It's going to be one of those days where there seems to be little to do and then all my insides will, metaphorically, fall out of my arse when the realisation dawns that I've forgotten to do something really important. That sensation of instant tension in some muscles and instant loss of control of others is one that I like to avoid at all costs. Some people thrive on it. Such people are the types who earn ridiculous amounts of money and/or die young. They work in arenas of high tension and high stakes, I don't. I just leave things too long sometimes and then get into a mad panic when I realise that something I thought had done has been relegated to row ten of the back burners.... mainly because I can't be bothered with the trivialities of certain aspects of my job and put such things to one side in favour of more exciting things, like spreadsheets and arranging Skype meetings.
Fuck.
I graduated top of my class, you know, with a first and everything. I was a rising star of science in 1991. And then I did a PhD in a lab surrounded by Christians who tried to make me love Jesus every day. It wasn't conducive to good science or good mood.
It's all about the confidence
Still, being successful requires having oodles of confidence and mine rapidly dissipated between the age of 22 and 24. So with this in mind, and the need to change jobs fast approaching, I figured it'd be useful to get some tips to help change my attitude towards myself: I attended a "Build your confidence" course. Actually, I've only been to part 1 of 3 so far and I'm already a total wreck after seven hours spent with the super-self-assured course facilitator.
She was a little brusque for my liking and I spent a lot of the first session looking at her thinking, If that's confidence, you can keep it.
When does being confident tip over into being a complete twat? I think a good indicator is when you hear yourself saying "I" or "me" or "my" more than twenty times per hour. Surely truly confident people don't need to talk about themselves so much; it just shows?
But anyway, I was supposed to be spending the two weeks between parts 1 and 2 of the course engaging in a few daily exercises in visualisation and affirmation. I don't really have anything that I want to visualise - other than going on the rampage in John Lewis - and the best time to do it (bed time) is always taken up having a night time chat to my girlfriend and then falling asleep while still on the phone.
As far as affirmations go, I really can't see even saying any of the following once, let alone announcing them out loud 20 times a day:
- I deserve to be happy and successful
- I have the power to change myself
- I can forgive and understand others and their motives
- I can make my own choices and decisions
- I am free to choose to live as I wish and to give priority to my desires
- I can choose happiness whenever I wish no matter what my circumstances
- I am flexible and open to change in every aspect of my life
- I act with confidence having a general plan and accept plans are open to alteration
- It is enough to have done my best
- I deserve to be loved
Honestly, would you?
The only affirmations that I say many times each day are:
- I am in my happy place
- And then you saw me dead
And those will do for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment