That's so annoying; when people ask "Penny for your thoughts?" Piss right off! My thoughts are PRICELESS, there's no way I'm giving anything away so cheaply. Cheeky bastards. But something occurred to me yesterday at work, and then on my journey home in the car: the extent to which we mutter on to ourselves during the course of the day is pretty mind-boggling at times.
People yabber on to themselves to varying degrees, from giving a full running commentary of their task lists, to just the odd outburst of despair (or joy, or completely freaky madness). One of my colleagues is an absolute darling and she's non-stop, talking to herself about the things she's done and is yet to complete on her "to do list" for that day. Another colleague can't read without reading out loud. Another just goes on and on and, I'm sure she's intending that people are listening to her, but she's so tiresome that nobody does and she essentially talks to herself all day.
What'd be really interesting is an experiment whereby a person wears a microphone and everything they say is recorded over a 24hr period. Snippets from my typical working day might include:
"Eeuurghh, hello there Otto! Move, got to get up now. Come on, love, I need to get up. MOVE! For fuck's sake!" (Thud! as Otto is shoved onto the floor).
"Move out the way you lot, come on. Going out Max? Go on then. Oh come on then, Otto, off you go. Sonny, I'm not standing with the fucking door open all morning while you decide whether it's safe for you outside today. Oh fuck off then!"
"Fuck off, shitting radio shite"
"Fucking come ON! How long does it fucking take to set off from some fucking traffic lights, you total fucking MONG! Jesus, fucking Christ almighty! Just move!"
"'Morning"
"Ugh"
"Oh fuck off, you twat. Go off and whinge to the boss again. Cunt"
"Oh bollocks!... smile ... 'Good morning, Thingy and Whatsit Department, how can I help? .... It's a pleasure, cheerio'...."
"Right, I'm off"
"Oh come on, you tosser. Why do you need to leave such a huge gap? Look, mo.. DON'T LET THAT FUCKER IN! Fuck's sake, been queuing for ages and that twat.. JEEEEZUSS!"
"Bastards"
"Vrrrooooooooooooooommm.. SCREEEEEEEEEAAACH!!!"
"Oh tits, can't they park a bit better? Spastics"
"Oops!"
"Hiya MAX! Max, Max, Max, Max, Max!!!"
At the hospital
I've got a follow up hospital appointment this afternoon. Having been given plenty of time to consider my options, I'm going ask that a benign breast lump is removed. There's no clinical need to, but having seen the thing on the mammogram, it scared the shit out of me and I want it OUT!
It's obviously an extremely rare occurrence, but people who get intimate with me can get a bit freaked when they encounter it. I've been instructed to tell the surgeon that I want it out "Because it's interfering with my sex life". I think in truth, it's my huge arse, bingo wings and udder that are the main problem when it comes to be me having a healthy sex life, I just hope this isn't pointed out to me at the hospital.
This sort of thing makes me really nervous. I hate having to talk about myself to people; my nerves get the better of me and I end up laughing and joking about things that are really rather serious.
Need a poo now.
21 comments:
yes, relieve yourself of that poo. that's really what's interfering with your sex life.
i am amazed at technology these days. your microphone can pick up a smile? cool!
and ps. they're really trying to buy your *brain* for one cent, not your thoughts, which are worth^H^H^H^H^Hpriceless.
--aas (first)
best of luck with the removal of the chuck, luv.
--aas
How spooky is your post? I've just this morning been to the hospital for an examination of my groin.
Scarily, a scan has been booked for tomorrow.
To say I'm scared shitless would be an understatement. I experienced exactly the same thing a few years ago which resulted in the loss of a bollock and a nice nauseating course of treatment afterwards, where I discovered I could vomit more than the liquid content of my stomach. Frequently.
It's good to talk about those wee personal things, particularly because some others might be experiencing the same thing and it's good that they know they're not alone.
Tit and bollock lumps, where would we be without them, eh?
I think I might need a poo too. I'll book the cubicle next to yours.
And no peeking over the top!
You have confirmed my suspicion that eavesdropping on peoples interior monologues would entail listening to a non stop swearathon.
When the lump is removed keep it in a bottle and flog it on ebay. There are probably all manner of weirdos out there prepared to pay top dollar.
before you sell your own tissue, make sure you patent your own DNA so nobody tries to clone you without paying dues.
--aas
Christ, you do have quite a plateful, don't you? Mom with a dancing tit, and your tit with a lump. Nice way to start the new year, aye? The realization that others have it far worse than I (at the moment) make my job woes minute and tiny.
I wish you all the best at the hospital today. And Piggy too. Or is it Tazzy..
Have to ask - what are 'bingo wings'?
I had a golf ball size benign lump removed from my right breast once. It was a very quick operation. They left a tube in for drainage which was kind of gross because it had to stay for two or three days. My girlfriend of the time was a nurse so that was kind of handy. The scary part was that they made me sign a form giving approval to take the entire breast if they found cancer once there were inside. Bastards waited till I was doped up and on the operating table before giving me the form to sign.
But I'm sure you won't have any problems at all.
I didn't know y'all had pennies.
I'd want it out, too. I think that's completely understandable.
Best of luck with the hospital gowns.
I think you did a marvellous job talking about yourself. I hope all goes well tomorrow.
Oh, and I hope the poo was satisfying - or are you still doing it?
Cor... I sound like a right patronising twat. Sorry.
Best of *uck at the hospital.
Or should that be "break a leg"? Probably best place to be if you're going to...
Now this is too fucking weird this is...I have just opened a letter received this am for an appointment for a Transthoracic Echocardiogram!
Stop posting about health issues Tina..scary
Oh and yes..I have a heart!
Damn. I was just about to ask if you had one, SID.
Damn and cunting blast.
I'm going to refer to this whole episode as the 'Sniffy Ripple' effect. Whenever she chat's about Asda, we all suddenly appear to have been there. Whenever she talks about hospitals and lumps, we all end up going to hospital.
For fucks sake don't die yet.
Or discover the cure for immortality.
best of luck tina-I had a lump out too a couple of years ago-its best to take care of it right away
piggy-I hope you don't have to go through surgery and drugs again-that's awful
sid- good luck with the heart thing
and on the health parade-I'm going to see the doc tomorrow too because the damn lumps in my thyroid are growing again.
Enjoyed your monologue by the way :-)
I've just found a zit on my chin.
Does that count?
Of course zits count!
My lump is being removed on 13th March. Can't wait!!!
All the best Piggy.
Hope you're all having a good grope and fondle to make sure there's nothing there that shouldn't be.
Well, Lumpy, glad it's all fine & dandy. I don't have lumps, yet. Ripples, I've got in abundance, though.
Are they going to do your arse at the same time, Tina?
You're a doctor Sniff can't you just take it out yourself?
Yeah... I say get rid of the thing. Who needs it?
Good luck on the op ... everyone by the sound of it. Thankfully I have no need to see a doctor or go to the hospital.
S'funny how anyone who's got a cat and hasn't got a catflap ends up having the same conversations with them.
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