Thanks! Make me look a complete twat why don't you?

I'd like to thank the road planners in Warrington for their excellent road layouts, lane markings and road signage that all contributed to me looking a complete and utter twat this evening.

All traffic from the M56 motorway heading towards Manchester was diverted because the road had been closed. After two hours of crawling in first gear, I finally made it to Warrington town centre. Through absolutely no fault of my own, I repeatedly found the lane that I was travelling in would be diverted off and that I'd have to queue jump to get back into the lane I was supposed to be in. No signs, nothing. Utter fuckers.

Why was the motorway shut? Some tosser was running from the police and ran onto the motorway where he was hit by a car and killed. Thick fuck. Can you imagine the thought processes? "Oh, I really don't want to get caught by the rozzers and face up to 3 months in prison. I'll run away from them onto the motorway and get flattened instead." Stupid twat. I feel sorry for the poor lass that hit him; she was injured in the incident and will have that awful memory with her for a very long time.

I don't understand why they had to shut the fucking road for so long. They should've either left him there to get ground into a pulp and absorbed by the tarmac, or just shut the motorway for long enough to drag the body to the verge. Why did they need to shut it for over three hours? Especially when they knew that lots of traffic would divert through Warrington and get road raged for accidentally being in the wrong lanes at roundabouts that have no signs.

During this epic adventure, I luckily had a can of pop with me for the odd sip of refreshing caffeinated goodness (while stationary, in neutral with handbrake applied of course). I may have been able to quench my thirst, but I couldn't do much to prevent loss of visual accuity due to my, now legendary, contact lens failure. But this wasn't the worst thing about the ordeal, oh no. The worst thing was the fact that I was trapped in an enclosed space while doing the most horrendous toxic farts. They're still working their way through now. It's horrible.

It's all good fun on "roads that I know and love" today. In another incident, a four foot-deep hole has appeared in the main road near Base 1. The traffic reports on the radio stated "A four foot hole has appeared and recovery personnel are currently trying to remove a taxi from it".


Stuffed
At least I could be thankful of having a hearty lunch today; my usual cup-a-soup and fruit, wouldn't have been enough to see me through the journey.

So what of my lunch? It was pretty nice and I was suitably stuffed afterwards. Thank fuck the mince pies were horrible or I'd have eaten a load of those on top of the preceeding three courses.

Why do we feel compelled to eat so much? I think a lot of it is comfort eating; this may help you understand why:

Yeeee Haaaaaa!!!!

And they were asking ME why I was dressed normally??? And yes, those reindeer antler deeley-boppers were musical too.

Still it was fun and I managed to procure an extra pig in blanket. This is a task I set myself at each of these things and I have quite a good success rate. I think people have learned that if they don't give up their little sausage, there's TROUBLE! I've not quite progressed to burning people's houses down, but I'd certainly consider it if met with resistance.