And here it is, my first Christmas card of 2006. And who should it come from, but that lovely airplane-fixing, lady-loving, first generation Eurotrash-Canadian grrrly-grrrl, Connie?
My usual response to receiving Christmas cards this early is "Fucking scummers!", but since Connie sent hers all the way from Canada, I'm actually hugely thrilled to receive this one.
I do LOATHE writing Christmas cards though. It's something that I'm now restricting to people I see on a less than monthly basis. The fuckers at work can arse off, I'm not writing "..and best wishes for 2006, Tina x" loads of times when I don't even mean it. A waste of paper and ink, and, more importantly, time.
We've now got this thing whereby people are "giving to charity" instead of spending money on cards. Liars! Everyone knows that the fiver they'll save will pay for at least 2 pints (will it? no idea these days) at the Christmas do. Why can't they just be honest and say that they hate everyone at work and can't be arsed to write cards to a bunch of wankers? That's what I do.
Fuck 'em!
I don't send Christmas cards to my family members either, I've never really seen the point. I can shout my Christmas wishes at them: "I wish you'd fucking shut the fuck up once in a fucking while and let me watch what the fuck I want in peace and fucking quiet! Merry Christmas!!"
But back to the good thing about Christmas cards - you see, you get balanced debate here as one half of my psyche wrestles with the other - Christmas cards are a great way to let people who you've not seen for ages know that you're still alive and that you're still their mate (very handy in case you need a spare bed for the night should you be passing through London, Brighton, Coventry, Surrey, British Columbia...). For these reasons, and there are others too, I write Christmas cards to those people I don't get to see particularly often.
And back to the card from Connie... Awfully nice of a lass who, we all know is extremely busy with fixing aeroplanes, grinding rust, drinking fish juice (!), and loving her lovely French tickler, to spare the time to send me of all people a card, don't you think? Indeed, but not only was there a card in the package that was delivered today. No, no, no(n)! The card accompanied the latest items that have been included in the great Canadian/UK cultural exchange.
So what else was in the packet?
And in the packet, there was a bag,
Is that a fucking harpoon??
And in that bag there was a fish,
BUT wait! A bit of fuckin' delish smoked salmon to accompany That Woman's pickles (or what's left of 'em) for the Boxing Day running buffet is all very nice, but still a bit odd to send with a card. So what else was in the package that came all the way from British Columbia???? Get a load of these!
OH YES! Thank you Connie and God bless us everyone!
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