Consumer champion

The time has come to give due recognition to customer services staff around the UK - and perhaps globally. But what a dreary existence they must have. I have a new quest to brighten up the country's customer services departments by setting challenging tasks and submitting exciting queries that they are duty-bound to try to help me with!

My first task has been to e-mail Greggs the bakers to ask why their ring doughnuts come with an iced sugar coating, rather than a traditional granulated sugar coating. Their jam doughnuts are coated with granulated sugar and their split cream doughnuts are too. The thing is, they have to respond because that's what customer services departments do! It's fantastic.

Next on my list is GE Capital Bank to ask why they're such a bunch of cocks and whether going on their training would give me a valid excuse to be a complete twat to the people I deal with at work. I'd still prefer the Beatrix Kiddo approach, but I'm not feeling quite right for a yellow jump suit just at the moment: I'm still trying to shift the Boxing Day running buffet from my arse and midriff.

I need to do a shop at Tesco before I can compile a list of things to enquire about with them, but I can assure you that the availability of hot chilli peanuts and Frizz Eaze Curl Controller will be high on my list! Of course, they'll come back with that old nutmeg that it's something to do with Government quotas set by Tony Bluuhhhr and Gordon "Gasps like a goldfish" Brown. Or is it a chestnut? I might also suggest that they (Tesco) introduce a scheme of capital punishment for those who leave their trolleys in parking bays; these are probably the same people who park across two bays in their massive people carriers and Mercedes. Perhaps, therefore, Tesco could save a few lives by refusing entry to the car park for anybody in a people carrier or Mercedes. I also think the Beatrix Kiddo approach would be highly appropriate here.

And Image Venue obviously need a word because they've been pissing about with their server for long enough and my pictures are still appearing as thumbnail clickies or red crosses! We are assured that normal service will be resumed.

Of course, if I'm extra complimentary, I may even get some freebies: "Dear Canon UK, I was so impressed with my Canon Powershot A70 that I've told everybody I know how brilliant your products are and I've recommended that anybody looking for a digicam should have a peruse at the Powershot range. Please can I have a free upgrade?"