Politically correct, foul-mouthed insults

When I was a kid, well admittedly even now, my favourite insults to hurl at people generally resort to likening the recipient to a person with some sort of disability. The favourites being:

• Spastic / spaz / spack / spacker / Joey (Deakin, the Blue Peter in-house spastic)
• Mong / mongoloid / mongo
• Windowlicker
• Dur-brain

You get the message.

There was an incident a few years ago when I was doing my PhD and some twat of a security guard had locked one of the lab doors so I couldn't get access to a particular room when I was working at night. I found the woman and, after a bit of a rant in which she didn't bother listening to my request to have the door unlocked, I stormed back the lab, and wrote a note with the wording "Do not lock this door, you spastic" to stick on the offending door.

Let's just say I got a telling off. It was quite amusing to see a photocopy of the note attached to the security guard's transcript of our coming together. Cunt.

Anyway, I've learned my lesson now and I never write down insults, and I never tell people who might get me into trouble that they're "spastics".

Political correctness gone mad! I hear the populus cry.

Well, I think we've been forced into resurrecting some fantastic Olde Englishe expletives because of this. It's because of this that I'm now fully justified in using:

• Twat
• Cunt
• Nob'ead
• Dickhead
• Fucker
• Fuckin', fuckin', fuckin', FUCKIN', TOSSPOT FUCKING TWAT!
• Shithead
• Tosser
• Wanker
• (Shit off you) Shitting shitter

I can say any of those without the slightest bit of concern whatsoever.

Ahhhh, my blood pressure just dropped by a few millimetres of mercury for getting those out of my system. It's just a shame that women have to degrade themselves by using foul language.