Deadly decisions

I hate cyclists - this is something that I've never hidden. For a lot of motorists, cyclists and buses are a complete pain in the arse; they take up too much of the road, keep stopping, cyclists swerve in and out of traffic, they don't obey the rules of the road - I could go on.

Should I or shouldn't I?

Anyway, I've taken to pondering of late and I've decided to buy a bike. I've got one on order, I could be dead within a fortnight, having not ridden a bike in over 20 years. I've never ridden a bike that had gears. I have never ridden a bike on the road. This is the bike I'll be getting (I wanted a black or red one, but it only comes in blue):

Vehicle of my doom

What sort of cyclist should I be?

Lycra-clad Nazi on two-wheels
These are the ones that direct the traffic, banging on your window if you're turning left at a junction to make sure that you've seen them (they should fucking wait if they're that bothered about not being pulverised). They're the ones that organise into groups to lobby local councils. They wear all the gear, includng ridiclously tight cycling pants, day-glo high-vis vests, goggles, face masks (you never see pedestrians wearing face masks), super speedy helmet, even cycling shoes that clip into the pedals.

This sort of cyclist often rides a racing bike and the razor-like saddle clearly cuts them so hard that their sense of humour flows out. They're in so much pain that they race the traffic to get to their destination for much needed relief.

They're even worse when they travel in packs, often cycling two or three abreast while engaging in conversation about the latest in fabric technologies from Du Pont.

I'd never cut it in this gang. They seem quite wanky.


Don't know what they're doing, off and on the pavement
This is more likely to be me, but I'm not going to be causing a nuisance by riding on pavements. When finding themselves in traffic, this lot really don't know what they're doing; they run red lights, ignore junction priorities, weave in and out of traffic. This lot really piss people off. I'm quite unlikely to be in this group because I haven't a clue what I'm doing, and I don't have the "just go for it" confidence/deathwish to carry it off.


Old people on bikes with shopping baskets
This is where I want to be; pootling along serenely, fully in tune with the goings on around them yet carrying on with a delightfully confident "I've seen it all, done it all and I don't care anymore" air. They've ridden the same bike for 50 years and still use its little shopping basket to carry their groceries. It'd be nice to be able to just pootle along with the assumption that other road users will be kind enough give you a bit of space when you need it, I'm not sure that'd happen round here.


Why oh why oh why???
The reason I'm getting a bike is just to have one in should I fancy going for a ride. There's the slight problem of not being able to go for a ride without negotiating major roads, busy junctions and gangs of horrible kids who take the piss and worse. I fear I may be trapped, only being able to ride it round the avenue or perhaps down the woods. At least such activity might engender me to the local kids, or I may be accused of being a child molester for hanging around with them. There's also the problem of security - how well can I lock the thing up in the shed, how long before it gets nicked? Will the thing fit in the boot of my car for when I go on holiday?

These apprehensions are on a par with booking a foreign holiday then deciding that I'm too worried to travel. The hassles far outway the benefits, but it's something that I must do.

Now, can anybody tell me how the gears on a bike work? Is there a clutch?