Having spent 4 days in close proximity with her while in Rome, I really did want to give my sister Anna a good slapping at times. I shall document some of those occasions now and let Blogland judge whether should have given in to my instincts and killed her.
One: Delving into my private life
Within a couple of hours of getting to Rome, we found ourselves in Piazza Navona, sat down at a nice restaurant. Before the starters had arrived, she asked "Have you seen much of Denise recently?"
Me: "No, I've not had much time to see anybody recently, but we've sent the odd e-mail"
Anna: "So she's not tried to turn you gay then?"
Me: "No" (which she hasn't)
Why is it any of her business? I don't mither her about shit, so why does she feel the need to pry into my private life and ask me questions in such an accusatory manner?
Bitch.
Two: Point and shoot
Wanting to ensure that I had some decent photos of my trip, I tried to take time to compose shots properly. At night, with long exposure times, it took a little longer to take pictures. She, brashness and intolerence fuelled by half a litre of red wine, started having a go at me and my new fancy camera (she'd taken my old one with her).
Anna: "That camera's crap, you should've stuck with this one. Look, all you do is point and shoot and you've got your picture. Point. Shoot. Picture."
Me: "Just shut the fuck up and let me take this photo, cunt"
Anna: "Point, shoot"
Me: "SHUTTHEFUCKUP!!! BITCHING CUNTFACE!!"
Anna: "Point, shoot. Point, shoot"
Of course, she was quite right. There was no difference in quality when the photographer took time to compose a shot and when they just pointed and shot.
Three: Caffe Americano
Something was wrong with the coffee in the hotel - very wrong. Espresso was delish, but capuccino and Americano coffees were dreadful, according to Anna at least. Don't know what they were up to in the kitchen, but the Americano and capuccino coffees were not derived from the same stuff as the espresso.
Did she have an espresso and get on with it? Did she cut her losses and just wait to get to the local bar for a coffee instead? No, she went on and on and on and on.
Anna: "All I want is a cup of coffee. It can't be difficult, espresso plus hot water equals Americano. Espresso plus frothed milk equals capuccino. I want a cup of coffee and I can't get started without one."
Me: "So you keep saying. Just get ready and we'll go and get a coffee from that nice bar"
Anna: "I can't get do anything in the morning without my coffee"
Me: "So hurry up and we'll go and get one"
ad infinitum
Four: Bowel habits
Changes in environments, accompanied by warm weather and a bit of dehydration can make a person a little constipated. Even I had trouble pooing while over there. She hadn't been for a couple of days and we never heard the last of it.
Anna: "I really need a shit"
Me: "Charming. Perhaps if you weren't so vulgar it'd happen"
Anna: "It's that fucking coffee in the hotel. Back home, I have my cup of coffee, bowel of cereal and voila a nice big shit before my shower. I need my coffee in the morning to have a shit"
Me: "Stop being so vile. We'll get something beany for your tea and make sure you drink plenty of water"
At the restaurant...
Anna: "Oh I hope there's something on the menu that'll make me shit"
Me: "Look, there's bean soup. Just get that and stop saying that!"
Anna: "But I need to shit, look at my tummy"
Me, thinking: Shut the fuck up before I fucking stab you with a breadstick!
Five: Looking after other people's things
My new camera cost me over £300, I love it, I want to take care of it. I'm not precious about it though, the casing can get scratched to fuck so long as everything works OK and the lens is fine. The lens is a very important part of a camera. I understandably get a little irritated when people don't watch what they're doing with their fingers and stub greasy paw prints all over the fucking thing. Not only did she manage to get fingerprints all over the lens every time she got hold of my camera, she also nearly scratched it with the spokes of an umbrellla. On saying "Will you be careful and watch what you're doing?" she had a fit and had a go at ME!
Twat.
Six: Shut up, just please shut up!
Everyone we came across, she had to talk to and tell them things as if they'd be interested. I suppose we're just different in this respect and I tend to wait to be asked rather than volunteering information - who'd be interested in somebody spouting off about stuff uninvited? I wouldn't. Tour guides, Carabinieri, other tourists, waiters, taxi drivers, they all got it.
Seven: On being a girl
She fusses like nobody I've ever known - everything is such a bloody drama. She'd say: "You look bored, do you want to go out for a walk now?"
Me: "I'm OK, I'm happy sitting and thinking, but a walk would be nice, you ready?"
Anna: "Yeah, just let me go for a wee"
I get my bum belt (fanny twat pack) and shoes on, check my pockets for money, pick up my camera. During this time, she's had her wee and is now sat on the bed putting makeup on.
Ten minutes later:
Me: "I thought you were ready to go ten minutes ago, what are you doing?"
Anna: "I'm being a GIRL, you wouldn't know what that means."
Me: "But you said you were ready and you looked fine."
Anna: "I can't go out without makeup on, you don't have a go at Trillion for slapping it on"
Me: "She rarely wears makeup, only if she's going out somehwhere special, and why are you brining her into this? You're the one who wanted to go out and said they were ready and now you're farting about with makeup when it's dark outside anyway!"
And this is the result:
So that's a taste of a few things she did to get on my tits. I'll spare you her reaction to there being no dedicated smoking area at da Vinci airport, or how she felt about Mum forgetting to bring milk when she picked us up from the airport (despite bringing her some food). But this photo is a favourite of mine - well worth E5 - I didn't half pull her hair and came very close to running her through with that sword...
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