Itch, scratch, itch

Itches are a pain. Worse still, there are some itches where it is almost forbidden to scratch when in polite company, or among colleagues. Such parts of the anatomy are:

• Tits (nipples)
  
• Foo
• Bum
• Scrote

There's nothing worse than an itchy nipple, apart from when you get the compulsion to stick a bottle brush up your anus to get at something that's causing a kind of pleasant discomfort up your arse. Instead, you have do that "dog with worms" thing and suffle about on your seat, hoping that nobody notices, or they do, hoping they don't think you've got worms.

What is the cause of anal/rectal itching? You'd like to think that you've got quite good bum hygiene after having a poo, so it shouldn't be shitty remnants. And sometimes it feels like the irritation is right in your rectum. The answer has to be sweetcorn.

It's always fucking sweetcorn. Along with cockroaches, sweetcorn nibblets are bound to survive any nuclear blast, maybe even mutating to form a super species of bright yellow insects that taste nice when warmed through and served with a knob of butter. What if rectal itching was caused by cockroaches? Or just plain old cock?

Foo itches are just as bad because it is absolutely forbidden to touch yourself "down there" when you're in the workplace; I don't think you're allowed to touch anybody else there while at work either. Perhaps employers should show more understanding. In fact, amongst women, there is an expectation for male colleagues to be constantly readjusting and scratching themselves around their bollocks. Perhaps we're all just resigned to fact the that some blokes can't keep their hands off their knackers and no reinforcement of acceptable practices of behaviour will ever change that. Maybe they just need to check that they're still there periodically, who knows?

Here in the UK, a very eminent professor of reproductive medicine, Lord Robert Winston, has made a name for himself as a celebrity scientist. Whenever there's a need for the lay person's interpretation of something scientific or medical, Robert Winston's the man. He's very good at explaining all sorts of medical phenomena in a down to earth and entertaining manner. I'd love for him to explain why you can't use your fingernails to scratch an itchy foot, especially a bare foot.

Ne touch pas

Foot itches are the absolute WORST type of itch (and I realise that I've contradicted myself). They generally occur when you've got your shoes and socks on, so there's the immediate problem of access. This can cause all sorts of problems when you're driving, you just have to pray that the sensation will get bored of itself and fuck off. But if removing footwear isn't an issue, then what? You rub the offending area against the other foot, or against a piece of furniture. But it always comes back.

Maybe it's just me...