Chased by the Shit Monster

A strange thing happens to our feline friends every now and again: their tails straighten; ears go back; eyes widen; then they go for it - running around as if possessed by the Devil himself, making that strange kitten purr/miaow, running up and down trees. The untrained human eye just thinks the little beast has gone mad, but look carefully and you'll see that Tiddles is actually being pursued by the Shit Monster!


This is the beast that hides down dark holes until the time is right to spring terror on any poor, unsuspecting moggy. Shit Monster will not let a cat out of its sight and will continue the chase until the terrified pussy frantically digs a hole as if ready to bury itself, proceeding to perform a full bowel evacuation - thereby exorcising its demonic stalker in a flash!


Feeling rubbish
I'm fed up of feeling rubbish. There's nothing specific wrong, but a few niggly aches, constant tiredness, less than clear sinuses and an underlying feeling of unsettled and bloated in my insides.


Cars that I hate
Can't stand Rovers, don't like Mercedeses, hate all people carriers and Vauxhalls are generally pretty crap too. I don't know what it is about the cars mentioned in this list, it's just that when I come across one on my travels, I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and my inner eye screams out a warning that I'm in the vicinity of a complete nob or some doddery twat that can't drive (or both).

There's a certain category of driver, whom I call Girl Driver. These are young women who drive very aggressively - always too fast and too close with little attention to what else is going on on the road. You can usually find them in something like a Vauxhall Corsa, Citroen Saxo or Peugeot 206, usually about 2" off your back bumper, smoking a fag, on the phone, with a pathetic nobhead of a boyfriend wearing a "Burberry" baseball cap, sat in the passenger seat. Stupid little shits need a really hard kick up the bum with an open-toed sandal.

There's also another type of driver called Woman Driver. Anybody, male or female, can be a woman driver and Woman Driver tends to be the best type of motorist, although they can be a bit overcautious and crap at directions at times. Still, better off getting there a bit later than not at all!

Another thing I've noticed is a propensity for really shit cars to have customised "GB" number plates. What for? These deathtrap piles of junk wouldn't make it all the way round the M60 without conking out, so what's the chance of them ever being driven abroad?


Ring doughnuts round III
I learnt today that some people have only ever had ring doughnuts with an iced sugar coating. It saddens me, the deprivation that some of our children suffer when the rest of us live in a world of such riches.

That'll do for today