Today's leap took me to the car wash. Those automated things scare the shit out of me, especially since my wing mirror cover is only held on with dirt. Consequently, I tend to wash my car myself and I've never taken this one through a carwash. It was very exciting, almost like being on a rollercoaster: you're sat there, waiting for something to happen; the motor whirs into life and the rollers start spinning; the adrenaline levels start to rise and your heart races; you vision is obscured by foam and fear; contact! after their threatening whirling dance, the spinning rollers finally get to work on your car; you watch in trepidation as one hits the fragile wing mirror... Anyway, it was OK and it didn't do too bad a job.
How interesting.
As I was waiting for the final spin cycle to finish, I recalled my annoyance at not being able to have Shreddies for breakfast because there was insufficient milk. Onto Tesco then. Did all that and, after admonishing myself for forgetting to get cashback when paying for my stuff, I went to the cashpoint outside the supermarket. Fiddling with my wallet to retrieve my card, I half heard "There's a queue here, love" coming from the crowd of people near the drop-off point. I ignored it. Again, I heard a woman's voice in typical Salford squawking, "We're queuing here!!!", so I looked up and there they were, at least 20 paces from the cashpoint was a queue of folk waiting to use it. "You're a bit far away, I thought you were waiting for taxis", I uttered in my defence. The same fishwife bawled out sanctimoniously "You're supposed to give people space when they're using the machine". "I agree, but I think a mile is a bit over the top."
Fucking stupid Salford retards. In fact, Walkden has the worst of all worlds because there's a nasty mix of Salford and Bolton going on there. Tossers.
Sniffy University Degree Programme 2006
You can do all sorts of noddy degrees these days, including a BA in Noddy and Big Ears from the University of Farnworth. It seems that there is such a demand for a university qualification, academic centres of mediocrity are popping up all over the place so that thickos can get a "degree". Of course, the courses have to match the abilities of the students so as you keep raking in the cash from them for the entire three or four years without risking them dropping out because things are proving too difficult... Things like getting out of bed before midday and managing more than 4 lectures a week.
To match sky-rocketting demand for a degree from a UK university, I'm going to set up my own university in the garden shed. My initial degree programme, starting in September 2006, will include subjects such as:
- The history of de/rehydrated foodstuff in the UK
- Pooing science
- Salford history: centuries of scum
- Medium studies: Doris Stokes from beyond the grave
- Shoe design for spaz-footed cretins (a modular course that can be mixed and matched with elements from the Hooded top and leisurewear BA)
- Charlie's Angels and the Dukes of Hazzard - When telly was good
- Salty snacking
- Staying in
- Takeaway evolution studies
"You should've been a gay man"
That's what my sister said to me last night when I was playing my latest playlist. What does the public think of this lot, just a bit queer?
- Lola's theme - Shapeshifters
- Take me away - Haji & Emanuel
- Feel good inc. - Gorillaz
- What you waiting for - Gwen Stefani
- Back to basics - Shapeshifters
- Sexy mother fucker - Prince & New Power Generation
- Move that body - Technotronic
- Dare - Gorillaz
- Incredible - Shapeshifters
- So good - Rachel Stevens
- Gonna make you sweat (everybody dance now) - C&C Music Factory
- I bet you look good on the dancefloor - Sugababes
- Let me show you - K Klass
- Oops up - Snap
18 comments:
Yay! First!
'Salty snacking'. Hmm. That one sounds interesting.
And as for you being a gay man - Sorry love, you ain't anywhere near pretty enough.
You'd probably make a good dyke though. If you put some effort into it and find yourself some snatch to play with.
No need to apologise - love - I wouldn't want to be a gay man, I'm not bitchy enough and I don't like cock.
*laffs*
Oi! I NEVER got out of bed before mid day and NEVER attended more than 4 lectures a week. Then again, I was an arts student, which is why I'm ace at University Challenge.
I think your proposed subject matter is a bit challenging for some of the mong 'students' of today. I think you need to dumb things down a bit.
How about 'Twiglets: their post-modern epistimological significance in the urban underclass'.
Oh . My . Gawd!
We just listened to your Odeo message to us!
You actually sound quite girly! We were expecting you to sound like Arthur Mullard.
*trots out, shocked*
And you copied our Odeo thingy!
We never get anything to ourselves.
*shocked and appalled*
Don't know half of your soundtrack - sorry! - but I rather liked your response to Piggy!
I'm not sure I'd pass the Salford Sniffy University courses, either. Not enough cheese.
Bloody hell boys, you don't expect to show us something as good as that and not expect us to use it to, do you?
Honestly - you know I'm from Salford and that stealing stuff is in my genes.
Bronwen, I think you need to be a bit queer to know some of those tracks.
I think I have accumulated enough credits to immediately transfer on to the MA Staying In. Please send a prospectus and a map of the Shed.
By the way, from reading your archives I find we were at Leeds University at the same time. Post-graduate English researchers would, sensibly, run away from hard science students like yourself so I doubt we met. Anyway I was usually at the Carnaby Club.
Interesting...
I frequented: Headingley pubs; Ricky's; The Warehouse; Ritzy (Confetti's) - oh yes, classy; The News at the Queen's Hotel; sometimes Whitelock's and some other pubs. My housemates were artsy types and one of them did Phil/Lit, but that was on the undergraduate programme. I wouldn't have associated with BAs by choice, but I'm glad I was forced into it by living arrangements.
Quite a poofy playlist. Bravo!
And medium studies sounds interesting. Will you also do them in large?
Har har! No, but I will be doing them in 'munchkin', for the small brained.
Which will just about cover the population of Greater Manchester.
And dont forget about Lancashire!!
And Ireland!
And North America!
Will you be serving cake at break-times?
Very excited about starting my correspondence course at your university. I assume there will be sweatshirts for new students.
I myself have never seen an episode of Charlie's Angels OR the Dukes of Hazzard as my mother deemed them sexist and violent. It took all the fun out of TV watching as a kid.
Strangely, I WAS allowed to watch the Incredible Hulk.
Yes, hooded tops in navy blue emblazoned with beig-bordered brown lettering: U Sniff, or Sniff U, depending on which model you go for.
What about the Bionic Woman and Six Million Dollar Man?
Neither.
I was very underpriveleged as a child when it came to TV-watching. Unhappily for my mother, it completely backfired as now I cannot be separated from my beloved TV.
Hey I agree 100% agree with the last few comments. This blog has great opinions and this is why I continue to visit, thanks! ##link#
I got a degree awarded for being on the internet - the certificate in coronation street studies was delivered to my email box, funny as i must be 1 of those who have never even watched an episode. The catch was i had to pay to attend the degree ceremony.
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