Sniffytastic: The future's... shouty

For a few weeks, I've been ignoring telephone calls to my mobile phone that are from numbers that I don't recognise. In fact, I always ignore calls in this way. That's the rule, surely everybody knows this: don't answer if you don't know the number; don't answer if the number is blocked. They'll leave a message if it's important and I can get back to them.

Unknown numbers can mean a few things:

Contacts who never made to your new phone's address book when you changed, simply because you NEVER call or text them;

People who have, quite rightly, been removed from your contacts because they are totally fucking insane and you don't want to accidentally contact them, even if they're the last person available and a an axe murderer is coming after you (let's face it, they're likely to be the axe murderer)

People trying to sell you things

People trying to make you take "just a few minutes" to do a survey that takes 40 minutes

Wrong numbers still trying to get hold of "Sexpot" because they're in Bulford again next week and would still love to catch up

People from Warwick Alumni fund wanting to know if you want to donate £50 a month?????? Planet? On? Which one?

Anyway, my reasons for never answering calls where I don't recognise the number have just been vindicated - for the millionth time. It was a nice young man from Ulster tonight, speaking "veryquicklyaboutOrangebecauseI'mavaluedcustimerwho'sbeenwiththemyears", so it was.

"Do you have broadband?"

"Yes. I have cable broadband with Virgin."

"Oh," this was the WRONG thing to say to a person trying to sell mobile broadband, apparently. "Do you still have a BT telephone line?"

"No, I refuse to have anything to do with BT."

"I take it you have a laptop?"

"Oh yes, of course."

"Wouldn't it be great to have internet access wherever you went with your laptop?"

"I already do, from my wireless broadband at home. I don't take my laptop with me anywhere other than places that have wi-fi."

"What about when you're out and about though, wouldn't mobile broadband through a dongle be great? We've got a great offer for a 1GB dongle for a tenner a month; 3GB for £15."

"No, not really. My laptop is too heavy to carry around with me and I have an iPhone, which gives me 3G broadband when I'm out and about and free access to BT Openzone wi-fi."

"Well, let's just check out the coverage for your location. What's your postcode there?"

He must've forgotten that I have 10 meg broadband with Virgin. Why is he doing this?

"Actually, my 3G phone coverage is actually really patchy here," I interjected.

"Great, looking at this, the 3G coverage is really good where you are."

"It isn't, I can assure you."

"So, that'd be a 10GB dongle for just £25 a month then, we can do everything for you now, it'll only take a few minutes."

"But I don't need it, I have my [insert smart phone name here] iPhone when I'm out and about and I don't carry my laptop around with me. It's not something that I'm looking for right now. Thank you."

Why don't these people listen? Why can't they see that you have no need for the services they're peddling and move onto their next call, that might be more productive? Perhaps they just like talking to me. That must be it.

But the good thing about being trapped in phone conversation is that it always gets your bowels moving and I had a lovely poo straight after the call.

Toady holes
I've become an expert at batter-based cooking since I started going out with Ali. Or have I? I can do pancakes and I can do toad in the hole, I am far from being an expert in light tempura, or even a banana fritter. But anyway, I have discovered that toad in the hole is a really easy dish to make. And Hallelujah for that! With excellent sausages in regular supply, it's so easy to whip up a batter get everything cooking away in the oven.

I had toad in the hole for tea tonight. It was very filling. I feel slightly sick.

Valderee
I'm going to get into walking more. Proper walking, with maps and GPS systems and arguments. We went on a walk up in Lancashire at the weekend. We dressed inappropriately for the weather, thinking it would be much warmer than the 3°C high that met us up in witch country. Still, it was really enjoyable and I learned a few things: