Bell-ends

Things are exciting!

Me and Trump signed the contract for Bellend Towers today. Trump's already bought a house, I've never done this before; it feels a bit odd, but great. A little place for us and our menagerie (and menorrhoea) up in Rochdale, away from the ghetto and towards greenery.

We have a canal running outside our front door. It's the same canal that runs into Manchester, to Canal Street where the queers are. In the other direction, it runs to Todmorden and Hebden Bridge, where there are even more queers - it's where lesbians go to let their toe hair grow and retire in Camper sandals and camper vans.

I'm considering buying a jet-ski to get to work. Although a scooter might be more economical and less damp.

Bellend Towers has three places to wee (not including the canal or kitchen sink), two to poo (we're not allowing solids in the downstairs lav). This is a little excessive I feel, especially since there are only two of us and we never allow visitors, but hey, that's modern homes for you.

Everything is beige. I can live with this, although it is rather like living in a tub of margarine. We didn't choose the light fittings (then again, we don't have to pay for them either) and we have a huge fuck-off, twelve-lamp, chandelier in the main bedroom. That'll be nice, having our retinas blown out by having that put on first thing in the morning.

How did we come about acquiring this property? Well here's how to do it:

1. Put your house on the market, but get fed up of not being able to sell it because you're trying to sell in an area where only total idiots seem to want to buy;
2. Happen up new developments in the same area where you were looking to buy, decide to check out Persimmon's coach houses;
3. Drive to Rochdale;
4. Find development, drive in, wander into sales office and look bemused at the house types: "Don't you have two types of coach house?"
5. Encounter Carole, the shortest, yet most powerful saleswoman on the planet, "No, just the one, well, the foundation's only just gone down, but it's a belting property"
6. "Oh, we thought you had two types.... Oh hang on, we were looking at Persimmon, this is Bellway! But oh, right, you do part exchanges do you?"
7. Find out that we can't a part ex for a coach house, "But go and have a look at a Hamilton, it'll show you the build quality and kind of finishes we do. Check out Plot 9"
8. "...Hrrrm, this is actually quite nice, and with the part ex and discounts...."
   

Sucked

Right

In

Two months later and we're almost moved in. I think I've signed all that I need to, I might go on holiday and leave Trump to do the packing and moving.


I started my new job today. It's nice. My new boss had a jiddy fit. It was OK.