So today I thought about what you see when you first wake up in the morning, the first thing you see when you look out onto the world. The first thing I usually see is Otto's face, very close, and when I stumble downstairs to open the curtains, I'm met with hazy street lights through the condensation on the window; not much else being visible in the pitch blackness except perhaps the moon or the odd axe murderer's shadow as it scurries by beyond the garden hedge.
But when you open your curtains/blinds in the morning and look out onto your world, wouldn't it be brilliant if you were met with this:
It'd be top notch if you looked through the window to see Big Bird delivering your morning newspaper. Actually it wouldn't, it'd be a complete head-fuck, besides which, Big Bird was a pathetic, annoying twat and I hated him... her... it.
But just imagine the rest of it: the bin men coming on Friday, to be verbally assaulted by Oscar the Grouch;
People talking Spanish and using sign language for no apparent reason; a weird obsessive-compulsive vampire who can't stop themselves from counting things;
Bert and Ernie's totally acceptable (yet not really talked about) same sex relationship; a furry monster with Prader Willi syndrome and a totally BIZARRE woolly mammoth...
Come and play, everything's A OK.
Yeah right, sure it is.
You rub your eyes and Chorlton and the Wheelies roll on by while Finella the Kettle Witch pops up on the lawn. "'Ello, little old lady!"
Beg pard?
Friendly neighbours there
I don't think so, not around here. My neighbour would come charging out of his house to complain that the mammoth was blocking his drive "I've got disabled kids you know!". It's not just the kids that have special educational needs, is it, you thick bastard?
What on earth is going on? You need to catch your breath, so you sit down and turn the telly on:
Maisie wanders in to check why her breakfast isn't ready,
Something's not right, you take another look:
AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!
And with thought processes like these, is it any wonder that I got Pancake Day wrong?
20 comments:
Yay! I'm first!
Erm... Have you had any of your analgesics today? And exactly how many bottles did you consume?
On second thoughts, I think you may be suffering from pre-senile dementia.
My dad used to say my mum was 'in training for full on dementia'. I think he'd be intruiged by this post.
What's wrong with it? I'm not saying that I DID experience any of these things, but it'd bloody freaky if I had. Remember Sesame Street? Could you imagine living on Sesame Street? And yet those people - grown ups - thought it was perfectly normal, didn't bat an eyelid at any of the weird things going on.
I could never quite understand why half of it was in Spanish.
Weren't Bert and Ernie in Sesame street, or was it the Muppet Show? I seem to remember there being some cross over of characters.
Today's letter is the letter ZEE.
Yes, Bert and Ernie were the Sesame Street queers, but not quite as gay as Big Bird, obviously.
Face end, bum end - all smells the same with my cat.
I know why half of it was in Spanish NOW, it was just hard to fathom out when I was a little kid.
Where do you get your mushrooms from? The same supplier as half the adults on Sesame Street I should think
I think that Sesame Street was half in Spanish because of the Hispanic contingenty of America.
At least you get the face end of your moggie in your mush in the morning.
I loved the little montage of weird. Makes me wonder what Evil Edna is up to these days. She was a misunderstood witch if ever there was one.
I'd be grumpy too if I got turned into a 1970's tv...
Huh? Aren't those last comments 'round the wrong way?
You're right, I'd commented after Convict. I think my ISP's clock might be a bit slow, I'm forever jumping in front of previous commenters. Tis veh weird.
Wait your turn, Tina. Cheeky northern git.
Bert and Ernie are my heroes; I model myself on them. And sometimes on Animal from the Muppets.
The only thing is, it is illegal here in Wales to be cheerful before 11am.
Whatever.
Before 11am? Is that on any particular day of the year?
So, we're finally piecing together a picture of the enigma that is FT... a kind of unicycling, power tool-mad, hybrid of Bert, Ernie and Animal? How wonderfully divine!
AND DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES "WHATEVER" ME! EVER!
Animal was based on the Who's Keith Moon.
I think Keith Moon was even more mental.
*puts down armful of newly collected prescription drugs*
I thought you said it was safe Tina?
Can I say 'have you got a problem with that?'
I've been dying to say that to someone for years, but I'm a pathetic physical coward.
So we can't whatever?
How about my bad?
I got teenage kids so I have several of these in my arsenal.
You funny girl, erm Lady...
:-)
So, which shoes did you buy?
Ta.
Not been the shops yet. I may go this evening.
I'm fairly certain Elmo would have to die if I were ever to live on Sesame Street.
I looooooooved Big Bird and Snufalupagous (too lazy to look up the correct spelling, but not too lazy to type about my laziness).
I heartily enjoyed the imagined reaction of your neighbors to a Sesame Street experience.
Ah yes! The Snufalupagous thing, that was it - thanks for the reminder.
Unfortunately, that wasn't the imagined reaction of my neighbours; that's what they do to ANYTHING that happens, so it's a dead cert for if they woke up on Sesame Street.
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