Dreamland

People have different ideas as to what happens on their deaths. Many of these notions are based on religious beliefs and involve ascendency of spirits into heavens or other such-like afterworlds.

Personally, I think that the location of any spirit means nothing unless the memory of the deceased continues in the hearts and minds of the ones they left behind. This is quite important because it means that we atheists should really behave ourselves so that people know and remember us for being decent, rather than notorious.

Of course, one way to leave your mark is to have a FANTASTIC FUNERAL.
Recent events have meant that I've been thinking about my immortality. This doesn't bother me, I don't mind the idea of dying and I'm comfortable with it. Nonetheless, you really want to ensure that you have a great send off and I've been thinking about what I'd like for my funeral.


Horsey Hearse
As much as I hate these things - they're usually chosen for "precious angel" and gangster funerals - for dramatic effect, it'd HAVE to be a horse-drawn hearse for me.



An ebony coffin, draped in spiderplants and other Housemate Big Brother plants inside. A floral tribute to "Sniff" accompanies the casket.

The coffin is lifted from the hearse and carried slowly past the tranquil fountain and to the front of the chapel by, oh whoever can take the burden of responsibility for such a precious load.


The gruesome gathering
The mourners would have to be the entire cast of Dynasty and the Colbies.



Guest of honour would of course be Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan, who'd enter the chapel after all the others had taken their seats, her entrance silencing the vicar and turning heads of the weepy gathering who stare in wonder at the mysterious, veiled late arrival. At the front of the chapel she stops, turns to the distinguished, greying man. "Hello Blake".


"If I am [a bitch], take a lesson from me, you may need it in life."

Gasps from the pews; shocked and appalled at the audacity of the woman, the mourners mutter to each other. The odd distraught wail is thrown from that back, sniffs and nose-blows punctuate the silence. Krystal is really fucked off by being upstaged and seethes to herself.


The burial
No real mourners would be allowed, apart from the one person who loved me most; but there'd be a contractual arrangement that forces them to throw themselves onto my coffin after it's been lowered into the ground. They'd scream and cry that their lives couldn't go on without me. They'd be paid handsomly for this.


The scrap
Alexis and Krystal together and a fountain? Oh yes!


Get in there!


Music
There seems to be a trend for people to play music as the curtains close over a soon-to-be-blasted coffin, or as the casket is taken from the church to the place of burial. But what song would be most appropriate for the funeral of this Cakesniffer?

It'd have to be something that sends the congrgation into unconsolable floods of tears. I don't want anything that's been overdone, so no "I will always love you" or "Angels" for me! One of my friends already beat me to Beverly Craven's "Promise me", so I need to think of something good enough to upstage that.

Any suggestions from anybody out there?