Read before opening image

E-mail distribution lists are great ways of sharing stuff that’s not too personal with a number of friends or acquaintances (past and present). Things that usually get sent round are jokes, funny photos or video clips, Powerpoint slideshows – stuff like that. The e-mails have subject headings like “Really hilarious” or “It’s for real, pass it on”.

Funny stuff is sometimes good, although it gets tiresome when you end up getting sent the same thing by every person who has you in their mailing list. And you’re expected to find it funny the eighteenth time you receive it.

However, I really cannot stand it when I get sent something that starts off:

“To The People In My Life.....

I am sending this to you to see how many actually read their email. Your response will be interesting. Pay attention to what you read. After you have finished reading it, you will know the reason it was sent to you. Here goes:

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime…”

I’m quite certain that I don’t need to continue.

Why do people send this crap out? If you were truly somebody’s friend, but circumstances meant that you didn’t see much of them, you’d send them an e-mail or even pick up the phone and you’d tell them what’d been going on, ask the same of them. Perhaps you’d arrange to meet up or something. Could you imagine if you phoned a distant friend and said:

“People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be …blah, blah, blah

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When I hang up, please phone all your friends in your address book and tell you how much you value their friendship, then get them to do the same.”

Stunned silence on the other end of the line…. Click

What an utter pile of wank. This is on a par with that fucking e-mail of the cartoon baby dancing about with Groove Armada’s “I see you baby” playing in the background. The people who send this stuff are the types who have customised stationery for Outlook html e-mail messages (you know, pictures of Ivy trailing down the side of the message window). The people who send these things never delete the previous messages so there’s usually a list of 20 badly formatted


>>>>>>Try this,
>>>>>>> it was
>>>>>>>>>really funny
>>>>>>keep scrolling
>>>>>>right to the end

e-mails before you finally get tot the joke.

The stuff in these shitty e-mails is spam; it is designed to clog up networks and waste resources. I am convinced that spam of this nature is created by international terrorists who are determined to disrupt our everyday lives in the Western World.

People who call themselves your friend, but then send you this shit deserve to die, horribly. They are in cahoots with terrorists and should be hunted down and shot. The thing is though, they have you stuck between a rock (called Dwayne) and a hard place because you daren’t block them because of the funny things they also send you. BASTARDS!