Sniffy was invited to lunch with a colleague yesterday. Faced with the prospect of a McDonald's Quarter Pounder avec fromage, she jumped at the chance.
I approached the counter: "Quarter pounder with cheese and regular fries please", I beamed with anticipation.
"Sorry, we only have a limited menu, this is all we have", the assistant gestured to the sad-looking display and empty menu, "but we have our special of the month on."
Limited menu???? Have they started rationing since I left home this morning?
Confused, and unable to figure out what the hell the special thing was supposed to be, I went for the safe option of a Big Mac and fries. Plenty of people seem to like Big Macs, Trump likes them, Bomb likes them, so why not give it a go?
I think I'd had one of these things once before. Just the once. There's obviously a reason why I'd only ever had one Big Mac prior to yesterday's:
Big Macs are fucking rubbish.
Two crappy beef burgers, shredded iceberg lettuce (!), some dodgy slimy stuff - is it mayonnaise, one slice of cheese, one slice of gherkin, shredded processed onions. And then the thing falls apart as you try to eat it.
Why do people go for a Big Mac over a quarter pounder? And why the fuck does the McDonald's on Oxford Road in Manchester have such a shit menu?*
RUBBISH, RUBBISH, RUBBISH!
*As if any McDonald's menu is the height of culinary achievement!
Snail's pace
Where have all these snails come from? We never used to see snails in these parts. Slugs? Millions, but snails? Never.
Over the past couple of years, we have been overrun with the little bastards.
Have the slugs finally saved up enough for a mortgage? There are MILLIONS of them.
I never really studied slugs or snails that much when I did biology at school; I don't like them, therefore I don't want to know about them or their weird ways - they make me feel a bit ill.
How do snails grow their shells?
What do they do all day?
Do they look down on slugs?
Do they communicate? I bet they get really dirty with those slimy antennae of theirs. Dirty little things.
Bugger only knows.
Le weekend
Yep, it's nearly the weekend. What's in store? Praying for a couple of dry days for a start. We're having another one of those summers: cold and wet.
I have a hover mower to test drive, you know.
Le Dog Whisperer
Rocky had an altercation with the neighbour's dog this evening. Apparently, the other pooch went straight for Rocky's beard.
At least it gave Trump the chance to meet one of the blokes next door. How we'll laugh about it at dinner parties over the coming years!
An edit from the bedroom
It's now 23.37, I should've been asleep an hour ago, but I never get enough sleep, so I'm used to it.
Here I am in the bed that I slept in for so many years. It's a comfortable bed and I've always liked it. Big Con has done the motherly thing of putting my favourite bed linen on, the pillows are plumped up. radio is on quiet (Country night on Radio 2). All set for dreamland.
I should be comfortable, I should be tucked up, dozing off. But I am bent like a paperclip, surrounded by all four of the cats, Otto is in his usual place under the quilt alongside me. Such odd creatures. And the dirty looks they give you if you dare to move to get into a position where your back isn't creasing you in pain.
4 comments:
Rubbish is a great word to describe McDonald's. It's fucking crap.
If my cats would come in the house they would insist on sleeping with me and making me uncomfortable also. Fucking inconsiderate felines.
I have a zit on my chin.
Thing l'Escargot. Delicate plump snails drenched in herby garlic butter and served up shell on.
Much nicer than a Big Mac if you ask me, and available in your garden for nowt.
Google slugs. I have had a deep hatred of slugs since I found one stuck to my cat when I was about 14. I decided that if I understood them better they wouldn't freak me out so much. Oh how wrong I was. Now I would describe my feeling for slugs (and snails) as phobic. I trod on one (by accident) and had to THROW MY SHOES AWAY! Stangely enough the thought of killing one freaks me out more than leaving them sliming along. Snails are just slugs with a shell. There are more than usual this year because they like the damp conditions.
No, I will not Google slugs because that will register my IP address as belonging to somebody who wants to know about disgusting things. This will be noted by the Mysterious "They" and my ID card will be well and truly marked.
Slugs are like organised religion, especially Islam - there are some things that, no matter how much people try to force you to understand them, there ain't no way you're ever going to like them.
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