One of the reasons for taking the little dog to the behaviourist (he accompanies me while it's actually me who gets training) is so that I can learn how to brush him and so he can get used to that sort of mithering contact so I can bribe somebody with clippers to come round and cut his wiginess without them getting their fingers bitten off.
It's a very slow process that involves bribing him with tasty and extremely smelly treats, namely chopped up bits of braised lamb offal. FYI braised lambs hearts have the same smell as any cooked lamb, which I find bizarre. Anyway, the process of brushing His Lordship involves a handful of lamb bits, a lead, a brush (which he must not see). He gets held in place with a short lead while I shove bits of meat into his mouth and try to touch him with the brush. After an arduous and bad tempered start, and rapid stop, we're making progress! I have so far brushed quite a bit of his back, his tail, the back of his neck, the top of his head, his beard, his back legs. His tummy is some way off yet, and first rule of doggy fight club is "DO NOT LET IT DEVELOP INTO A FIGHT!" Apparently, Cesar Millan's way of holding down a pooch until it submits to your will just won't work with a dog like Rocky and you have to use the softly, softly, catchy monkey method. This means that any sign of stress from the dog and we stop.
Why couldn't I get a normal dog? I should've known when I saw his dad (as mental as he is) and him as a 12 week old pup - I think it was a 12 week old pup that I saw; all I witnessed was a little black blob of excitement tearing around his first mum's kitchen. Cute though.
And now he's doing toxic farts.
Going Dutch
I really hate the way the Dutch speak when they speak in English. I don't care how they speak when they speak Dutch because I obviously switch off. I don't care that they have nothing to do but learn fifteen different languages by the time they're out of nappies, I can't stand the way they speak English.
I pity my cousin though. She's from Liverpool, but married a Dutch man and has lived in Holland since the late 1980s. She speaks Dutch very well, but has forgotten how to speak English, which given her unfortunate start in this aspect of her life, puts her at quite a disadvantage when she comes back to England. Her accent/language is now what can be described as Douse, or Scutch I suppose.
Even worse than the Dutch English accent is when English people copy the Dutch English accent for the sake of comedy or advertising. Why do people do it? Why do people think that the Dutch are significant enough to use as characters in films or adverts? And when they do deem it absolutely necessary to include such people, why don't they go for an authentic Dutch person instead of some English cunt doing a Dutch accent?
Gawd. Just a thought.
Notting Hill
Notting Hill is on telly. It has Hugh Grant playing Hugh Grant in it. There's not really much that I can add to that.
9 comments:
I quite like the Dutch with their hurdygurdy canals as the concentric circles of hell.
The Dutch are essentially British, and thus beneath the notice of all right thinking types.
I like the Belgians. Hercule Poirot was quite a famous one even if he didn't exist.
Swedes, on the other hand, are total turnips.
I don't dislike the Dutch, although by some accounts they are prone to being rather racist. I suppose they're a bit like people from Norfolk and I wouldn't be at all surprised if they have a very similar genetic makeup.
I think of all the European nations, the French will always top my list of "people to get it first unless they repent" when I'm finally in charge. Closely followed by the Cocknernees. I don't know about the Austrians; they should be quite innocuous, but always seem to be in the mix of things when there's trouble brewing. Their accent is quite nice though.
Austrians do sachertorte, which is nice in small doses. Unfortunately they also do incest and small 'tached men in dodgy raincoats.
The clear beer of Vienna is best avoided, as Sigmund would have said.
Aahhh, of course, the Austrians and the Belgians. If only we could resurrect It's a Knockout for European Vincent Price lookey-likey child molesters.
I do love our European neighbours, in a freaky kind of way.
I'm not too keen on the Spaniards, apart from the Basques who do a mean tapas variation when they aren't shooting at the Spanish, the French, or each other.
Perhaps I should abduct one, and relocate to the Isle of Man where our money would be safe.
Norman Wisdom did.
I don't really know any Spaniards, apart from my French teacher Mrs Royle, who was brilliant, but scary.
Back to the Dutch though, it's the way they pronounce their 'Ss' as 'sh'. It just pisses me off.
I think the Greeks are nice, but their coffee is fucking disgusting.
The Dutch are just, well, Dutch. You can't really criticize their liking for guitar based progressive rawk musak.
They're Calvinists, and not at all as pathetic as the Papist Italians who like to scoot about on Vespas stealing handbags. And they've got a Kraut in the Vatican, which is unbelievable, unless he delivers pizza.
Greeks. Homers the lot of them.
I have almost no idea what the two of you are going on about, except to say, I have I deep dislike for Canadians as a whole (though I tend to like them individually) and find it silly the way a lot of Brits turn a word with an "a" on the end into a word with an "er". Example: Lis-er instead of Lis-a.
And finally, the Dutch are real? Who knew. Imagine my surprise! This feels exactly the same as when I learned Casablanca was a real place, not just the name of a movie. And that Abu Dhabi was also a real place, and not where Bugs Bunny ends up if he takes a left at Albuquerque. Yet another reason for the rest of the world to hate the US. Not only do we think their countries are made up, we think that they are figments of OUR imaginations.
I've read this about 16,000 times now.
You spend far too much time on Facebook.
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