It's gettin' better

Being on antidepressants is annoying.  I'm finding it increasingly difficult to mope around the house in silence.  Even when I'm happy, this is one of my favourite activities, but these days, I find myself doing things like watching the TV.  I've even stopped watching Air Crash Investigation because I'm not feeling so morbid, but it's a great programme!  I've been watching drama, getting obsessed with the BBC's  Sherlock and only tutting 5 times during an episode of Casualty instead of every two minutes.

I'm not happy.  I rely on my cynicism and nastiness to get through life and now it's going.  I'm even making plans for this:

Which, up to a couple of weeks ago, looked like this:

There will be flowers and colour.

Of course, my optimism for sunshine is generally cut down to size by living in the rainiest, God awful shithole on the planet, so the chances of being suicidal again by then of August are high.  For now though, I'm looking forward to making plans for my little spot in the sunshine.


Cooking is bad for my naturally calm demeanour
Well, cooking things in my oven is.  It's nice and new and clean and it's barely been used, and cooking in it makes it utterly disgusting and smelly.  There's some belly pork in there at the moment, spitting fat all over the lovely clean interior.  Is the crackling worth it?  You fucking betcha!

It always seems a bit miserable, cooking for yourself.  I'd much rather be doing this to share with somebody special, but my somebody special fucked off with her ex and has consigned herself to a future of Happy Meals instead of proper food.  Their loss, not mine.  Maybe I should see myself as being special and worth it, but it's difficult.

This little diamond of a book has recently come back into my possession after a gap of 20 years.  I'm looking forward to making lots of mess with the recipes it contains.

Lunch with my family
My family met up for a meal yesterday at a pretty nice pub/restaurant. The setting is pleasant and the food is great.  It's the sort of place with open fires and things.  And so the conversation for the two hours was decided: fire.  All fucking afternoon, all they did was go on about the open fucking fire.  It's like they'd never seen flames before.  They all came close to getting stabbed in the head with a fork.

Ug, fire