Tesco and Esso
Why on earth did Esso hand over the franchise for its petrol stations to Tesco? Instead of having a filling station that has eight to ten pumps, with a little shop that sells fags, chocolates and magazines at high prices, we now have these useless fucking things with three fuel pumps attached to a Tesco express.
Picture the scene:
I feel shame for being rude to the assistant who served me, but anger at Tesco for making me feel this way.
And they don't accept Clubcard on petrol sales.
Cunts.
Comments
Since I am currently incarcerated in Base 2a and I can't access Blogger to comment or post, I am unable to answer comments made about my previous post other than here in an "e-mail" post. So here we go:
Tazzy and Piggy, yes, it was the Spinners who sang The ink is black, but I didn't want to embarrass myself by admitting that I knew this. What a great song to instil the values of equality and symbiosis in the minds of youngsters who would not encounter a black or ethnic minority person until they were at least 11. Please add it to the T&P playlist, it'll be a hit. I might drive through BNP stronghold areas and play it really loudly through my car stereo, or tannoy.
Loz - we had plenty of hymns that we sang, both traditional and modern hippy ones, but our favourites were still singing along to Peter Paul and Mary and the Spinners and the New Seekers. But it was strange how, when I was listening to Go tell it on the mountain last night, that my sister said it reminded her of our primary school. There was another song with the lines "Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, let my people go" - or perhaps I'm getting a few songs mixed up. Another one mentioned "So high you can't get over it, so low, you can't get under it", but I can't remember the rest. Perhaps it was actually a curse upon the size of my arse for years to come. Who knows?
Piggy, yes, I am looking a little fatter around the chops and everywhere else. I need to get back to the gym, which I haven't really attended for some time. It will happen once my life is a little more settled. Cunt.
Piggy again. I have no idea what the fuck happened to my eyebrows in that photo, but I don't think they looked like that in real life. I'm hoping it's a trick of the angle. I'll just go and check... if you saw them closer, you'd notice that the hairs on my right eyebrow stick up at the end near my nose and this gives the impression that the eyebrow is thinner than the left one. There are the same numbers of hairs there, they just go in a different direction.
Piggy again. You're a total shit
Mass shootings
While the events at Virginia Tech were horrific, I found it odd that state leaders rushed to send out messages of support and sympathy, where none are becoming when folk get massacred in their hundreds every day because of the mess that has been made in Iraq.
Scotch eggs
Are scotch eggs the work of the devil? Having just eaten TWO for my lunch, I feel the need flagellate myself before a life-sized image of Nigella Lawson to absolve myself of this terrible sin. Perhaps I have the urge to do this anyway.
Scotch eggs are dirty food - food that you really shouldn't touch with the longest of bargepoles for the sake of all that is good - but dirty food is so very necessary at times. Other dirty food includes:
Do people ever have cravings for things like apples or muesli? Do they bollocks.
Anyhoo, I'm going to hit send and see if this appears on my blog.
Why on earth did Esso hand over the franchise for its petrol stations to Tesco? Instead of having a filling station that has eight to ten pumps, with a little shop that sells fags, chocolates and magazines at high prices, we now have these useless fucking things with three fuel pumps attached to a Tesco express.
Picture the scene:
- Sniffy leaves for work at 7.20 and realises that she'll have to get petrol in order to get to work. She curses the relies who were visiting the previous evening, who had blocked her car on the drive and who didn't leave until 12.30.
- She drives to the Tesco/Esso filling station on the top road. There's a queue of cars trying to get to the three pumps while avoiding people parking to go in to do their weekly shop, and the delivery truck that's blocking half the forecourt.
- Eventually a pump comes free as somebody moves the car they've parked there while doing their shop.
- She puts £10 worth of unleaded in the tank and runs in to pay.
- Two tills are open and there's a queue, she stands, tenner in hand, hopeful of a quick payment.
- As she stands next in line for a till, one checkout assistant leaves his till, leaving Sniffy to wait behind somebody who is getting their weekly shop.
- FUCKERS!
- Sniffy finally gets to the till, says "Number 1!" and thrusts tenner into the hand of the assistant.
- Turning on her heel, Sniffy is stuck behind Mr Weekly shop as he stands to check his receipt in front of her.
I feel shame for being rude to the assistant who served me, but anger at Tesco for making me feel this way.
And they don't accept Clubcard on petrol sales.
Cunts.
Comments
Since I am currently incarcerated in Base 2a and I can't access Blogger to comment or post, I am unable to answer comments made about my previous post other than here in an "e-mail" post. So here we go:
Tazzy and Piggy, yes, it was the Spinners who sang The ink is black, but I didn't want to embarrass myself by admitting that I knew this. What a great song to instil the values of equality and symbiosis in the minds of youngsters who would not encounter a black or ethnic minority person until they were at least 11. Please add it to the T&P playlist, it'll be a hit. I might drive through BNP stronghold areas and play it really loudly through my car stereo, or tannoy.
Loz - we had plenty of hymns that we sang, both traditional and modern hippy ones, but our favourites were still singing along to Peter Paul and Mary and the Spinners and the New Seekers. But it was strange how, when I was listening to Go tell it on the mountain last night, that my sister said it reminded her of our primary school. There was another song with the lines "Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, let my people go" - or perhaps I'm getting a few songs mixed up. Another one mentioned "So high you can't get over it, so low, you can't get under it", but I can't remember the rest. Perhaps it was actually a curse upon the size of my arse for years to come. Who knows?
Piggy, yes, I am looking a little fatter around the chops and everywhere else. I need to get back to the gym, which I haven't really attended for some time. It will happen once my life is a little more settled. Cunt.
Piggy again. I have no idea what the fuck happened to my eyebrows in that photo, but I don't think they looked like that in real life. I'm hoping it's a trick of the angle. I'll just go and check... if you saw them closer, you'd notice that the hairs on my right eyebrow stick up at the end near my nose and this gives the impression that the eyebrow is thinner than the left one. There are the same numbers of hairs there, they just go in a different direction.
Piggy again. You're a total shit
Mass shootings
While the events at Virginia Tech were horrific, I found it odd that state leaders rushed to send out messages of support and sympathy, where none are becoming when folk get massacred in their hundreds every day because of the mess that has been made in Iraq.
Scotch eggs
Are scotch eggs the work of the devil? Having just eaten TWO for my lunch, I feel the need flagellate myself before a life-sized image of Nigella Lawson to absolve myself of this terrible sin. Perhaps I have the urge to do this anyway.
Scotch eggs are dirty food - food that you really shouldn't touch with the longest of bargepoles for the sake of all that is good - but dirty food is so very necessary at times. Other dirty food includes:
- Gala pie
- Sausages
- Bacon barm
- Steak and kidney pudding
- Pot Noodle
- Kebab
- Fried bread
Do people ever have cravings for things like apples or muesli? Do they bollocks.
Anyhoo, I'm going to hit send and see if this appears on my blog.
11 comments:
Yay first! Even thought the cunting pop-up tried to halt me!
I never forget singing Morning Has Broken and getting funny looks from the other kids because the first version I'd heard ws by Cat Stevens. I still sing it his way even now.
You should suggest to Tesco that they change the pumps at your local station to the ones where you can pay by credit/debit card thus (I had to correct that thus from tush, is your arse having an influence on people sort of like a subliminal gravity?) oh fuck it, I lost my thread now.
Don't forget Mozambique, Darfur (is that Sudan) and the other one which I forget the name of but it was where Black Hawk Down was meant to have been - Mogadishu?
I thought dirty food was food that you had "played" with; such as chocholate sauce, whipped cream, jelly ... no? Oh.
Did you e-mail that post via your Yahoo account per chance?
What about using one of those "pay at the pump" pumps? Or do they not have them at the evil Tesco/Esso?
Pot Noodles are fucking ace! We particularly like the Bombay Bad Boy version. Yum.
Sausages? Yuk. I refuse to eat them these days. Who the fuck knows what's in them.
As for Scotch Egg's. I must admit I'm partial to them when I'm fucking starving. I hate the mess they make though with all the crumby bits.
At this moment in time, I'm having cravings for pickled eggs.
Oh and well done for adding a fucking advert onto your post. Thick cunt.
Yes it was sent from my yahoo account, how did you guess?
They don't do pay at the pump at that station. They're rubbish.
Advert has been removed Piggy: it goes on automatically from Yahoo and since I couldn't edit the post from work, I've only just been able to it now.
Took yer bleedin' time.
Piss off Pigster! Some of us have to drive millions of miles to get back to civilisation after working for a day in the back of beyond. Then again, coming from Yorkshire/Scotland, you wouldn't know about civilisation, would you?
We get points on our clubcard over here on the petrol!
Hmmm fried bread heartstoppingly good!
Is Piggy pregnant? Lets start a gossip.
That's because you all wear ski masks and carry armalites; they'd give you the contents of the tills and all the fags if you asked them.
Piggy would be pregnant if only his insides weren't all wrong. His womb is tilted apparently. Doesn't stop him being a hormonal old woman though.
Now that would be fun, Piggy on HRT.
Maybe he is?
Yes. He is.
Cunts.
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