I'm watching Hugh Fearnley-Pigswill on the telly. He's one of these organic foodie campaigner types who evangelises about stuff that grows in shit. I can't stand him. Everything about him is nauseating: the way he looks; the way he talks; what he cooks. But what I find most objectionable about him is the way he eats really noisily and talks to camera while doing so.
Pig of a man.
There is nothing more disgusting than the sound of people eating, smacking their lips noisily as they find it impossible to keep their mouths closed until they've finishing munching like normal people can.
When I was at university, me and my friends needed to find a housemate and we ended up with a bit of a headcase who watched the TV with the sound turned up to full blast. She ate with her mouth open, smacking away and slurping till the end of the very last mouthful. Every evening when she came back from college, she'd go straight to her room. We'd time her, one, two, three, four, then it'd start, the thumping base of Alannah Myles' Black Velvet. But she was a right loon: occupying the attic bedroom, me and my fellow housemates could hear her talking to herself in different voices whenever we went to the bathroom, which was also located on the top floor of the house. On the day of my last ever university exam, I'd gone upstairs for a shower at something ridiculous like 5am and, even at that time of day, I heard a sinister laugh coming from within her room. Freaked out? Most certainly.
Mississippi, the middle of a heatwave...
Wardrobe fun
I was at Mum and Dad's earlier. And I decided to go and have a look in my old wardrobe for a laugh. There are still some clothes in there from my skinny days. I can get into some of my old jeans and things, but let's just say that I'm in between sizes, with my current clothes slightly too big and the next size down being slightly too small for me. Irritating? You betchya! Why are there no odd sizes? Why do they have to go from 14 to 16 to 18? What's wrong with a 15 or 17?
So what do I do, starve a bit to go to the next size down, or eat a few kebabs and get tubby?
19 comments:
buy some magic knickers - they'll compress the extra half size right down, and you'll get into the smaller size starvation free.
honest.
And I might also get a thrombosis.
But really, isn't a life threatening blot clot worth being able to fit into your skinny jeans? I totally think so! My vote is to get yourself enrolled in some water workouts at your local pool (no impact so your back will be spared) and burn off that half size.
I really don't have the right body shape for skinny jeans, no matter what size I am. As for anything to do with submerging myself in water in public? FORGET IT!
The sight of you in a bikini would do wonders for the world. That depression everyone appears to be suffering from would vanish in an instant. It's be like the bestest comedy sketch ever made.
I'm gonna write to the Sunday Night Project team and float the idea with them of inviting you on telly to cheer up the natiom.
:@)
Hmm. I also had the spoooky housemate from another dimension experience as a student too. Thankfully though, it only lasted about 4 months. That particular one had an insane fascination with nunchucks and stuff - constantly doing battle with himself and honing his skills for around 15 hours a day.
Which wasn't bad for a guy that was about 20 stones in weight and a beard that Osama would've been proud of.
Rather bizarrely, he had a voice just like Michael Jackson. If he could've done the moves, it'd have been as funny as the sight of you in a bikini.
:@)
Go for the kebabs option - upsizing is much easier than downsizing.
While I'm here, I'll just point out for anyone that might've missed it - I've added a couple of tips in the comments of your previous post for Carabou B regarding the ad's in Gmail.
Go see!
Gosh, you're being very useful this week. Have you been touched by Jesus?
If I had been touched by him, I'd be even more worried about the state of my mentality given that he's been dead for over 2000 years.
I don't think I have though, I'd have noticed some kind of smell, surely?
Talking of putrefying dead, have you read this? Probably fucked up the link because I don't have to do that href shit that much anymore.
And why would you still be using the href thing when 'links' are already built into WordPress?
When writing a post, such as this one you just needed to 'highlite' the word 'this?' and then click on the wee chain symbol above the post entry box.
Durrrrrrrr.
And no, I hadn't seen it. But I have now.
In case you haven't noticed, I don't have that facility when posting comments, smart arse!
I ain't gettin' my flabby white body out for nobody, fool!
Oh, you're getting into a bikini alright. When you're here in Canada and we're pulling you behind a boat what do you think you're gonna be wearing?
Well, good thing Pissoff isn't a nobody then, huh? Because it sounds like you might not have much say in the matter :)
While you are mentally preparing yourself for the bikini, you may also want to work through that whole fear of heights thing as I have plans for you as well!
I am NOT getting my body out because it is horrible and I need about 12 months intensive training and some decent surgery (and some sunshine) to get it into a state where I'd even consider wearing shorts.
Heights, water, horses, rapids, helicopters, bring them all on. Just don't expect me to get undressed for any of them.
I'll just remind April that we want VIDEO of Sniffy in her bikini being pulled along behind the boats.
Or dragged, most probably.
Remember - They pay £250 for every video shown on 'You've been framed!'
There won't be any videos of my taken under any circumstances. EVRER.
We'll see.
April.... We luvs you! Will you do us a wee favour?
Oh look, it's Saturday. Do you know what Saturday means? Saturday is "sort Tina's blog out" day.
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