Landslide

Things are bad again, and they'll probably be bad for some time.  Life will go on, the sun will shine again - not where I live because it's a rainy shithole - but it will shine and I'll feel its warmth... for maybe an hour or so.  And then I'll curse the dodgy air conditioning system in my car instead of cursing my miserable life.  Once I can start cursing dodgy air conditioning systems, however, I'll know that I'm OK again.

When things go against you, it's difficult not to blame yourself, to see yourself as worthless, one who others think it's OK to cast off and throw away.  Invariably though, it's them.  I just need to avoid people who turn out to be "them" and find those who are decent and honest and faithful I guess.


Medication's what you need
I'm currently on the same combination of drugs that Kerry Katona had after her split with Brian McFadden.   I'm not sure that's true, but antidepressants and sleeping tablets have had the strangest effects on me.  Mercifully, one of them was suppressing my appetite, which can never be a bad thing with a greedy guzzler.  The vivid dreams and restless nights are back though, and I find myself waking up exhausted with an aching jaw and temples from grinding my teeth while I do sleep.

I was prescribed some amazing sleeping tablets by my GP - Zopiclone/Zimovane, or whatever.  Being a geeky nerd, and not being provided with the pills without an information leaflet, I wikid them.  "Can cause sleep walking, sleep eating and sleep driving" and no end of paranoia to boot.  I have to hide my car keys when I think I might take one, but pyjamas aside, I doubt anybody would notice any difference in my driving skills anyway.

They're great though: hide car keys, lock door, do your bathroom stuff, get comfortable in bed, take tablet, wait.  And you wait a few minutes, wait for the drowsiness, but nothing, then beautiful blackness and you're gone.  You wake up feeling like shit and you can't stand up, but you do sleep with them.

Apart from making me feel like I was being hunted by a pack of wolves for the first few days, the antidepressants are OK.  They might be working, who knows?  I feel like shit for so many reasons that any person who doesn't suffer from depression would really struggle with, but they can't be doing any harm... sleepless nights and jaw ache aside.


Rocky and the phantom blackbirds
The little dog has issues with so many things, his latest being blackbirds in the ivy that covers the fence between mine and the neighbours' house.  He's taken to launching himself at the fence and fighting with the ivy because he thinks it's all part of a wider blackbird conspiracy.  I tried to reassure him that it was just leaves by picking him up and showing him.   At that very moment, an amorous couple of the tweeters, decided to descend onto the fence and their tussle made them fall into the yard in front of us.

My dog is very strong.

But he can't fly.

The blackbirds survived again.  As they will forever.


Air crash investigation
What a wonderful TV programme.  It makes me want to work for the NTSB.  But, also being an avid fan of Nothing to Declare,  I want to work for Australian Customs and Immigration.

Maybe I could job share: one day fining people for daring to bring a banana into Australia; the next day piecing together evidence from air disasters, using dry wipe markers and white boards.  I'd be awesome.


Kelly Clarkson
I think I quite like her stuff.  It's probably something to do with being bitter and queer.