Gloomy

You get days when you can't be bothered doing anything. Sometimes it's just nice to sit in the quiet and wait for it to go dark; some days it's dark all day anyway and there's no waiting necessary, you just sit in the half light, listening, snoozing off, always a little too cold for comfort.

The DVD needs changing to the next disc in the Frasier Series 5 box set. Displayed on the TV is the menu screen from the disc that's just finished, prompting me to get out of my seat, walk over there, eject it and replace it. But the quiet is nice. I have my little dog lay next to me and I can hear his deep breaths as he falls deeper into slumber. The clock on the shelf ticks quietly. Cars bring the neighbours back home from their work. The keys on my keyboard tap erratically as I compose and type the words to these sentences. And the DVD menu peeps at me over the top of my laptop screen.

Stop to think.

Become aware of myself.

I am in my living room, I can hear the sounds I described. I concentrate on my breathing, holding the out breath for a couple of seconds. I can feel my heart beating, heavy and faster than normal.

How am I feeling?

Gloomy.

Lonely.

Sad.

It's been a while since I've had a moment like this. Have I moved on any since I felt like this all the time? Times like these make me doubt it. I still have the same problems, the same situation, the same hopeless future, but at least now I'm not yearning after a love that was taken from me, I'm just in a bit of a weird uncertain limbo. And I just don't know what's going to happen or when.

It'll be OK.