"Yes, love. Is it, love? Hee, hee, hee"

There's something about certain people that makes you wish they'd just go away. They are quite stupid, but they trap you in meaningless, hideously boring "conversation" about something so utterly trivial that you feel your brain shutting down as they go on.

But it's not really a conversation because you realise that they don't actually know how to form sentences. There are a few standard phrases that they pick as part of their jobs, or through encounters with other people. They may even be able to recount a tale of what happened when somebody said or did something. But in general, they can't hold a two-way conversation.

"Tea money, love!"

"I paid a fortnight's worth last week."

"Did you, love?"

"Yes, you've got the book there, why don't you check?"

"I haven't got my glasses with me, love"

Jesus.

Every response ends with "love" (luv) too.

"Yes, love."

Accompanied with the undertone of a nervous, school-girl laugh.

"Yes, love. Hee hee hee."


One of my favourite stories involves a neighbour of mine; thick as pigshit and living in a complete shithole. She has loads of cats that she lets breed. "You need to get those cats neutered."

"Yes, love, I'm getting them done, love."

She's got about ten there again after the RSPCA taking thirty away a couple of years ago.

It's encouraging to know that she's employed as a cleaner at my local hospital. Despite the state of her own home (squalor), she is apparently a very good cleaner; always extremely thorough, leaving things spotless. While cleaning the floor High Dependency Unit one day, she removed the oxygen or breathing tube from the back of a patient's ventilator so she could manoeuvre the floor buffer under the bed. The nurses were puzzled by the patient's rapid and unexplained deterioration, only noticing that the tube had been removed as the patient was about to arrest.

Having realised what had happened, the nurse spoke to the cleaner.

"Agnes, did you remove this tube from this machine while you were cleaning?"

"Errrrm, yes love, I wanted to clean around properly, love."

"Well, you shouldn't have done it."

"Is it not clean, love?"

"Oh no, it's very clean, but the patient needed that tube to help his breathing and he nearly died. You shouldn't have taken it off. Please don't touch anything while you're cleaning."

"Yes, love. Hee hee hee."

And off she pootled, buffering away, oblivous as ever.