Black smoke at the Vatican

I tell you what, you’d be really pissed off if you’d booked this week to go to Rome and see all the sites, including the Sistine Chapel and stuff; those Cardinals could be in there for ages! Inconsiderate bastards. I bet they choose some hard-line Nazi who opposes women's rights, use of contraceptives and acceptance of homosexuality. Just like the last one.

More worrying is the bums on seats value of the death of PJPII in terms of an upturn in congregations in Catholic churches around the UK. Fantastic. They'll be rising up and starting a 21st century crusade or inquisition next. I'd better go into hiding.

The funny thing is, many muslims are asking for a pope who is accepting of other faiths. That's rich.

I'm still working on my plan to infiltrate the Vatican during my trip to Rome in the autumn. Looking at the guide books, it seems that most of the Vatican buildings are open to the public so you just pay you money and go in. It should be a doddle. All I need to do is find the suggestion box to drop them a note. I wonder if I could get away with hiring a comedy nun outfit (with accompanying comedy teeth and specs) to go round St Peter's in?


Potholes
Why is it that there's always a pothole or raised manhole cover, you know, some sort of uneven road surface, just at the point when you're changing through the gears when setting off from lights, turning into a road or moving out of a junction? Just enough to throw your foot off the clutch and/or accelerator and make you look like a spak driver.


Lost in translation
I'm quite aware that my blog might not be completely understandable to certain sections of the interweb community. Because if this, I'm considering translating it into two new editions: a politically correct one and an American English one. The politically correct one will be simplicity in itself - I'll just delete all my posts (and not mention things like Joey Deacon dropping his shoe from that boat on Blue Peter).

I'll be enlisting the help of an American colleague of mine to produce the Yankie Doodle Cakesniffers Beware, or "Hey, watch out muffin-smellers!" as it'll become known. Of course, the American spelling will be hard to do - how do you go from writing in a perfectly normal way to something that looks dyslexic? Retarded, stupid, lazy nobheads.