How to ruin Christmas
Short of going round to somebody's house on Christmas Day and shitting on the dinner table, one sure fire way of guaranteeing that you ruin my Christmas is to show willful neglect in the preparation of the turkey. And what I mean by this is the use of the wrong sort of bacon for coating the skin of the bird.
Mother and Father are weird creatures; they splash out on certain things and get cheapo crap for other stuff. They shop at the whole range of stores: Aldi; Lidl; Kwik Save; Netto; Morrison's;Tesco; Costco; plus local stores and markets. This is probably quite a sensible way of doing things when you think about it.
Today, they brought home the turkey, a free range beast weighing it at nearly 5kg. At a cost of £20, this is probably quite good VFM, but it's a fresh bird and you'd like to think it had a better life than some of the poor beasts that are being slaughtered at this time of year. "I used to weep in butcher's shops".
So, the turkey should be pretty decent and anyway, I don't think Mum's ever cooked one badly, but the flavour might be a bit better. Blah, blah, blah...
Having spent £20 on the turkey, you'd think they'd go out to Tesco and get a decent bit of bacon to cover the thing with before it gets confined to the oven. No. Not Mother and Father. No, they get the cheapest shite bacon they can get their hands on; something that costs about 20p/lb from Kwik Save. One year, and this is why you'd think they'd have learned their lesson, they got some cheapo shite that hadn't even been sliced. It was just some water-loaded, inch-thick, crappy bit of something that was as much use as a chocolate teapot.
I am very concerned at what I've seen in the fridge today: "Lifestyle Value Pack unsmoked rindless back bacon", 87% pork loin (and fat). That means that at least 12% of it is water.
Very concerned.
I might nip to Tesco and get some proper stuff.
A lesson in speaking Jamaican
It is impossible to say "beer can" without sounding like a Jamaican who is saying "bacon". Try it.
No comments:
Post a Comment