Can'tbearsed day

Annual leave is a precious thing: you don't get much and it's painful using up annual leave if you just fancy a day off.

I'm not one for taking sickies - I don't think I've ever done it - but since I'm currently using ten days annual leave for a spot of moonlighting, I might be tempted to chuck a sickie if things are quiet and I fancy a day off to spend with a friend to go to the zoo.

But not being an expert in these things, what "24 hour thing" is best to come down with?

Bad back
This is best saved up for when you want up to a week off. Don't waste the bad back for just one day.

Something I ate
Possible, but you still have to look rough on your return to work. It might help to smell a bit too, so perhaps go without your morning shower for that nice waxy skin and hair. For best effects, it'd be best to fast on the return to work day too.

Head cold
Tricky one to pull off unless you've actually got a bit of a cold or bad hayfever, but you might as well just take a proper sick day and spend the time in bed till you feel better.

Flu
Yeah right.

Hair tumour
Well, why not?

Stephacockaliticus relapse
You have to plan ahead with this debilitating disease. First off, you have to have some "hospital appointments" to build up to a closed-door meeting with your line manager in which you burst into tears and confess to being Stephacockaliticus positive. For full effect, tighten the throat muscles and grunt, then thrust a copy of Herge Smith's Stephacockaliticus and you: don't die of mispronunciation into your manager's hands. Run from the room with your hands over your face; head for the lavs and splash face with water, while rubbing soap in your eyes. Return to your manager's office and if they mention the foaming eyes, snort and mutter "early sign... downhill from now on... sniff ... remission...". Leave it there for a couple of months, then phone in sick one day. Enjoy day at the zoo in bosom of close friend.

Semliki Forest Virus
One for the molecular biologists and biological scientsts here. See if you can get away with saying that you're infected with a simian or avian retrovirus. The ones that carry cancer genes are the best. Basically, as part of their growth cycle, certain viruses pick up bits of normal genes encoding growth factors and receptors and stuff from their hosts. When they infect another host cell, their genetic material does its stuff and produces massive amounts of mutant growth factors that start the transformation of the cells into cancer cells. Something like that anyway (we're going back 14 years into my memory here).

Tina: "Sorry, can't come in today, I've got a terrible bout of erythroblastosis virus from the poultry counter at Tesco. The doctor says I should rest up and be thankful that it wasn't Rous sarcoma virus - there's a nasty lot of it about at the moment and I'd be laid up for at least a week with that".

Boss: "That's fine, Tina. Come back when you feel better. Oh, and have a nice day at the zoo, you skiving twat".

(Could've been worse, I could've used the "I've got the Coomassie blues and I'm not feeling up to it" - good old biochemistry jokes are the best)

Any good suggestions from anybody? We wouldn't have to do this if we were allowed a couple of short-notice "can't be fucked" days. It's their own fault. Fuckers.

Of course, people with kids get time off for all sorts of bloody crap: school sports days, parent's days, mother's day (which is supposed to be a Sunday, but the fucking schools always do something the Friday before), kiddie sick day, kiddie doctor day, kiddie needs new shoes day. Bastard leeches.