "Trillion"
27. "Found: Trillion, Dialling: Trillion"
28. "Tum-te-tum... Come on, answer!"
29. "Welcome to Orange answerphone. The person you are calling is not available. Please leave your message after the tone. If you wish to re-record your message, press 1 at any time"
30. Hang up, disconnect crap earpiece and return it to the ashtray
31. Phone rings