People at the gym

I could start a soap opera about this; you see all sorts down there. Today I couldn't help laughing (to myself) at a couple of older ladies who were using the machinery as I made my way to the changing room. One, who must've been in her eighties, was wearing a purple cardigan while the other was tangled up in the machinery. I'd have helped, but I was laughing too much, making that snorting noise - it would've been unkind to laugh in their faces.

Some muscle man changed the handle on the lat pull-down, but didn't swap it for the normal one after his god knows how many reps. The blokes are a pain in the arse; they use the weights machines, do their stuff, then sit there for a few minutes, contemplating. Then they set off again, do a few more reps, contemplate a bit more. And all this time, you're just waiting to get on that last bit of machinery before going home. Sometimes you get two or three in a gang and they hog the machine for an hour at a time. Arsewipes.

There was an extremely tanned, blonde woman (she wasn't born blonde) wearing a two piece: shorts and cropped top with "Baby" emblazoned on it (front of the top, backside of the shorts - tit). Baby my arse - mutton dressed as lamb. Well, complete slag, I'll wager. Anyway, she was very thin so I hated her. She had the oddest technique on the rowing machine. And her skin was ruined from sunbed abuse - Hah!!!

Then I wanted to get on the mats and do some sit-ups, but some selfish bint was layed across two rather than lying on one - the stupid bitch needed a really hard kick up the arse with an open-toed sandal. Fucker. And when I went back into the changing room to retrieve my stuff, some lazy twat had left a squeezed-to-death tube of hair styling product on the bench and another had left a used tissue on the floor. Lazy bastards want a good slap.

Sometimes when I go, there's a bloke with long hair and he wears a sleeveless vest and trackie bottoms. You can see his armpits and it's horrible. Worse still, he smells and if you're unfortunate enough to get next to him on the cross trainer and he starts really pumping it, it can cause disturbed breathing that leads to a fatal arrhythmia. I call him Stinky Cheese Man and I avoid him at all costs.

There's also an oriental man - he too has long hair in a ponytail. He wears shorts, so you can see that he's wearing normal trouser socks (either grey or brown). He looks really funny because he holds on to the top of the running machine as he runs (too fast); makes it look like he's going to lose it and fall over.

Another bloke only seems to do stretching. He wears a hat and I want to know whether he's bald.

If I was to describe myself? Jeez, strange shaped arse, bingo wings, can't run, goes very red, surely should tie hair back, sometimes farts while on treadmill or cross trainer, never showers after a session. You're DEAD RIGHT LOVE! Of course I don't shower while I'm there, I'm not some sort of attention-seeking exhibitionist! Fuck me, public nuditiy? Whatever next??