Sniffy Advent: Day, the tenth

Christmas dos and don'ts

There's a work's Christmas do coming to a close right now. A do that I could have gone to, but one that I really couldn't be bothered with. I've never really been comfortable with Christmas dos, and I'm certain that I'm not the only person on the planet who has had bad experiences of them.

In general, the work's Christmas party is an excuse to relax with your colleagues and enjoy a meal, perhaps have a few drinks and maybe even a disco, either organised as part of the do, or on a club afterwards.

Taking part in such activities is all well and good if you're amongst your friends, but the problem is that people you work with are not your friends - not all of them anyway. Worst still, there's usually somebody that you work with who you absolutely detest. On the other side of the coin, there may be somebody you work with who you fancy, but daren't approach for fear of the ridicule you'd face following a humbling public rejection. Moreso, there's always the desperate and lonely office minger who just wants a little bit of company so they don't have to spend another night alone: "Forty two in April and no bra... not bad eh?".

So faced with this unfortunate mix of people, the workers of the Western world enter the gladiatorial pit known as the Christmas party, with the boss watching over proceedings, mentally giving the thumbs up to some, while condeming others to a metaphorical beheading.

This is the first real weekend of office Christmas parties, this is where it starts to get serious. Monday will prove to be very difficult for some with knowing sniggers greeting some, apologetic e-mails others. Some may still be nursing the bruises from the scrap they had with Phil from accounts.


A long catalogue of Sniffy's Christmas don'ts
I had many embarrassing Christmas party encounters in the days when I still drank. I enjoyed myself immensely, but while the hangovers subsided after a day or so, the mortifying embarrassment lives with me to this day.

• 1988, Leeds University Union, Doubles Bar, with friends (fellow students): Triples were going for a ludicrously low price, I had my fill - and then some. I blanked out at this one and know nothing of doing the tango with my best friend. I woke up in my bed, fully dressed but covered in mud, the bowl beside me alerted me to the fact that I felt fucking dreadful. My friends told me that I had passed out in the toilets, and had to be carried home, but not without crawling on all fours for substantial distances. I was ill for two days afterwards. Never again!
• 1991, Warwick/Leamington Spa, PhD lab do (postgraduate students, PhD supervisor and his very posh family, post docs): The killer G&T did it. I was given two huge gin and tonics (about 80% gin) by my boss - on an empty stomach. I was a little bit nervous because I was around at his house with is very posh wife and very posh kids. I can't remember much, apart from mocking his kids, who had been telling "I say, I say, I say" jokes.
• 1995, Manchester, Post Doc lab do (scientists, clinicians, hangers on, technicians, PhD students) - I think I behaved myself at this one. Nobody has told me otherwise, so I must've done.
  
• 1996, Manchester, Post Doc lab do (as above in an Italian restaurant): Pissed out of my head on red wine, we all started a flaming Sambucca challenge, followed by a food fight, followed by more drinks in the pub next door, followed by... I can't remember.... waking up in bed covered in sick.
• 1997, Manchester, as above: Different restaurant - the "Jacob Marley" incident. Got very drunk, had a row with my equally drunk boss. Exchanges of "fuck off", and then it happened. My boss had actually left us, but returned to have regular updates, one of which was on the day of our Christmas do. Unfortunately, he'd really pissed me off at the meeting and, tongue loosened by a couple of litres of house red, I told him what I thought of him (or so I've been told). Despite the fact that he'd left, he kept coming back for one leaving do after another and this is where the Jacob Marley thing comes from. I said, "You're just like Jacob Marley you..." And when asked why, I said, "...because you keep coming back!"
• 1998, Manchester, as above (back at the first Italian restaurant): This was actually also a leaving do of sorts, so I got really rather drunk for a change. While I was relatively OK the following day, I couldn't fathom out why there was a huge red wine stain on the front of my cream-coloured top. A colleague kindly told me that a bearded colleague of ours, who enjoyed getting shitfaced on red wine, had approached me as I was about to leave. He said "I've really enjoyed working with you Tina, I'm really going to miss you." I am told that it was then that I grabbed his head and thrust his face into my cleavage, saying "Not as much as you're gonna miss these!"

And that was the last Christmas do at which I had a drink. Nothing like going out with a bang I suppose.

These days, things are much more sober and the Christmas "do" is now an afternoon meal. At Base 1, we leave the office at about 1pm and have meal at a nice restaurant in the city centre, after which we can either go home or stick around for a few drinks. This is OK with me because I'm not one for sticking around while people get drunk and enjoy themselves (yes, I'm jealous because I can't drink).

At Base 2a... Well, that do is so very special that I think it deserves its very own dedicated post.