Shat Nav part the millionth

I promise never to use satellite navigation AGAIN unless I'm really unsure as to where I'm going. I will, from now on, return to my reliable road atlas and A-Z to get a handle on the roads in the vicinity before relying blindly on some gadget that communicates with things thousands of miles up in the air before telling me what I've been able to figure out for years up to now.

Imagine the great explorers of the past, how they travelled to the ends of the world, into the great unknown and lands of dragons, relying on the stars in the night sky. Well, that's how I feel when I rely on shat nav to get me anywhere. There's always a feeling of Where the fuck is it taking me? This makes no sense! Sometimes, it'll give plenty of warning of an approaching turn, other times it'll tell you when you're right on top of the junction, or worse, past it. It tells me to throw out my driving experience and sit in the outside lane of the motorway when I'm not overtaking anything. It makes a bad driver of a mediocre one.

Exhibit A - No escape from the back of beyond
On a day out in terribly Cheshire with my lovely Trump and our little dog, our route home was blocked by an accident on the road ahead. I followed the lead of others and turned round. Instead of saying "Have a look at the road atlas and see what alternative roads there are", I mistakenly said "Turn the sat nav on." After several attempts to get the thing to find us an alternative, we found ourselves further down the line of queuing traffic as the technology couldn't comprehend that we were trying to find a different way home. A brief look at the map would've told me to turn round and stay on the road .

It was like something out of a 1940s horror film or the Twilight Zone, where a person is trapped in space and time for all eternity. Forced to return to the same spot again and again.


Exhibit B - Out of pocket by £110
For some god unknown reason on Saturday, I used the shat nav to get to a place about 2 miles away that I could've figured out easily enough from the map. In fact the map was better because el stupido device lost the signal at a vital point in the journey and I had to use those things known as my eyes and common sense to get me to my destination.

On our return home, I was irritated that I was forced to park on the other side of the road because my usual parking space had been taken by something old with blacked out windows and big alloy wheels (that were probably worth more than the car). In the ensuing rant, and Trump's counter-rant, I forgot to unplug the sat nav power adapter from the cig lighter. No big deal, surely?

Big deal, definitely.

Come Sunday, my car battery was as flat as a fluke, but the breakdown man came quickly and his jump leads did the trick. It was raining and dark and I didn't see that there'd be any benefit to charging the battery by driving around with the demisters, blowers and lights on, so I revved the engine a bit and left it.

Monday morning: Battery flat again. This time I called on my sister to come and rescue me with jump leads. Car starts eventually and I decide to drive it really fast around the ring road to my sister's new house to give the battery a proper charge. Arrived, went inside, locked pooch in the garden, returned to car to go do a bit of shopping, car battery totally flat again.

Advice from Sid in my local garage: "Sounds like it's not holding its charge; the cells have probably collapsed. We don't have any batteries in, we get them to order, you could try Charlie Browns." So off I pootle to Charlie Browns and the only battery they have in for my car costs £95.

FUCK!

Back to Bomb's where I enlist the help of Dad and his trusty toolbag of totally useless tools - i.e. one adjustable spanner, one imperial spanner and a couple of pairs of pliers. Another £15 and a socket set and a lot of grease and swearing later - accompanied by yelping from a lonely dog - the old battery is out and the new one is in - although we can't tighten up the positive. The car starts, victory is ours.

I am totally fucked off. A hundred and ten pounds just because I left a charger for something that's frankly quite rubbish plugged in overnight. How can these things be designed to draw current without the accessory circuit being on?

Sat Nav is RUBBISH on so many counts.


Ring the alarm
On top of this we have a dog with separation anxiety who chews through alarm wires when he gets bored. I refuse to spend £70 to have a bit of wire replaced so I'm going to do it myself.

Idiot animal.

He's being groomed tomorrow - with clippers, not for child porn. I've been given some tips to help get him used to the idea. He won't keep still though and it'll be like trying to shave an eel. He's going to end up looking like some sort of burns victim.

Photos to follow no doubt.