Farts

Fart is a great word. Apart from being used to describe a "trump", or "passing wind" if you're polite, the word fart can perfectly describe a particular type of person. It dovetails nicely with "farting around" and describes fussing, or faffing without the intensity of mithering.

People who are farts are usually also "life-storiers", i.e., those who must go into every minute fucking detail of their pathetic existence and the latest bloody illness of themselves, their families and their pets - and they go on, and on and on. These people have also done everything you've ever done, only better/worse. They're usually the type of people who insist that you contribute to flowers for somebody's birthday or something shit, or they make a fuss about observing minutes' silence for every fucking memorial service that happens to make the news.

They spend their "getting ready for work time" worrying about how "hot, stuff and stifling" the office will be; so much so that the first words they utter before they even step foot over the office threshold are: "It's going to reach 75 today (always Farenheit and never centigrade) it's so hot already, I don't know how I'll cope, I need to open the window, I can't breathe, it's so stuffy already, the air's too still, I'm sweating cobs, I can't cope, I CAN'T COPE!!!". I love summer, but dread it when these women (it's only ever women) kick off as soon as the temperature gets above freezing. They come huffing and puffing into work with their horrible feet and arms/armpits exposed (they always have massive, blotchy, horrible arms). And they go on relentlessly about "Now, I like it hot, but this is too hot. It's not like the heat you get on the continent - it's dry heat there. Over here it's that muggy heat that you can't breathe. It does my asthma no good." They wear you down.

Once they've worked their way through the "it's too hot" script and calmed down, they then go on for two hours about how much work they've got to do. They talk and talk and talk, complaining how they can't manage their workload and how they know loads of people who are on long-term sick with stress because of their workloads - "They were always complaining about how much work they had on, and now look, they've had to go off with stress!"

My answer to this poor breed's plight is: lose some fucking weight, stop fucking going on and do some fucking work and then it might take your fucking mind off how shit you feel, you twat!

They make fantastic bitching fodder in the workplace though. You wonder why the NHS is so shit? It's because women like these are the filter between the members of the public and the healthcare professionals. The classic one that we all encounter is the "Doctor's receptionist bitch from hell", but they dominate the entire service - in fact, they make up the majority of the workforce throughout the public sector services. No matter how much money you throw at the NHS and other public services, you'll never make it any better until you get rid of these pathetic bitches (who insist on printing off every fucking e-mail that arrives!).

Forget the election, we're surrounded by real political drama every day in the good old workplace.