Today's shit household item that serves no purpose is: The electric toaster. Unless you don't have a cooker of some description, these things are redundant. So why do people have them? Why, after NEVER having one in our home, did I get home yesterday to be confronted by one in our kitchen? Here are some things that I despise about domestic toasters:
- They take up space. In a kitchen that is already crammed full of utter shit and where isn't a square millimetre of free worksurface, somebody decides to squish up some of the existing crap and shove a toaster in.
- The setting is always wrong. Toasters never toast bread properly; it either comes out as warm bread or something that's seen the wrong end of a flamethrower. Toast from toasters is disgusting.
- They can't do cheese or sardines on toast, they can't do toast toppers.
- They drop crumbs all over the already shitty worksurface.
- They attract that greasy, fluffy shit that ends up covering everything else in the kitchen.
- They are for lazy fuckers who can't be arsed to watch a grill and turn over a bit of bread.
"But there's no room for it and they're shit, why can't she use the grill?"
"Because she wanted a toaster. Anyway, we've made room."
"My arse, you've made room, all you've done is shove all the shit further into the corner of doom. There IS no room for a toaster. She can have a toaster in her own fucking house, why does she have to inflict one on us?"
Stupid twat.
It's going to meet with an accident. Along with the "Microwave cooker" (something made of plastic that you use to cook things in in the microwave) and hopefully the microwave itself.
What is so difficult about:
- Adjusting shelves in top oven/grill to suitable height for toasting.
- Turning on grill to high and leaving to get hot for 5-10 minutes.
- Placing bread/crumpets/potato cakes on grill pan and positioning under the hot grill.
- Watching till bakery item has attained satisfactory toasting on one side.
- Turning over (adding cheese, sardines, toast toppers) and returning to grill to toast for the required time on the other side.
- Enjoying a delicious toasted snack?????????
Kitchen crusade
When I'm in charge, I shall do away with the following items from all UK domestic kitchens:
- Toasters
- Microwaves
- Bread bins
- Coffee makers that just take up space and only produce brown, flavourless water
- All other shit that just takes up space and never gets used
Happy anniversary
Today is the first anniversary of Cakesniffers Beware. I started the blog while sat in my office at work (naughty) and while listening to people in other offices going on about everyday things. It struck me how people (in general) could become so consumed with the banal. I often use examples of things that I hear or experience while at work, but these occurrences happen in workplaces all over the country, all over the world.
People are people and they provide companionship, amusement, annoyance, without which our lives would be very dull indeed.
34 comments:
Woo! Yay! Fucking Hoopla! I'm first!
I'll just press 'publish' in case anyone else nips in front of me.
I shall return!
Where was I? Oh yes - about to comment on your toasting machine for lazy cunts predicament...
I was rather shocked and appalled at point number 4 of your argument - the bit where you said 'blah, blah the already shitty worksurface'. What do you mean 'already shitty'? Don't your lot clean up? You manky cunt.
But anyway (fave word) yes, your quite correct, toasters ARE for lazy cunts that wouldn't know proper toast if it sprouted arms and legs, was swinging a mallet and boshed them over their empty heads with it.
At some points during the week though, the toasting contraption in our place IS set correctly (I always set it just right), it's EVERY OTHER FUCKER that fiddles with it that ends up with it turning everything into slices of carbon.
As for toast toppers, PLEASE tell us your kidding and that you really don't eat those manky little pots of whipped up frogs brains. It doesn't matter what you think they taste like, they look like cat vomit.
I think you should tell Anna to remove the offending item forthwith. Alternatively, install a smoke alarm directly above it - it wont take long before it's consigned to the bin.
And I might as well add 'Happy Blogiversary' before you chop my nuts off for forgetting.
Toast toppers were fucking delish when I was a kid, I don't know whether I'd still enjoy them today.
I clean the bits of the work surface I can get to, everything else is covered in crappy bits of redundant "labour-saving" or "can't live without" devices and I refuse to do anything while they're in the kitchen.
You know you can even toast on an Aga?
Yes, one year of blogging and I still haven't benefited from the therapy of my daily outbursts of outrage.
Sorry, I think toasters are great, especially in the morning when you are rushing about. You can even get these "sandwich toaster bags" from Lakeland Plastics so you can do your toasties in the toaster. Admitted if you have an eye-level gas grill its ok, but an electric grill having to bend over all the time is a pain. Talking of useless kitchen items - Jamie Olivers "Flavour Shaker" - whats the fucking point?
Toast in the morning? If you're rushing about that much you should either:
a) Get up earlier, or
b) Not bother with breakfast and just have coffee like normal people do
Anyway, toast isn't good for you, you should have fruit or muesli, or porridge that comes back up your nose.
Is a flavour shaker like a salt or pepper pot?
Porridge is fucking rank. Although saying that, I'm quite partial to raspberry flavour Oatso Simple, which is, at the end of the day, still porridge. Just not as nauseating.
That stoopid 'favour shaker' contraption is currently being advertised on telly. It's a bottle that you shove things into and shake it. And is has that mong Oliver's name on it. And it costs an arm and a leg.
The gullible will buy it.
I bet Frobisher's got two of 'em already, affected queen that he his. He shops at Lakeland Plastics, for fucks sake.
And what of Ready Brek? I used to love chocolate Ready Brek when I was a kid - especially when Mum used to drizzle a little evaporated milk on its surface to mix in. Yummeeee.
Porridge is OK, but it's something that I'll be living without for the next ten years.
Ready Brek is too runny. It's like warm spunk.
Hmm. Maybe I'll have some tomorrow.
I'm guessing it's nowhere near as good for the complexion though.
I bet you don't Frobi. Dirty tramp.
150ml?? What kind of queen measures things that precisely?
Porridge is good done in the microwave. Three tablespoons of porridge oats plus 150mls of milk and water + pinch of salt and then zapped for a couple of minutes. I won't leave the house without having something hot inside me.
I concede that microwaves are OK for porridge, but their disadvantages outway the benefits in terms of the space they occupy for the other 729 days over the two year period when you don't eat porridge.
Happy aniversary to your blog.
My parents (who are young, healthy, do not have arthritis and are not Mexican) own this and this .
An automatic jar opener.
I want one!
I'll have to make sure my folks never see either of those appliances. Jesus tonight! How do they think it up?
I think I could get by without the toaster, but never, ever the microwave. I was without for a week or so, and had to seriously think on how to use a pan and the stove to perform the same functions.
In all fairness, I was 21 at the time.
I know very eminent professor of paediatric oncology who refuses to have a microwave in his house because he fears there may be a link with cancer. He says this, but he's probably just like me and can't figure out how to use them.
You'll hate me for sure after this, but I have a toaster oven, which is basically a small oven just for toasting things. It's mounted on the cupboard so there's counter space below. The useless coffee maker is next to it.
I use it all the time...
Can you grill things in it? We have our "top oven" as well as our main oven. This is a smaller oven that has the grill incorporated in it - does that make it a "toaster oven"?
I need to see a photo of this device.
Get a grip, everything is fab.
Yay I,m....21st.
Happy blog day T.
Have you tried the new toast bags?
They are crap!
Thank you Herge. It's always good to know that you're there to keep from going off the rails.
Toast bags? I do not intend to use a "toast bag" because I do not intend to use the toaster. Toast bags indeed.
Yes, a year of blogging and I'm still a total cunt, even moreso in fact.
Weird, I was thinking last night that it must be your first year of blogging coming up.
Blimey, think how many words you've written.
I think the 1st blog of yours I read might have been one about your work colleagues being cunts.
Or a list of some kind - that I think was the 1st time I commented - sometime in late Feb I think.
Wow, a year. Sheesh.
What happened to that fella you thought was someone you'd previously chatted to in one of those chat room things or something?
That was Martin, or "metranil vavin" (Vav) from the old MSN chatrooms. I was a bit nervy about the possibility of somebody who had a vague notion of who I was finding out about my blog so I did the only thing I could:
Burnt his fucking house down!
Apparently, he's a really nice feller in real life (a friend of mine has met him a few times) and he e-mailed me with blogging tips and help with html in those early days.
I need to get back to lists. I like lists.
I've got a bread maker. You can can have it if you like.
The bread comes out with a massive hole in the centre.
I've also got a Breville toasted sandwich maker, and a food processor that requires a degree in origami in the attic.
You can have those as well.
Yeah, bring em on. We'll see if my parents can construct a whole pile of useless shite that reaches the fucking ceiling.
Steamer??
Please say you don't have a steamer?
Now that's bad.
Happy Blogday, by the way. And, in the way of a blogday pressie, I've posted a picture of my toaster oven on my blog for you. Go enjoy it.
The first appliance that I ever purchased was a toaster, but then, I didn't have an oven or anything else. I now have a toaster oven. Far more versatile than a toaster.
Now that jar opener and the quesadilla maker I think are a total waste of space and money. Pizza ovens are very popular here in the US - huge and useless.
Congratulations on your year of blogging!
Congrats on one year.
BTW, I've never known anyone who doesn't own a toaster, I don't know anyone who has more htan one oven, and why the hell would anyone WANT to fool around that much for a freaking sandwhich, if you want cheese or whatever melted, just use your sandwhich maker for pete's sake!
Anyway, hope you were joking about this being your first toaster, if not, how very odd.
People are people and they provide companionship, amusement, annoyance, without which our lives would be very dull indeed.
Well put and quite true. Lots o' luv to ya Sniff! Happy Anniversary!
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