Collateral damage

It's very dangerous, living with wild animals. Last night, I was the innocent victim of crossfire in an unprovoked attack on Sonny by stupid fucker Otto.

Sonny (fucktard Otto looks on from the photo)

I have this policy of not removing my shoes until the very last minute before going to bed, but unfortunately, this was the precise time that the little one-eyed dickhead decided to pounce, using my unprotected toes as his springboard.

Almost lost it

It REALLY hurt. In the minutes that followed, he was called: you little fucker; you stupid little bastard; shithead; nobhead cat; fucking wanking cunting arsehole, one-eyed fucker.


Pain
There are some pains that leave you helpless as all your nocireceptors fire at once, sending the blood flowing to the affected area, setting your heart racing and your head pounding. During those moments, it feels like your brain could implode with the agony. You're left breathless by the experience.

Such pain is experienced in the following circumstances:

• Biting the inside of your mouth
• Stubbing your toe
• Bashing your freezing cold fingers against a hard object, or trapping them in a door
• Kneecapping
• Having 4kg of cat scraping his claws over your unprotected feet

A kind of blind panic accompanies this pain: you run and scream (in your head), and for some reason, holding your breath seems like a logical thing to do.

Slugs
I hate slugs. These bastards eat all the best and most expensive plants in the garden, but never touch dandelions or other weeds. Cocks.

They aren't even imaginative enough to grow a shell.

In the bad old days of heavy industry, coal fires and other such carbon-derived pollution, the slugs round here were pitch black. I remember going on a school holiday to the north Wales countryside and I remarked at the brown slugs they had there.

Curbs on the burning of fossil fuels, and the general preference for gas and electric domestic energy, has resulted in a change in our slug population. No longer are they sleak and black and interesting. No, these days they are brown and insipid, almost transparent.

Check these nastry little bastards out:

Oh look, a slug race. I can hardly contain my excitement...

...Five minutes later, I think he's gaining on her

That's right, ignore the fucking dandelion and head for the lillies - bastard!