Mary, Mary quite contrary...

How does your garden grow?

"Well, not very well since I put that complete spack Tina in charge - she's killed all my plants!"

Gardening
The simple Euphorbia has a lot to answer for. A few years ago, some friends gave me a sample to put in the garden after I'd asked what was good for areas where there's not much sunlight; I was given some euphorbia cuttings.

I started digging up some of the border and weeding and stuf, to clear space for the new arrivals. That was about5 years ago and I feel as if I've not stopped weeding yet.

I was out in the garden today; cleared a load of weeds and lots of grass that grows in the borders from the lawn roots that grown under there. It was extremely warm and was glad when I finally gave up after three hours in the full heat of the day.

But then I had to do it. I had to ruin all my hard work for the day. There's this plant thing that is quite effective, but has slightly taken over where it lives. So I decided to split it and put a portion in the border that I'd just cleared. I don't think it liked having its root system hacked with a spade: neither of the two halves look particularly happy. Dead in fact:

So yes, that's what I did today - broke my garden.


Ill-heath and the gardening Cakesniffer
Don't believe what anybody tells you about gardening being good for your health, it's a load of crap being spouted by the Church of the Seventh Day Titchmarshes.

First off, it makes you nervous wreck because you're always concerned about being attacked by stinging insects and evil spiders or sucked to death by fucking slugs. Some of the things you find in the soil and beneath rocks would make you sick - straight out from a science fiction horror film. As a result, I have to wear a full biological warfare suit when in the garden, just in case one of these bastards touches me and infects me with its 0/6/8/100 leggedness.

Eeeeewwww!

I always get sunburnt when I garden. It can start off a nice cloudy day, then the next thing you know is you've lifted your head 3 hours laters, only to find that you can't because the sun's come out and you've burnt the back of your neck to a crisp. I've also burnt my arse crack and my forearms, but not my hands because I always wear gloves. It's a winning look: bright red arms and white hands!

Fainting. I always lose track of time and forget to eat until it's too late: I'll stand up from a kneeling position and, after overcoming the pain in my neck and ears from the sunburn, I'll feel faint and have to drop to my knees again. It's quite difficult to stand when you've got all over body shakes and trying to get a signal into the house for somebody to bring emergency pastry supplies is almost impossible.

Immobility. I won't be able to walk tomorrow and my shoulders will have stiffened up too.

So take it from me, gardening is rubbish.

For more images of my garden, please feel free to visit my Webshots gallery.