Things you should like, but just can't bring yourself to

There are loads of things that are supposed to be nice or good for you, or so "the mysterious they" tell us. Just who are "they"? Whoever they are, "They're" responsibile for telling all sorts to the masses.

Anyway, enough of that. People, real people, tell us that certain things are nice and you should try them, but there are certain things that I won't touch with a bargepole. Here are some of them, starting with foods.


Will not try under any circumstances:

• Cottage cheese: No fucking way; it looks like puke. Next!
• Swede, turnips: What the fuck? You trying to kill me with your root vegetables? NO WAY!! Next!!!
• Muller rice: Absolutely not, no way, not under any circumstances.
• Tinned spaghetti/spaghetti hoops: Hoops! Need I say more?
• Bread sauce: Y'what? I'd never even heard of this pig-swill till a couple of Christmases ago, then I saw some!
• Pringles: All that crunching in the ads and that stupid moustached man on the packaging has put me off.

Have tried, donlikit, don't want ever again:

• Cooked carrots: Love 'em raw; they turn into evil nasty things when cooked. Next!
• Polenta: Yeeeeuuuchhh. Not nice as a slop, been put off other ways of preparation.
• Tea: Fucking disgusting; the smell makes me want to be sick.
• Lychees: Bell ends that taste like Parma violets. Nasty.
• Cranberries: Come on! You lot who claim to like these little sour bastards are having a laugh aren't you?
• White cabbage: What's the point of this stuff?
• Salad cream: What on earth is this crap? Doesn't even need commenting on. Mayonnaise isn't much better.
• Coca Cola: Vile.

Things that I'm quite fussy about:

• Peas in things: Lovely on their own, but don't put them in my bloody curry!
• Mashed potatoes running into my gravy: Better keep it safe and not have any sauce on the same plate as my mash. Shepherds pie can be quite traumatic.
• Things mixed in things: Back to the pea scenario here. Keep stuff separate on my plate or there'll be trouble.
• Mashed up stuff: Don't mush my food up. Go ahead and put tuna in my pasta sauce, but keep it chunky; let it go flaky and you've ruined the entire meal because I will not eat it!
• Cream sauces on pasta: Don't be ridiculous.
• Drinks must come in cans (or glass): Don't bother buying a 2L saver bottle of Pepsi Max because you're wasting your money. Drinks do not taste the same out of plastic bottles. The only exception is fizzy water.
• Lack of salt: You DO need a bit of salt to bring out the flavour of food. I admit I eat far too much salt, but don't give me your "no salt is better" crap because you're just cooking something that won't taste of anything. And Lo Salt tastes of potassium, it also burns your mouth, it's horrible.
• Cucumber: Take the skin off!
• Bread: Don't butter it if you're making me a sarnie (unless it's a chip butty, then you need to put plenty on).
• Crisp packets: Red/dark blue = ready salted; pale blue = salt & vinegar; green/yellow = cheese & onion. Not difficult, but Walkers had to fuck it up for everyone.