Carwash

Why do people with clean cars go to the carwash? I had to queue for ages at Topwash this morning and about four cars ahead of me in the queue were already clean. People just like to waste their cash. Not me though, £15 spent on something that I could do myself isn't a waste of money at all!

Anyway, the car looked Ok for about 10 minutes until the bastard cats that live outside decided to wander all over it with their muddy little paws. Shitheads.


I need a volunteer to act as a subject in a photography experiment that I'm planning. I want to try to capture the moment when blackhead goo bursts through the skin's surface when it's squeezed. If I'm successful, you'll see it here first.


You can tell that you've got scumbags for neighbours when the people next door fulfil the following criteria.

• They're really noisy without consideration of time/people's sensitivities/sense of shame.
• They leave their washing out for days on end in all sorts of weather.
• They don't work, claim incapacity benefit, but have nothing wrong with them.
• They're constantly in and out of each other's houses, comparing their latest social services-sponsored home improvement (usually a £70,000+ extension).
• You can never smell cooking coming from the premises.
• They have lots of primary-coloured ornaments in their garden and those horrible butterflies adorning the outside of the house.
• The man wears a vest all year round, no matter what the weather, and his jeans don't fit properly.
• They're as thick as pigshit.

I love the summer and I can't wait for it to arrive, but there are some things that I really cannot cope with. These things include:

• People's armpits (or anything above the elbow for certain people who should look in the mirror before leaving the house);
• People's feet, particularly heel skin and horrible toenails;
• People whinging that "I like it hot, but not this hot" and "I'm sweating cobs";
• My neighbours sitting out all the time and being intimidating, irritating and very very common;
• People feeling compelled to listen to their music at full blast (what's all that about??);
• Having to do the gardening and getting my arms sunburnt while keeping my hands protected with gardening gloves (it's a great look, everyone should try it);
• Waiting for summer from May onwards and it not arriving.

However, I love it when people get themselves completely frazzled by the sun. It's especially good with the Umpa Lumpa women who have very, very red shoulders with very, very, very white bra strap marks. Ha!