Judgement day

I was draining my boiled rice for my tea earlier. What should fall into the sieve-full of nutty white grains but a big fuck-off moth! It was like a scene from Silence of the Lambs.

Hideous bloody creatures, flapping around with no real purpose.

What do moths do?

They go on my Judgement Day Z list, and there ain't no way ANYTHING on the Z list makes it into the Sniffy eternity.

I'm sure the washing machine's been running for two hours! It's like an aeroplane flight deck with all its computerised lights. I've no idea what cycle it's on. I hope it finishes before it goes dark.

As much as the automatic washing machine has to be one of the top ten inventions of the 20th century, I'd be tempted not to have them in paradise with me. I always have such traumas with washing and washing machines, I'd rather my eternal life wasn't bothered by their presence.

So anyway, back to my Z list. Most other creepy crawlies would join the moths, along with snails and slugs. Reptiles would be on their too, weird creatures. As much as I love animals, I don't have much time for anything without feathers or fur, so land-dwelling scaly things would be left behind, although fish and sea mammals would be made welcome, perhaps even octopuses (because they taste nice). Are you allowed to eat things that you invite into paradise? You can do what you want if you're in charge I suppose.

The Z list includes certain types of people, microwaves, toasters and caravans. I have an eternity to decide whether things on the Z list have to stay there. Take caravans for example. Without a doubt, those caravans that you pull along at the back of your car (Vauxhall Omega) at 38mph will stay parked in Z list hell to burn there forever, but I think I'd love a Winnebago.

I've been looking at them and new, they cost £175,000 - that's the price of a mid-range house on the Bellend estate. Who can afford that? And if you can afford that, why can't you afford to stay in a hotel?

But a Winnebago is the ultimate mobile luxury. Just look at these photos:

Amazing.

And imagine how many motorists you could piss off driving one of those buggers!