The future's... shouty

For a few weeks, I've been ignoring telephone calls to my mobile phone that are from numbers that I don't recognise.  In fact, I always ignore calls in this way. That's the rule, surely everybody knows this: don't answer if you don't know the number; don't answer if the number is blocked.  They'll leave a message if it's important and I can get back to them.

Unknown numbers can mean a few things:

• Contacts who never made to your new phone's address book when you changed, simply because you NEVER call or text them;


• People who have, quite rightly, been removed from your contacts because they are totally fucking insane and you don't want to accidentally contact them, even if they're the last person available and a an axe murderer is coming after you (let's face it, they're likely to be the axe murderer)


• People trying to sell you things


• People trying to make you take "just a few minutes" to do a survey that takes 40 minutes


• Wrong numbers still trying to get hold of "Sexpot" because they're in Bulford again next week and would still love to catch up


• People from Warwick Alumni fund wanting to know if you want to donate £50 a month?????? Planet? On? Which one?

Anyway, my reasons for never answering calls where I don't recognise the number have just been vindicated - for the millionth time.  It was a nice young man from Ulster tonight, speaking "veryquicklyaboutOrangebecauseI'mavaluedcustimerwho'sbeenwiththemyears", so it was.

"Do you have broadband?"

"Yes. I have cable broadband with Virgin."

"Oh," this was the WRONG thing to say to a person trying to sell mobile broadband, apparently. "Do you still have a BT telephone line?"

"No, I refuse to have anything to do with BT."

"I take it you have a laptop?"

"Oh yes, of course."

"Wouldn't it be great to have internet access wherever you went with your laptop?"

"I already do, from my wireless broadband at home.  I don't take my laptop with me anywhere other than places that have wi-fi."

"What about when you're out and about though, wouldn't mobile broadband through a dongle be great?  We've got a great offer for a 1GB dongle for a tenner a month; 3GB for £15."

"No, not really.  My laptop is too heavy to carry around with me and I have an iPhone, which gives me 3G broadband when I'm out and about and free access to BT Openzone wi-fi."

"Well, let's just check out the coverage for your location. What's your postcode there?"

He must've forgotten that I have 10 meg broadband with Virgin.  Why is he doing this?

"Actually, my 3G phone coverage is actually really patchy here," I interjected.

"Great, looking at this, the 3G coverage is really good where you are."

"It isn't, I can assure you."

"So, that'd be a 10GB dongle for just £25 a month then, we can do everything for you now, it'll only take a few minutes."

"But I don't need it, I have my [insert smart phone name here] iPhone when I'm out and about and I don't carry my laptop around with me.  It's not something that I'm looking for right now.  Thank you."

Why don't these people listen?  Why can't they see that you have no need for the services they're peddling and move onto their next call, that might be more productive?  Perhaps they just like talking to me.  That must be it.

But the good thing about being trapped in phone conversation is that it always gets your bowels moving and I had a lovely poo straight after the call.

Toady holes
I've become an expert at batter-based cooking since I started going out with Ali. Or have I? I can do pancakes and I can do toad in the hole, I am far from being an expert in light tempura, or even a banana fritter. But anyway, I have discovered that toad in the hole is a really easy dish to make. And Hallelujah for that! With excellent sausages in regular supply, it's so easy to whip up a batter get everything cooking away in the oven.

I had toad in the hole for tea tonight. It was very filling. I feel slightly sick.

Valderee
I'm going to get into walking more. Proper walking, with maps and GPS systems and arguments. We went on a walk up in Lancashire at the weekend. We dressed inappropriately for the weather, thinking it would be much warmer than the 3°C high that met us up in witch country. Still, it was really enjoyable and I learned a few things:

• The little dog can't do step stiles


• The little dog can't do cattle grids


• The little dog can't cope with sheep


• The little dog can't cope with bogs


• The little dog likes eating sheep poo


• "Access land" does NOT mean "footpath" - merely that you won't get shot for walking on  it.


• A 4.5 mile walk takes MUCH longer than an hour when you have to negotiate bogs, hills, stiles, and all these in combination with the little dog.


• Take a torch, knife, extra clothing, distress flare... just in case.

Anyway, it was lovely and I look forward to doing more.  Here are some photos:


River Hodder at Dunsop Bridge


Rocky down a rabbit hole



I think they call this a "clough"


The lack of greenness indicates that the area's been covered with snow for some time until recently









Ali with Rocky

Chillax

There have been a series of radio commercials advertising some sort of bath product - Radox, I think - that tell people to take a "selfish hour" and relax with Radox products in a nice bath or shower.  The adverts are targeted at women, but that goes without saying because we all know that men spend the entire day sat around doing bugger all and they don't deserve some "me time".  Accompanying the ads were a few testimonials from some women who described what they'd do with their Radox "selfish hour".  Using my qualitative research skills, the main themes drawn from this sample of three or four, I'm guessing, white English women are:

• A hot bath with lots of bubbles


• Fizzy wine of some sort


• Mobile phone off


• Telling lies about true location


• Candles


• Gossip magazines


• Detachment from reality


• Abrogation of responsibility

So basically, given the choice of spending a nice hour doing whatever they like, women would want to get pissed in the bath and not be able to call anybody for help when the candles set fire to the shower curtain because their phone's turned off and everybody thinks they're at work or the dentist or some such.  And women fought so hard for the right to vote.

I have many selfish hours each day, I think... or perhaps I don't.  I don't have the responsibility of being a parent, except to my dog.  I have some responsibility towards my parents and other family members.  I don't have to look after my partner's needs during the week, although I like to make sure I'm available to talk to her for about an hour each evening.  I don't have the responsibility of being a home owner, although I am a householder.  I do have responsibility for myself and for the little dog.  So after I get home from work and spend a bit of time with the bouncy puppy, doing a bit of tidying up, emptying the dishwasher, preparing my meal, preparing the dog's meal, talking to my girlfriend on the phone, checking in on my folks, eating my tea, tidying up, putting washing in, taking the dog for a walk... all that's left is an hour's selfish time before going to bed.  I do not want to waste that hour getting wrinkly and bored in a bath.  Anybody who does should be made to do voluntary work for one evening a week, preferably emptying my dishwasher.

I HEART my dishwasher

After a bed, somewhere to sit, something to cook with, the first thing I'd absolutely ensure having in my home is an automatic washing machine: the singular most time-saving device of the last 50 years or so.  Second to this is the dishwasher.  I've always liked them, always liked the fact they get dishes so clean and use less energy and water than I do when washing up.  I appreciate them even more since my girlfriend persuaded me that she needed to buy me one by using every single implement, chopping board and pan while cooking something that I can usually do in one pan with one knife, a spatula and a chopping board.

Having a dishwasher means that you have to acquire new skills; 3D tesselation being the most important.  I also had to acquire new pans - shiny stainless steel ones to replace the wonderful hard anodised ones that had served me so well.

Stuff

I LOVE acquiring new things and I've been going into overdrive recently.  It's all due to my latent need for gadgets.  What happens is this:  I decide that I need a new something expensive (this time it's a Canon Powershot G11... I think), but that I can't afford it; my need for new stuff must still be sated, so I buy loads of less expensive items; within a week or two, I have spent the equivalent of a Canon Powershot G11 on stuff that I didn't really want as much as the original object of my desire (I went through this with a coffee machine a few years ago).  So, recent purchases  include:

• Two pairs of Adidas Superstars


• Two Victorinox Swiss Army knives (one for me and one for my dad after he played with mine when it arrived)


• A TENS machine (although this is useful for my bad back)


• A 120GB iPod (because I like to use my iPhone to play on the internet while I listen to music)


• Replacement pads for my TENS machine (because I will need them)


• Windows 7 (because the release candidate was going to die on me)

The list goes on and still the Canon Powershot G11 looks at me from the eBay pages.

I might go and do some whittling to take my mind off material things.